Network Accidentally Schedules Program With No Gay Characters

Anti-gay bias in Hollywood shocks Hollywood.

Anti-gay bias in Hollywood shocks Hollywood.

The entertainment community was shocked today to learn that one of the major national television networks had put on its fall schedule a show that featured no gay characters.

Once word of this hate crime became known the executive who green-lighted the program tendered his resignation.

“I am aware that what I did was wrong” he said.

I ask the forgiveness of the public.  I ask the forgiveness of my colleagues. My actions have promoted hate. While there is no excuse for what I have done I have been under a lot of stress. Being a television executive means living in a high-paced environment.  I’m just a man, trying to do right as the Nielson raitings have given me the light to see what’s right.

The unfortunate executive’s plea does have some merit say prominent psychologists.

Heterosexuals, or breeders as they are commonly called, are drawn to hatred.  They hate themselves, they hate their bourgeois sexuality, they hate their offspring, or “breeder effluvia” as they are known.  Naturally this self-loathing will produce acts of hatred, such as an entertainment program without heroic gay characters. Instead they offer America the same tired, disgusting breeder characters.

After the resignation of the offending executive, the Network hired a “Diversity Czar.”  Part of his duties will be to ensure “Gay compliant” programming.  Accordingly the following “reboots” have been added to the 2013-2014 fall schedule:

  • Father Knows Best – This reboot will be exactly like the original, except the character of Jim Anderson (played by Robert Young in the breeder original) will be gay and be married to his same sex partner.  His ex-wife will be a lesbian. “Join in the hilarious hijinks as Jim Anderson and his oldest daughter Betty argue over her wardrobe” says the official promo.
  • Little House on the Prairie – The remake will feature on newly divorced Charles Ingalls and his struggle as a gay man to overcome prejudice on the American frontier. In the pilot episode Ingalls is arrested and tried by vigilantes but before he is able to be hanged he is rescued by the Lone Ranger (played by South American transsexual actress Juanita Escobar.)
  • 7th Heaven – In this version Protestant Minister Eric Camden has left his ministry “because I could no longer serve a God who hates gays.”  The first season will show his character struggling to adjust to life as a layman and taking on a series of odd jobs to make a living, such as fashion designer, makeup artist and interior decorator.

“This is a good first start” said the National Director of the Anti-Gay Bullying League.

We will not be bullied anymore and until people realize that we will hound them mercilessly!

The whereabouts of the unfortunate executive whose actions prompted the crisis is unknown, though rumor has it he is in hiding somewhere in a fly-over state.


3 Responses

  1. Obama would say to this errant programing executive: “One shouldn’t Putin in one’s own nest.”

  2. innominatus says:

    No gays? I smell a ruse…

    During the season finale cliffhanger, the whole cast will say “Dad, we need to talk. I’m, g…”

    [fade to black]

    [Geico gecko commercial]

    “Tune in next season to see the exciting conclusion”

  3. Matt says:

    Yeah, this is clearly a stunt to gain ratings, in the end, it will turn out to be a nightmare or something, and the main character will wake up in bed-with three guys, a can of reddiwhip, and a goat!

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