Allah Akbar!

He was one of the most decorated American heroes of World War I.  He was involved in 17 battles on the Western Front. He saved his regiment from gas attacks, comforted the wounded and even caught a German spy.

After the war a movie was made about Sgt. Stubby starring Gary Cooper.

Woof Woof Woof! Woof you German dogs!

Cooper (as Sgt. Stubby): Woof Woof Woof!  (translation:  It is I, Sgt. Stubby. Surrender you German dogs!)

German soldier: Eeet eeez ze Sgt. Stubby.  Ve surrender!

But was that the truth?  Or was the truth covered up to hide the real face of Sgt. Stubby?

Recently declassified documents reveal that Sgt. Stubby not only was not a hero, but that he was a traitor who ended up shooting 30 soldiers.

Stubby came from a broken home.  His father left shortly after impregnating the dog that was his mother.

“I always thought that Stubby had a spiritual void in his soul because of that” said a soldier in his regiment.

Sometimes in the heat of battle when the shells were bursting all around us he would look at me with his soulful eyes and say, “Woof woof woof woof.”  Which if you speak dog you’ll know means “What if God was one of us?  Just a slob like one of us?”  I could tell he was depressed.  He even stopped licking his balls and he used to lick his balls with military precision.

Unbeknownst to his fellow soldiers Stubby had taken to reading the Koran.

“I should have known something was up” declared his commanding officer.

Stuffy used to be so reliable.  But something changed.  He grew a beard and started humping teenage boys, which meant that he either was suffering from shell shock or had converted to Islam.  I chose to believe it was just another case of shell shock and sent him to our regimental hospital.

It was at the hospital that tragedy struck.  One day Stubby showed up in a ward of injured soldiers and shouted “Woof woof” which many interpreted to mean “Allah Akbar” and started firing.  When the massacre was over 30 soldiers had been killed and many more grievously injured.  Stubby was captured and put on trial.

During his trial’s opening statement he told the judge that

I am the Mujahedeen.  I was on the wrong side.  I switched sides.  I am an imperfect Muslim trying to establish the perfect religion.

Stubby was found guilty and sentenced to death by firing squad.  Before the execution took place however he was “fixed” by the regimental veterinarian.

As Stubby faced the firing squad witnesses say he asked for two things:

A cigarette.  And his balls.  But mostly his balls.  Yeah, you could say he was distressed about the no balls thing.

After the execution Stubby was buried in an unmarked grave and a lookalike dog took his place at victory parades.

“It was felt at the time that the shock of what happened to Stubby would be too much for the public” said a historian.

To prevent a repeat of Stubby’s massacre the army decreed that in the future all dogs serving in active duty would have their balls removed.

After that order all dogs left the service.

(1937)

Hello!!! I want my $38,000 handbag!

Like most Americans I was shocked and disturbed by the news out of Switzerland that Oprah Winfrey was the victim of racism.  It seems a store clerk refused to sell Ms. Winfrey a $38,000 handbag because she was black!

I expect this type of behavior from the stupid, slack-jawed little people who live in America.  But from enlightened, sophisticated Europe?

Perhaps the clerk in the store was a transplant from stupid states like Texas or Mississippi?

Be that as it may, Ms. Winfrey still suffers the indignity of having to walk around in public without a $38,000 handbag on her arm.  I and many people like me refuse to live in a world where such madness exists.

That is why I am pleased to announce that I am starting the “For One Dollar a Day You Can Support Oprah Winfrey” foundation.

Think about it.  All I’m asking is one dollar a day.  Thirty dollars a month. (Twenty eight during the patriarchal month of February.)

Surely my readers can give up one dollar a day?  I myself have exercised my fundamental option and have taken the dollar I would normally use towards porn and contributed.

Maybe you too, dear reader, can forgo your porn to help Oprah!

If everybody who read this blog would contribute then I have no doubt we can buy that $38,000 handbag for Ms. Winfrey.

Even if we don’t raise enough money to get that handbag we can still help Ms. Winfrey.

If we raise $5000 we can buy her a 2001 Ford Windstar.

This can be yours Oprah!

The Ford Windstar is a reliable, economic car with an estimated 16 mpg in the city and 22 on the highway.  It also has enough space for Ms. Winfrey to store valuables such as $38,000 handbags.

If we raise just $1,700 we can get Ms. Winfrey a cozy, charming studio apartment in midtown Manhattan.  If she needs more space to store her handbags $1,700 will get her a one bedroom in Washington Heights.

If Ms. Winfrey is worried about security living in Washington Heights for an extra $22.95 we can chip in and buy her this economical door lock.

This lock will protect your $38,000 handbag!

If we only raise $200 we can buy her a used Dell Latitude D410.

