Allah Akbar!

He was one of the most decorated American heroes of World War I.  He was involved in 17 battles on the Western Front. He saved his regiment from gas attacks, comforted the wounded and even caught a German spy.

After the war a movie was made about Sgt. Stubby starring Gary Cooper.

Woof Woof Woof! Woof you German dogs!

Cooper (as Sgt. Stubby): Woof Woof Woof!  (translation:  It is I, Sgt. Stubby. Surrender you German dogs!)

German soldier: Eeet eeez ze Sgt. Stubby.  Ve surrender!

But was that the truth?  Or was the truth covered up to hide the real face of Sgt. Stubby?

Recently declassified documents reveal that Sgt. Stubby not only was not a hero, but that he was a traitor who ended up shooting 30 soldiers.

Stubby came from a broken home.  His father left shortly after impregnating the dog that was his mother.

“I always thought that Stubby had a spiritual void in his soul because of that” said a soldier in his regiment.

Sometimes in the heat of battle when the shells were bursting all around us he would look at me with his soulful eyes and say, “Woof woof woof woof.”  Which if you speak dog you’ll know means “What if God was one of us?  Just a slob like one of us?”  I could tell he was depressed.  He even stopped licking his balls and he used to lick his balls with military precision.

Unbeknownst to his fellow soldiers Stubby had taken to reading the Koran.

“I should have known something was up” declared his commanding officer.

Stuffy used to be so reliable.  But something changed.  He grew a beard and started humping teenage boys, which meant that he either was suffering from shell shock or had converted to Islam.  I chose to believe it was just another case of shell shock and sent him to our regimental hospital.

It was at the hospital that tragedy struck.  One day Stubby showed up in a ward of injured soldiers and shouted “Woof woof” which many interpreted to mean “Allah Akbar” and started firing.  When the massacre was over 30 soldiers had been killed and many more grievously injured.  Stubby was captured and put on trial.

During his trial’s opening statement he told the judge that

I am the Mujahedeen.  I was on the wrong side.  I switched sides.  I am an imperfect Muslim trying to establish the perfect religion.

Stubby was found guilty and sentenced to death by firing squad.  Before the execution took place however he was “fixed” by the regimental veterinarian.

As Stubby faced the firing squad witnesses say he asked for two things:

A cigarette.  And his balls.  But mostly his balls.  Yeah, you could say he was distressed about the no balls thing.

After the execution Stubby was buried in an unmarked grave and a lookalike dog took his place at victory parades.

“It was felt at the time that the shock of what happened to Stubby would be too much for the public” said a historian.

To prevent a repeat of Stubby’s massacre the army decreed that in the future all dogs serving in active duty would have their balls removed.

After that order all dogs left the service.

(1913)