It’s time I got some!

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge, chief engineer of the Starship Enterprise, has informed his friends that he has joined the dating service eHarmony.

“Space is a very lonely place” La Forge said in an email to his colleagues.

I crave human companionship.  I crave it.  A lot.  I mean, you can only stay up all night fixing a minor flaw in a shuttle pod so many times before you start wandering the halls of starships grabbing yeomen on their asses. And I don’t have to tell you that is a court martial offense.

La Forge also lamented that he appears to be the only one on the Enterprise that “isn’t getting some action.”

Captain Picard, that skinny chicken-legged bald-headed freak gets so many women. How does he do it? “I use my mind, the sexiest organ” he told me.  And Commander Riker?  Don’t get me started.  He’s sleeping his way across the universe.  Personally I think he gets his woman by closing his eyes and pretending they are donuts. And Data?  He’s not even alive and he’s getting some. Once I was taking a shower and he entered and asked me to look at his penis.  “I”m fully functional” he said.  “I even shoot 10 CCs of ejaculate-like substance.”  What the hell are you telling me for?  I don’t want to know. Our relationship has never been the same after that.  Even the enlisted men are getting some.  And that’s bad for morale when they get some but not an officer

La Forge was encouraged to join eHarmony after a session with counselor Troi.

I sensed that Geordi was tense and needed some release.  He kept telling me how he imagines the entire ship having sex behind closed doors and laughing at him.  I would have helped him out myself but I also sensed that he’s submissive in bondage games and that’s usually my role.

La Forge is optimistic that eHarmony can help him.

eHarmony isn’t about matching people with the same hobbies.  It’s about compatibility.  I had to fill out a questionnaire.  They use computers with algorithms and shit like that.  

As part of his membership La Forge gets seven potential matches delivered to his email every morning.

It’s great.  I look forward to checking my email every morning.  Sometimes I even ignore the alerts that are sent out from engineering.  That’s my new attitude.  Life’s too short to worry about a warp core breach.  I only care about finding my one true soul mate.

Breaking news:  The Starship Enterprise, flagship of the United Federation of Planets, is missing and presumed destroyed in a warp core breach.

“We fear the worst” said the President of the Federation.

I can’t explain it.  They had one of the best engineers but lately he was slacking.  He even sent me an email saying he wanted to be known as “The Love Engineer.”  I was going to replace him next week.  I guess I’m too late.

The president also announced that for security purposes eHarmony will be blocked on all Federation servers for the foreseeable future.

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