State of the art laptop connectivity

This refurbished yet still state of the art Dell had a 12″ screen, 40 GB hard drive and 512 MB memory. And yes it comes with ethernet capability and a web cam so you can take many pictures of your $38,000 handbag and send them to your friends.  For $19.95 we will throw in the laptop bag.

All this the foundation will do for Ms. Winfrey.

Because life’s too short to walk around without a $38,000 handbag.

(868)

Wow man. Like I hear things. I see things. My mind has been opened to alternate realities!

The anthropomorphic world experienced tragedy today when Horton died in a stampede during a rock concert by the British group The Who.

“It’s horrible” said a friend.

Horton loved The Who, well except for Entwistle.  He was so excited to go to this concert.  The last time I saw him he was waving his elephant ears and singing “It’s a boy Mrs. Walker, It’s a boy.”  It’s just so sad.  So very sad that his life ended the way it did.

Horton had long been known in the community as something of a “stoner” with a penchant for hearing and seeing things that weren’t there.  According to a former teacher this could have been the result of his drug use.

One time he told me that he heard a tiny speck of dust talking to him and that this speck of dust was actually an entire planet, home to a community called Whoville where the Who’s live. I don’t have to tell you that after hearing that I urged his parents to enter him into drug rehab.  But they refused.  Who knows.  Perhaps I was too hard on him.  Maybe he did hear what he said he heard.  Science does tell us that alternate universes are possible.

After the “Whoville Incident” as it became known, Horton was shunned by his classmates except for a small band of devoted Who fans.

We used to get together after school and listen to their albums and smoke some pot. Man we all loved The Who.  Except for Entwistle of course.  And Horton kept telling us that specks of dust are planets.  Which made us all laugh.  I mean we were all stoned.  What did we know.  This whole alternate universe crap?  Better leave that Led Zeppelin. But still he was a gentle soul and we all liked him.

The end came for Horton before the concert by The Who even began.  The arena had sold 18,000 tickets but only 3,000 of them were for reserved seating. The rest were for what is called “festival seating.”

Horton held a festival seating ticket and had arrived hours before the concert to ensure that he got a good seat.

“He was one of the first to arrive” according to a fellow concert goer.  “He was right up against the door, holding a speck of dust he said was an alternate universe and singing “Deaf dumb and blind boy he’s in a quiet vibration land.”

According to investigators this probably led to his death by compressive asphyxia.  As fans heard The Who begin a sound check they pushed up against the door, crushing Horton.

“He looked right at me before he died” said a doctor called to the scene.

He held my hand and said, “Remember a person’s a person no matter how small.”  I think he was referring to Daltrey.

The detective in charge of investigating the accident has called it a “Tragic accident.  Though at this point we haven’t ruled out Entwistle.”

Horton’s family has asked for privacy in their time of grief.

(1207)

Anti-gay bias in Hollywood shocks Hollywood.

The entertainment community was shocked today to learn that one of the major national television networks had put on its fall schedule a show that featured no gay characters.

Once word of this hate crime became known the executive who green-lighted the program tendered his resignation.

“I am aware that what I did was wrong” he said.

I ask the forgiveness of the public.  I ask the forgiveness of my colleagues. My actions have promoted hate. While there is no excuse for what I have done I have been under a lot of stress. Being a television executive means living in a high-paced environment.  I’m just a man, trying to do right as the Nielson raitings have given me the light to see what’s right.

The unfortunate executive’s plea does have some merit say prominent psychologists.

Heterosexuals, or breeders as they are commonly called, are drawn to hatred.  They hate themselves, they hate their bourgeois sexuality, they hate their offspring, or “breeder effluvia” as they are known.  Naturally this self-loathing will produce acts of hatred, such as an entertainment program without heroic gay characters. Instead they offer America the same tired, disgusting breeder characters.

After the resignation of the offending executive, the Network hired a “Diversity Czar.”  Part of his duties will be to ensure “Gay compliant” programming.  Accordingly the following “reboots” have been added to the 2013-2014 fall schedule:

• Father Knows Best – This reboot will be exactly like the original, except the character of Jim Anderson (played by Robert Young in the breeder original) will be gay and be married to his same sex partner.  His ex-wife will be a lesbian. “Join in the hilarious hijinks as Jim Anderson and his oldest daughter Betty argue over her wardrobe” says the official promo.
• Little House on the Prairie – The remake will feature on newly divorced Charles Ingalls and his struggle as a gay man to overcome prejudice on the American frontier. In the pilot episode Ingalls is arrested and tried by vigilantes but before he is able to be hanged he is rescued by the Lone Ranger (played by South American transsexual actress Juanita Escobar.)
• 7th Heaven – In this version Protestant Minister Eric Camden has left his ministry “because I could no longer serve a God who hates gays.”  The first season will show his character struggling to adjust to life as a layman and taking on a series of odd jobs to make a living, such as fashion designer, makeup artist and interior decorator.

