Free t-shirts for ever body! Even secessionists!
The other day your humble correspondent went to a minor league baseball game between the Staten Island Yankees and the single A affiliate of the Red Sox, the Lowell Spinners. The Yankees lost. (This is 2013 after all.)
Now if you have been to a sporting event recently you know that free t-shirts are distributed to the fans between innings, usually by, shall we say, comely young women?
And the reaction of the crowd was quite telling. Grown men would weep when they caught a free t-shirt. I myself, the world-famous living in poverty blogger known as Manhattan Infidel beat out a ten-year old boy for a t-shirt. And technically beat is the operative word since I grabbed him by his ankles and swung him over my head while shouting “Give me your t shirt you motherf*king brat!’
Um. So what was I talking about? Oh yes. Free t-shirts. I believe that free t-shirts, and only free t-shirts can help restore the frayed social fabric of America. And with that in mind I now present for my readers the following two scenarios from history and have inserted free t-shirts into them. The difference is amazing!
1. The Surrender at Appomattox Courthouse
After four years of bloodshed on April 9th, 1865 General Robert E. Lee surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant. The following surrender documents went far to heal the bitter wounds of that war.
Appomattox C.H. Va.
Apl. 9th 1865
Gen R.E. Lee
Comd’g C.S.A.General,
In accordance with the substance of my letter to you of the 8th instant, I propose to receive the surrender of the Army of N. Va. on the following terms; to wit:
The arms, artillery, and public property are to be parked and stacked and turned over to the officer appointed by me to receive them. This will not embrace the side arms of the officers, nor their private horses or baggage. This done officers and man will be allowed to return to their homes not to be disturbed by United States authority so long as they observe their parole and the laws in force where they may reside.
Also, free t-shirts will be distributed to your troops.
Very respectfully,
U.S. Grant, Lieutenant-General.
Headquarters Army N. Va
April 9th, 1865
Lieut-Gen. U.S. Grant,
Commanding Armies of the U.S.General:
I have received your letter of this date containing the terms of surrender of the Army of Northern Virginia as proposed by you. Your kind offer of free t-shirts for my men will have a salutary affect upon them. God bless you sir. Already I can hear the cannons distributing the free t-shirts. I and my men weep for joy!
Very respectfully,
Your obedient servant,
R.E. Lee
GeneralHd Quarters Army of Nor: Va.
10, April. 1865.General:
Free t-shirts bitches! Let’s make some noise!
Very respectfully,
U.S. Grant, Lieutenant-General.
2. The Assassination of President John. F. Kennedy
On November 22nd, 1963 President Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, Texas. The assassination was caught on film by Abraham Zapruder. But what if he filmed free t-shirts instead?
On frame 230 President Kennedy arms come up to his throat. Perhaps he was trying to change positions so he could catch a free t-shirt?
Are they throwing free t-shirts at me?
As frame 312 clearly shows both President Kennedy and Governor Connelly are being restrained by their wives from getting the free t-shirts. Why? Obviously both women wanted the t-shirts for themselves.
No free t-shirts for you boys!
Frame 372 of the Zapruder films shows an intent Jackie Kennedy climbing onto the trunk of the limousine in an attempt to snag a free t-shirt..
That t-shirt is mine!
Frame 396 shows Secret Service agent Clint Hill attempting to climb on the presidential limo in an attempt to grab the free t-shirt before Jackie does.
I’m going to grab that t-shirt before Jackie does!
And what does all this say about America? Simple. As the Declaration of Independence says, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of free t-shirts.”
May nature and nature’s God give us all free t-shirts.
(1476)
I’m calling Bull Shit on you, Infidel. Jackie was trying to grab no T-shirt. She was getting ass out the limo while yelling: “Free at last, free at last! God almighty I am free at last.” Martin Luther King stole that line from Jackie a few years later.
Jim: I stand behind my original story. As a reporter and a member of the elite I am never wrong.