Do not worry about umbrella anxiety. It happens to everyone.

To:  President Obama, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Re:  The purchase of our model 27X black folding umbrella

As the new owner of our black model 27X umbrella you can be assured of quality umbrella usage for years to come.  Before using your umbrella we ask you to read our directions thoroughly as there is a danger of accidental death due to the ignorance of basic umbrella laws.

1.  Inspect your umbrella before usage.

2.  Hold umbrella by the handle.

3.  Push button on handle to deploy umbrella.

4.  Once umbrella is fully deployed point canopy in skyward direction

5.  Stand under umbrella to take advantage of our patented rain-protecting technology.

6.  When rain, “precipitation“,  has ended and you are no longer in need of our patented rain-protecting technology fold umbrella for handy storage.

We feel that these simple, easy-to-use instructions will benefit you and add to your umbrella enjoyment.  However, we also realize that on certain occasions you may experience umbrella difficulty.  For this we ask you to read the following troubleshooting instructions:

There may be times when you experience difficulty fully employing your umbrella.  These events, known as “umbrella performance anxiety” happen to everyone and there is no reason to feel embarrassment.  Many times this is caused by stress, lack of sleep or shame from religious scruples.

If however you experience repeated umbrella anxiety our pharmaceutical division now has many pills that can help you to achieve long lasting and enjoyable umbrella deployment.

You may enjoy our umbrella so much that you might want to own another.  This is natural.  Many of our customers enjoy having more than one umbrella.  Indeed men who are known to own two umbrellas at the same time are often looked up to.

However we must caution you that having two umbrellas at once could lead to health problems.  Do not use two umbrellas if you take nitrates for chest pain as this may lead to an unsafe drop in blood pressure.

Occasionally you may want someone else (perhaps a marine) to hold your umbrella while you stand under it.  While this may seem like a good idea we advise against it as it will only make you look silly.  As silly as Denise Richards playing a nuclear scientist in a James Bond movie.  That kind of silly.

Once again we thank you for purchasing our product and we wish you years of fully-deployable umbrella enjoyment.

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