“This is a good first start” said the National Director of the Anti-Gay Bullying League.

We will not be bullied anymore and until people realize that we will hound them mercilessly!

The whereabouts of the unfortunate executive whose actions prompted the crisis is unknown, though rumor has it he is in hiding somewhere in a fly-over state.

(675)

I am not wearing this disguise because I am ashamed of my child. Definitely not.

I am not wearing this disguise because I am ashamed of my child. I am ashamed because racist America denies people healthcare

In the two weeks since the WeinerGate II broke one question has haunted America:  Would Sydney Leathers do a porn video?  And if so, when?

Well worry no more America.  Sydney Leathers has signed with Vivid Video and has already shot her first porn video, a hardcore masturbation epic entitled, “I love your policies.  And rubbing my Pussy.”

It would be too easy to make rude, snarky comments about Ms. Leathers such as her ass is wider than the Lincoln and Holland Tunnels combined.  No.  That would be too easy and we won’t do it.  Here at Manhattan Infidel we strive for a higher standard.  And in the interest of that higher standard I have snagged an exclusive interview with the people responsible for her upbringing and instilling values:  her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Leathers.

MI: Good morning Mr. and Mrs. Leathers.

Mr. L:  Thank you.  It’s nice to be here.

Mrs L:Please.  Do not call me Mrs. Leathers.  When we got married I refused to take my husband’s name. Society is so patriarchal it disgusts me.

MI: Oh, okay.  What do you refer to yourself as?

Mrs L: Ms. Muffinstrummer.

MI: Miss Muffinstrummer?

Mrs L: Ms. Muffinstrummer, please.  Miss is patriarchal.  And patriarchy disgusts me.

MI: Okay.  Well if you don’t mind let’s just settle in while the food arrives.  The caterer brought some delicious turkey and ham sandwiches.

Mrs L: Meat disgusts me.

MI: Anyway – 

Mr. L: Can I have one of those sandwiches?

MI: Sure.  Dig in.

Mrs L: I told you not to eat meat in front of me.  You disgust me.

Mr. L: Can I just have one f*cking sandwich? One? Come on!

MI: Mr. Leathers and Ms. Muffinstrummer, when the news of the Anthony Weiner scandal broke and it was learned that your daughter was one of his sexting partners, what was your reaction?

Mrs L:  Why are people shocked?  These are two consenting adults.  Do you know what we should be shocked by?  The bourgeois, repressive sexuality promulgated by the patriarchy.

Mr. L:That was a good sandwich.  Are you going to eat those chips?

MI:  No.  Help yourself.  So, Ms. Muffinstrummer, you aren’t bothered at all by the fact that your daughter was sending pictures of herself to a married man twice her age?

Mrs L: No.  I brought my daughter up to be proud of sex and to enjoy it.  I even told her not to use birth control because if she got pregnant I would drive her to an abortion provider.

MI:Wow.  Mr. Leathers any comment on that?

Mr. L: What?  I didn’t hear you I was eating chips.  Can I have another sandwich?

MI: Go right ahead.  And now your daughter is doing porn.  Have you seen the video?

Mr. L:  Don’t bother me.  I’m eating a f*cking sandwich.  I don’t eat meat at home.

MI: Ms. Muffinstrummer, have you seen it?  I have a copy here on my iPad.  Look at it.

Mrs L: I don’t see anything wrong with a woman knowing how to pleasure herself.  It’s the patriarchy that makes women ashamed of their bodies.

Mr. L:  Oh my god.  She’s so damn hairy down there.  She looks like a freaking wildebeest.

Mrs L: The patriarchy would make women ashamed of their pubic hair.  I am not ashamed of my pubic hair.

Mr. L: Yeah no shit.  Maybe if you shaved down there I’d eat some meat at home, if you know what I mean.

Mrs. L: You disgust me.

Mr. L: Yeah, you know what disgusts me?  Tofu.  That vegan diet you have me on is killing me.

Mrs L: Meat is murder.  Murder by the patriarchy.

Mr. L: F*ck you.  I’m having another sandwich.  And then I”m going to whip it out and wave my dick in your face.

Mrs L: Penises disgust me.

MI: Well that’s about all the time I have.  It was a pleasure interviewing both of you.

Mr. L: Whatever, just don’t take any f*cking sandwiches.  They’re all mine.

Mrs L: Sometimes when it’s windy I take my clothes off and let my pubic hair wave in the breeze.  When I do that I feel empowered.

MI: Goodbye.

Well that was a strange interview.  If I have a nightmare about wildebeests tonight I’m killing them both.

(842)