Syria. We must bomb it for humanitarian reasons.

With the war with Syria potentially days or even hours away we here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel have decided to publish this handy guide explaining the upcoming humanitarian conflict.™

• Why are we going to war?

The Syrian President, Bashar al-Assad, has been using chemical weapons against his people

• I’ve heard about that.  Isn’t this similar to a decade ago when President Bush went to war with Iraq over weapons of mass destruction?

No.  The two cases could not be more different.  Bush is a Republican.  When Republicans go to war it is for conquest and/or oil.  President Obama is a Democrat and a Nobel peace prize winner.  When he bombs people it is for humanitarian reasons.

• You mentioned bombing.  Even with smart bombs will there be collateral damage?

Regrettably yes.  Civilian casualties are part of war.  When you see news reports of this just remember we are at war to save the children.  And we will do it even if we have to kill every last one of them.

• The last I heard England and France are having second thoughts about bombing Syria.

The English and the French are pussies!  Not like America.  Every red-blooded American loves the stench of battle.  Or at least what he sees from the video sent back from the drone strikes.

• British Prime Minister David Cameron has said he will bring the question of a potential military attack against Syria before Parliament before making a decision.  Why?

England is a monarchy.  It’s leaders must consult the people.  America is a democracy and we believe in the rule of one man: Our President.

• But America isn’t a democracy.  It is a constitutional republic and according to our constitution (Article 1, Section 8, Clause 11) only the congress can declare war.

You have to stop watching Fox News.

• Why are we supporting the rebels?

Because it’s in the best interest of the United States to do so.

• But aren’t the rebels supported by the Muslim Brotherhood?  And doesn’t the Muslim Brotherhood want to establish an Islamic regime that supports terrorism?

What did I tell you about watching Fox News?  Islam is the religion of peace.  Just ask Israel.

• Is our intervention about regime change?

As with Libya, the decision to intervene in Syria is not about regime change.  Unless it is.  But it isn’t.

• If England and France do in fact back out will the war be cancelled?

Cancelled?  Have you seen the ratings?  The run-up to the war has gotten better numbers than the Syfy channel’s Continuum starring the fetching Rachel Nichols.

Support the war for this woman.

• Wow.  She is fetching.  But my support for the war is wavering.

Would you like to see more Rachel Nichols?

This woman supports our President!

• Please.  I’m only a man.  There is only so much I can resist.
  

  Men who support military action against Syria turn me on!

So you’ll support the President?

• You make a good case for this humanitarian conflict.™

It’s for the children.

• Thank you for changing my mind.

It was my pleasure. It makes me feel good about myself that I was able to do so.

There you have it.  All your questions about the upcoming humanitarian conflict™ answered truthfully, succinctly and to the point.  And now I’d like to leave you with some more Rachel Nichols.

Hello supporters of President Obama!

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It’s for the children!

Since Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize many have wondered how he could top it.

“We were worried that he would become Orson Welles” said a White House reporter.

What did Welles do after Citizen Kane? Absolutely nothing.  Well, except for sleeping with Rita Hayworth.  Rita’s dead so President Obama can’t sleep with her.  So we were concerned.  But this new war is a way out.

Indeed the Nobel Peace Prize winner has seemed to falter recently, with Edward Snowden granted asylum in Russia, the NSA and IRS scandals and the delaying of Obamacare.

But with news that the Navy is  preparing to launch strikes against Syria hope has again returned to the White House and the press corps.

There are even reports that Hollywood is preparing a movie based on the upcoming Syrian war.

“Drone strikes are good.  But they lack drama” according to one Hollywood executive.

If you absolutely must level a criticism at President Obama it is that all the wars he has engaged in throughout the world during his presidency were faceless.  We in Hollywood want to help the president. Hell, whenever America goes to war we want to help.  Assuming the president is a Democrat of course.

Hollywood is more than ready to assist the war.  Directors and actors have already headed out to the middle east and set up shop aboard Navy ships.  When the first planes take off to bomb Syrian civilian targets A-list actors will be in the cockpits.

“The actors are excited.  They have memorized their lines.  They look forward to helping Obama win his second Nobel Prize” said  Steven Spielberg.

We even plan to have a few actors shot down.  Already crews are in the Syrian countryside ready to document the brave struggle of our men to survive as they eat vegetables and fall in love with Syrian women, who will return the love and bind up their wounds, eventually making the painful decision to abandon their country and come to America.  It’s all right there in the script.

The Norwegian Nobel Committee has announced that President Obama is the front-runner to win the next Nobel Peace Prize.  But only if their is an actual war.  Thorbjørn Jagland, President of the committee had this to say:

President Obama has been the greatest force of peace the world has ever known. And we will give him the prize but there has to be a war first.

Billy Crystal has been chosen to emcee the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize ceremony.

Tickets are already on sale for the much anticipated war, with prices ranging from $3,000 for luxury seats to 14 dollars for the bleachers.

“As with any war, the key is to have fun and be safe” said Ban Ki-moon, the Secretary General of the United Nations.  “So watch out for fast approaching objects.  It’ll be like going to a baseball game but without as many relief pitchers.”

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Once again the “man” rears his ugly head

A rodeo clown at the Missouri State Fair shocked the civilized world when he donned a mask of the ruler of America, Barack Obama.

Like most Americans, we here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel were shocked and distressed that in this day and age such blatant displays of racism and disrespect for our President are tolerated.

We owe deference and respect for our rulers.  To mock or poke fun at President Obama is an offense against the dignithy of the state.

We applaud the Missouri State Fair for banning this racist rodeo clown for life.

We also support the Missouri State Fair for requiring sensitivity training for all rodeo clowns who wish to work for the Fair in the future.

