Yankees Continue Domination of Toronto; Ichiro Hits No. 4000

“Baseball is like church.  Many attend.  Few understand.” ~ Leo Durocher.

I can see AROD rubbing cream on his body from here.

I can see AROD rubbing cream on his body from here.

The Yankees tonight continued to use the Toronto “Useless, eh” Blue Jays as their personal bitch.

The Yankees started Adam “Who?” Warren (1-2 3.57) and the Bitch Jays started last year’s Cy Young award winner R.A. Dickey (9-12 4.49).

Toronto scored (or should I be fashionable and say “plated“) first in the top of the second.  Anthony Gose single and stole second.  He then scored on a Munenori Kawasaki single.  1-0 Toronto after 1 1/2.

The Yankees returned a run in the bottom of the second.  Eduardo Nunez singled, stole second and then went to third on a wild pitch (Dickey the knuckleballer was pitching after all.) After Lyle Overbay struck out and yesterday’s hero Jason Nix was hit by a pitch catcher Austine Romine hit a sacrifice fly to left field scoring Nunez.  1-1 after two.

The Yankees took the lead in the bottom of the third.  Robinson Cano doubled on an 0-2 count.  Alfonso Soriano then struck out.  The next batter, Curtis Granderson, singled Cano home. 2-1 Yankees after three.

In the top of the fourth Toronto tied it again when Jose Thole (he of the .139 batting average) hit a home run on a 2-0 count into the Yankee bullpen.  This shocked the crowd.  Granted not as shocked as they were when they found out AROD was still doing PEDs but shocked nonetheless.

And so the score remained tied as the game settled into a pitcher’s duel  That is until the bottom of the eighth.  After a Robinson Cano single, Alfonso Soriano homered into left field.  4-2 Yankees after eight.

And that was the final score as Mariano Rivera came in to pitch the ninth (and pick Rajai Davis off second base after he doubled.)

Final score:  Yankees 4 Toronto 2.  David Huff (1-0 5.79) was credited with the win for the Yankees and Dickey got the loss for Toronto.

Notes on the game:

Former Met Jose Reyes was ejected in the second inning after arguing a call strike three and throwing his helmet.  The fragile Reyes then pulled every muscle in his body and will be on the disabled list until 2015.

Tonight was the “meaningless piece of shit” promotion night.  I was given a DVD of AROD’s interview with Katie Couric where he denied using PEDs.  I’m a sentimental man.  I hope one day to pass this DVD on to my children and grandchildren.  Or burn it.

The Yankees pride themselves on their “green” initiatives.  It was announced that, except for the 1000 dollar seats, all flush toilets in the bathrooms had been replaced by buckets. Not being rich, I don’t deserve flush a flush toilet.  It’s for the children.

Ichiro got his 4000th career hit in the first inning.

4000 hits for the  man who hates Innominatus!

4000 hits for the man who hates Innominatus!

The ball was then given to AROD (pictured here)

AROD in his natural habitat.

AROD in his natural habitat.

who put it in a syringe and injected it into his ass.

It was childhood cancer awareness night at the stadium.  Because why go to a ballpark just to enjoy the game?  We go to be reminded that we are all going to die slowly, painfully, alone and afraid.  Or, as New York Mets fans call it, “Every season.”

The  man sitting next to me was a big AROD supporter.  He exploded in the sixth inning.  I blame the steroids.

Game-used souvenirs are big now.  I bought some game-used human growth cream.  I’m rubbing it on my penis now.


Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of “The tongue is moistened by the humidity of the flavored morsel” didn’t rouse the crowd.  Though the guy sitting behind me thought I was talking about popcorn.

Reader mail:

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “My tongue is moistened by the humidity of the flavored morsel.”

Didn’t I just say that?  Cheater!  You’re a cheater!  Someone have him piss in a cup.

S.J. of Harlem writes, “My tongue is also moistened by the humidity of the flavored morsel.”

You Biogenesis freak!

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “My ex dog and his army have captured me.  I have been sentenced to die by firing squad at dawn.”

Do these dogs have moist tongues?  Is it caused by the humidity of the morsel?

A.P of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “I have successfully broken out of prison and am hiding in Pennsylvania.  The Feds will never find me.

It can be humid in Pennsylvania this time of year.  Be careful your tongue doesn’t swell up from being moistened.

Recommended reading material:

Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

And so my record stands at 7-4 this year.  My next game is Sunday September 1st against the Baltimore Orioles.

Go Yankees!

And, for what it’s worth, here is a video I recorded of Ichiro after hitting no. 4000:

Ichiro hits no. 4000!



4 Responses

  1. Plated? Is that gold plated or nickle plated or copper plated or what? Does that mean every time a player crosses home plate they get their cleets plated? We are talking about baseball, aren’t we?

  2. innominatus says:

    >>>who put it in a syringe and injected…

    OK, prolonged laughter at that one. I was still trying to regain my composure when I had to take an incoming call. I’m pretty sure my customer now thinks I am retarded.

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