What does it all mean?

Like most people I remember the exact moment I first heard that Ben Affleck had been chosen to play Batman.  I was discussing 19th century Russian literature negotiating a price with a female professional acquaintance prostitute.  As the police cornered the alley and started beating me discussing 19th Century Russian literature I heard one profess his disbelief that Affleck had been chosen to play the coveted role.  At least that’s what I think he said.  My eardrum had been punctured by this point in the beating discussion.

Be that as it may in the 72 hours since the announcement many have striven to find meaning in the shocking turn of events.  As a duty to my readers Does anyone know a good eardrum specialists?  I’m still bleeding I now present some of the many opinions regarding this choice.

Famed evangelist Billy Graham:

If God were to remove all evil from the world we would no longer be moral free agents. We would be robots. And choosing Affleck is evil.  Then again, I’d rather be a robot than see him as Batman.

Music legend Stevie Wonder:

There is a reason for everything.  Now I now why God made me blind.  At least I won’t have to see Affleck as Batman.  I now pity those with sight.  I just hope I can go deaf as well before the movie is released.

Noted Presbyterian theologian R. Laird Harris:

There are gaps in a physical-chemical explanation of the world, and there always will be.  Because science has learned many marvelous secrets of nature it cannot be concluded that it can explain all phenomena.  Soul, spirits and life are subjects incapable of physical-chemical explanation.  I believe this explains the choice of Affleck for Batman.  It’s a mystery.  Or maybe God just doesn’t know what he’s doing.  Yes.  That’s got to be it.  I mean come on.  Affleck? I renounce God!  Satan I call thee!  I do your bidding!

Leader of the black race in America, Al Sharpton:

This is an abomination. I haven’t been so upset since I ran out of accelerant when I was burning down Jew-owned stores in Harlem. Resist we Affleck!  Resist we much!

President Obama himself weighed in on the controversy:

At some point you have to ask yourself if you’ve had enough Ben Affleck.

Others speculate that the choice of Affleck proves that we are not alone in the universe.  Said one astrophysicist:

Think about it.  If an alien race were to attack our planet they’d soften us up first, lower our morale and destroy our will to live.  This is the only explanation for the casting of Affleck as Batman.  We are doomed.  If you want my advice kill yourself now before you are used as a sex slave by aliens.  And not the sexy aliens in tight shiny miniskirt outfits.  No I mean the other aliens.  The overweight ones with too much body hair who smell like unwashed eastern European men.  How’d you like to be probed by them?

Though many disagree on the meaning of the Affleck casting all are agreed on one thing:  Republicans are to blame.

I humbly suggest that my readers stock up on canned goods, batteries and bottled water.  The apocalypse has begun.

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