The State is benevolent.  President Obama is the State.

To question, to mock, to insult that benevolence should be punishable by more than loss of livelihood.

That’s why we at Manhattan Infidel support the revival of Lèse-majesté laws throughout our land.

The so-called right to free speech is not absolute.  There should be restrictions placed upon it.

Americans are frequently derided as “stupid” and “savage” by our European cousins.  Displays like the one in Missouri by the contemptible clown do nothing to change Europe’s opinion.

For the state to survive, for the state to thrive, for the state to grow ever stronger its leaders must be beyond reproach.

One way to do this would be to pray for and to Barack Obama.

Barack Obama has been placed on this Earth by a benevolent God to be our ruler. It is his Divine Right.

We here at Manhattan Infidel propose that the pledge of allegiance in schools be replaced by the following prayer to Barack Obama:

Hail Barack Obama

Full of socialism

The State is with Thee

Blessed art thou among all divinely appointed rulers

Blessed is your consort Michelle Obama and the fruit of your loins, Malia Ann and Sasha

Holy Barack father of us all

Pray for us sinners

That we may show you the reverence you deserve

Now and at the hour of our appearance before an Obamacare death panel

Amen

We at Manhattan Infidel feel that this simple prayer if recited several times a day will do much to increase reverence for our rulers.

There is no place for dissent.

Dissent is not patriotic.

Dissent is racist.

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First Pet Bo (center) surrounded by security before boarding BO 1 for trip to Martha’s VIneyard

As I have mentioned before on this blog my mission statement is to ensure the proper functioning of this republic by exposing aristocratic privilege where I see it.  And to harass Olivia Wilde.

Why won’t Olivia Wilde return my phone calls?

But mostly to expose anti-republican privilege among our elite.  Though if Olivia Wilde were to call me now I’d have to say f*ck the blog.  I’m on my way.

Anyway like most many few sadly no one I was shocked when I learned that President Obama had his dog Bo flown to Martha’s Vineyard aboard the so-called “Bo 1” Osprey aircraft.

Using all my undercover reporting skills LSD and tequila I was able to acquire Bo’s vacation itinerary.

Read and weep.  Weep for mankind.  Weep for America.  Weep for Olivia Wilde who is definitely not being held in my basement until she realizes she loves me and only me.

Tentative Vacation Itinerary for Bo (Not for Release to General Public)

Wednesday August 11

8:45 am – Not less than six (6) and not more than fifteen (15) secret service agents are to wash and groom Bo (“First Pet“)

9:30 am – After washing and grooming by not less than six (6) and not more than fifteen (15) agents the First Pet is to be taken to the front lawn of the White House where an Osprey MV-22 (“Helicopter 1“) will be fueled and ready for departure to Martha’s Vineyard.

9:45 am – Helicopter 1 will take off from the White House for the one hour flight to Martha’s Vineyard.  During flight the First Pet will have access to in-flight entertainment including, but not limited to, DVDs of interest to dogs including but not limited to soothing nature scenes, cats being chased, fire hydrants and any DVD that stars Sarah Jessica Parker as dogs view her as one of their own.

11:00 am – Helicopter 1 will touch down at Martha’s Vineyard.  First Pet will be escorted by not less than thirteen (13) and not more than twenty three (23) Secret Service agents who will ensure First Pet evacuation.  Once the First Pet has evacuated his bowels not less than fifteen (15) and not more than twenty seven (27) secret service agents will bag said First Pet evacuation (in paper not plastic).  Said First Pet evacuation, once bagged will be transported to the nearest compost station to flower the Earth and ensure the viability of Polar Bear survival.

11:30 am – First Pet will be reunited with the President.

11:32 am – President Obama will play with the First Pet for not less than two (2) but not more than five (5) minutes.

11:40 am  – (Optional) First Pet will be given the opportunity to hump Michelle Obama’s leg.

12:15 pm – First Pet will be given lunch at a five-star restaurant on Martha’s Vineyard.  Not less than thirty (30) and not more than fifty (50) Secret Service agents will provide security and ensure that First Pet is not bothered by non-Washington D.C. humans.

2:50 pm – First Pet will be driven to a private resort on the Island of Martha’s Vineyard where he will be given the opportunity to do cardio and hump the legs of attendants.

3:20 pm – (Optional) First Pet will be given the chance to release his Chakras and will given a massage by a canine-friendly masseuse.

5:00 pm – First Pet will be have meet and greet session with press covering President Obama’s vacation.  Not less than forty (40) and not more than sixty (60) Secret Service agents will screen the press to ensure that First Pet will not have to answer any embarrassing questions about so-called “phony scandals.”  Note:  All press will be credentialed and limited to real news organizations.  This mean no Fox News.

6 – 7 pm – First Pet will meet Ted Danson and Carly Simon.

8 pm – undetermined – First Pet will be provided with not less than five (5) and not more than ten (10) bitches for frolic and reproductive purposes. After frolicking has ended Secret Service (agent number to be determined later depending on overtime budget) will gather First Pet ejaculate into paper bags and distribute it on the sea shore to symbolize rebirth and lowering of sea levels.

11:30 pm – First Pet will be brought to his hotel room, his water dish filled (sparkling water only) and provided dog biscuits in case he wants a snack during the night.  Dog biscuits must be gluten-free.

11:45 pm Lights out.  Not less than eighty (80) and not more than one hundred and twenty (120) Secret Service agents will provide security by patrolling floor outside First Pet’s room.

And that’s just the first day!

Now if you excuse me I have to go down to the basement to provide Olivia Wilde with fresh water. (Sparkling only.)

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