Alec Baldwin Attacks Photographer Because He’s Distressed Over the Upcoming War with Syria and Man’s Inhumanity to Man but Mainly Because He’s an Asshole

Get the f*ck out of my face you queer Jew!  We shouldn't be bombing Syria.  And you're a queer Jew!

Get the f*ck out of my face you queer Jew! We shouldn’t be bombing Syria. And you’re a queer Jew!

Noted thespian Alec Baldwin engaged in a physical altercation with a photographer who took photos of him and his wife as they were strolling through Greenwich Village.

The noted thespian, lover of peace and anti-war activist grabbed the offending photographer and pinned him against the hood of a car.

Witnesses say that Baldwin “went beserk”  and screamed profanities as he attempted to physically harm the member of the paparazzi.  Said one:

I was standing a few feet away and he kept screaming “The President has no authority under the Constitution to unilaterally bomb Syria. Why would a Nobel peace prize winner do this?”  At least I think that’s what he said.  He might also have called him a “toxic little queen.” 

A second bystander backs up this story.

Mr. Baldwin was screaming “War is not the answer” and “What do we want?  Peace for the people of Syria.  When do we want it?  Now!”  He’s an actor so naturally he hates war. He wants all of humanity to live in peace with each other.  I think that’s why he was beating up the photographer.  The war has messed with his mind.  Though he did call him “a f*cking little bitch” and that he was “going to put my foot up your f*cking ass but you’d enjoy that wouldn’t you, you faggot Jew!  Yeah, you little queen I’m going to f*ck you in your ass”  Look, these are tough times we live in. I’m sure Mr. Baldwin felt sorry for what he did.  But the upcoming war has us all on edge.

After the attack the photographer called the police.

“I’ve just been attacked by Alec Baldwin.  I’m in the store.  I need the police.”

When policed arrived Baldwin was long gone.  The bystanders told the NYPD that Baldwin seemed to be very angry about something, most likely the thought that the United States will soon begin bombing Syria.  Upon hearing this they refused to arrest the noted thespian.

“From what we can gather Baldwin was engaged in an anti-war protest” said one of the policemen on the scene.

Hollywood has a long history of opposing illegal wars for oil and imperialism.  This was no different.  I expect a lot more Hollywood elite will be beating up photographers the next couple days in protest.

As to the slurs that were allegedly uttered by Baldwin, another officer told reporters that

He’s probably just an asshole.  An asshole who cares deeply about peace in this world.  But mainly he’s just an asshole.

Mr. Baldwin has had no comment on the altercation.


3 Responses

  1. Thespian? Does that mean Baldwin is a tragic Greek? The name Baldwin doesn’t sound Greek to me. But then the Greeks are a pretty tragic lot these days. Does that make them all assholes?

  2. Matt says:

    How dare that photographer accost one of his betters? The only thing that makes Baldwin an asshole is proles that don’t know their rightful place.

    Baldwin should have played Zod- it would not have been a stretch at all.

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