I don’t think Putin likes me. He’s just jealous of my far superior intellect.

Famous white black man Barack Obama held one of his many press conferences at the White House Friday afternoon.  We here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel were supposed to attend but due to a scheduling conflict drunk were unable to.

Fortunately we were able to obtain a transcript which we present here in its entirety and completely unaltered.  Hey, this Angry Orchard Cider isn’t bad!

President Obama:  Good afternoon everybody.  Please take a seat.  Except you James Rosen.  My Secret Service will now taser you.

[Rosen is tasered and collapses unconscious]

President Obama: Over the past few weeks I’ve been talking about what I believe should be our number one priority as a country – preparing for my third term.  And so today I’d like to discuss specific steps to ensure my third term.

First, I will work with congress to ensure that no one opposes my will.  That’s what America is all about.  Secondly we can, and must be, more transparent.  I want to be known as the “transparent president.”  Why just this morning Michelle asked me, “Is our marriage a sham?” and I said, “Yes.”  So you see, I am building more transparency.

So with that I am going to take some questions.  And let’s see who we got here.  We’re going to start with my good friend Julie Pace of the AP who does not work for Fox News.

JP: Thank you Mr. President.  There’s no question that the U.S. relationship with Russia has gotten worse since Vladimir Putin took office.  How much of that decline do you contribute directly to Mr. Putin?

President Obama: Are you sure you don’t work for Fox?  Doesn’t matter.  My Secret Service will now taser you.

(Pace is tasered and collapses unconscious]

President Obama: Chuck Todd.

CT: Thank you Mr. President.  Can you get stuff done with Russia, big stuff done, without having a good personal relationship with Putin?

President Obama: I don’t have a bad relationship with Mr. Putin.  I know the press likes to focus on body language, and he’s got that slouch thing, looking like a bored kid in the back of the class. A bored, bad kid.  A bored, bad kid who will probably grow up and act like a typical white person.  

But that’s not that unusual with world leaders.  Why just last month I was in Ireland and I had a chance to meet with their Prime Minister, what the Paddys call a Taoiseach,  Enda Kenny. We didn’t along either.  I brought him a green hat and said, “They’re always after me lucky charms.”  I even complemented him on being tall for a leprechaun.  He just got angry with me.  Say what you want about the Micks but you don’t want to get them angry.  They have very quick tempers.

CT: Your point being?

President Obama: As I said in my opening remarks it’s important that I get a third term.  I’m transparent about that.

Yes, Ed Henry.

EH:  On October 1st you have to implement your signature health care reform law.  Yet you recently decided on your own to delay a key part of that.  And I wonder if you pick and choose what parts of the law to implement couldn’t your successor down the road pick and choose whether they’ll implement your law?

President Obama: That’s why it’s important no one succeed me.  That’s why it’s important I have a third term. With respect to health care I didn’t simply choose to delay this on my own.  This was in consultation with many business leaders across the country, many of whom have already made too much money.

Okay, Scott Horesely.

SH: Thank you, Mr. President.  Part of the political logic behind immigration reform was the strong showing by Latino voters last November.  That doesn’t seem to resonate with Republicans who represent overwhelmingly white districts.

President Obama: Republicans are typical white people.  They have been since they were fighting Democrats who wanted to end slavery.  It took a Democratic president, Abe Lincoln to finally repeal slavery.

The problem is Republican politics.  And that’s what the American people don’t want us to be worrying about.  Don’t worry about your Washington politics.  Republicans should stop playing politics and submit to my will.

Let’s get it done.  Thank you everybody.

And there you have it readers.  I hope to attend the next press conference assuming my schedule permits.  Do they have strip clubs in DC?

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