10 Jan 14

Out of Work Again, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Hopes For a Better 2014

I know next year I will find steady employment!

I know next year I will find steady employment!

 

With Christmas over, many Americans who relied on the holiday find themselves out of work.  Famed reindeer Rudolph is one of them.  I caught up with him as he waited in line at the local unemployment office.

MI:  Good morning Rudolph.

RRNR:  What’s up?

MI:  After the glory and romance of Christmas eve, do you find it strange to be in line asking for unemployment benefits?

RRNR:  It is what it is.  I happens every year.

MI:  What about the other reindeer?  Donner?  Blitzen? Comet?  Are they also looking for work?

RRNR:  Nah, you see, they all work for Santa. He keeps them after the holidays and they do other work, like keep the computers at the north pole up and running.  Stuff like that.

MI:  But he doesn’t keep you on?  I don’t understand.

RRNR: I’m not technically an employee of the North Pole.  I’m a contractor.  A second class employee as it were.  So after the holiday he lets my contractor know my services aren’t needed anymore.

MI:  But why doesn’t Santa just hire you full time?

RRNR:  My contractor sponsored my Visa.  If Santa hires me I lose my North Pole Visa and have to go back to my homeland.

MI:  Which is?

RRNR:  Detroit.

MI:  I see.  I understand the reluctance now.  But can’t Santa sponsor your Visa if he hires you?

RRNR:  Good luck getting the cheap, fat bastard to do that.

MI:  So why go back to working at the North Pole every year?

RRNR:  What the f*ck am I going to tell my kid?  He’s so proud that his dad helps Santa deliver presents every year.  I can’t say no.

MI:  Okay.  So what do you do for work the rest of the year?

RRNR:  Whatever my contractor sends me to do.  Sometimes I clean brush.  Other times I plow the streets after a snow storm.  It’s not steady work but I’ll take whatever I can.

MI:  Have you considered getting another job? Perhaps quitting the contracting job you have now?

RRNR:  Look, what did I just finish f*cking telling you?  My contractor has my Visa.  Do you want me to go back to Detroit?  The city is overrun by wild dogs.  I wouldn’t last a minute.  It’s, it’s……..

[Rudolph breaks down crying]

RRNR:  Oh god I’ve made such a mess of my life.  My contractor has me by the thumb.  Clarice is bleeding me dry with alimony.  I don’t have any marketable skills besides this stupid red nose. I’m just trying to make ends meet.

MI:  Sorry to hear that.  I didn’t know you had it so rough.

RRNR:  I just need some money to pay my rent.

MI:  Um, I’ll see if I know anyone who needs a reindeer.

[pause]

RRNR:  I’ll suck your d*ck for twenty bucks.

MI:  What?

RRNR:  I said I’ll suck your d*ck for twenty bucks.

MI: Yeah, um.

RRNR:  Come on man, I need the money!  Fifty bucks and I’ll let you do me in my pooper.  Just let me clean it first.

MI: Oh look at the time.  I better be going.

And so ended my encounter with perhaps the most famous reindeer of all.  All I can say is make wise choices, my readers.  Because if you don’t you’ll end up like Rudoph.

(563)

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9 Jan 14

The Gospel of Barack Obama According to Chris Matthews (Part II)

And Barack shineth in the darkness

And Barack shineth in the darkness

And the third day there was a marriage in Georgetown and the mother of Barack was there.

And Barack was also invited, and his disciples in the Mainstream Media, to the marriage.

And the wine failing the mother of Barack saith to him: They have no wine.

And Barack saith to her: Woman, what is that to thee and to me?  Has this wine been supplied by the Federal government?

His mother saith to the union-backed waiters:  Whatever he shall say to you, do ye, after your break if ye must.  Or if it’s not your job find someone else and have them do what he says.

Now there were set lots and lots and lots of bottles of wine, this being an elite wedding,

Barack saith unto the nonunion busboys:  Fill the plastic environmentally friendly water bottles with water.  And the busboys did as he asked, being in need of green cards.

And Barack saith to them:  Draw out now and carry to the union waiters.  And the busboys did while grumbling that the man is a taskmaster.

And the party goers tasted the water and called Barack over.

And saith to him:  What is this shit? Thou hast given us bottled water and not wine.

And Barack did say:  If you like your wine, you can keep your wine.  But really, water is much greener.  We didn’t have to kill grapes to make it.

This beginning of the miracles of redistribution Barack did in Georgetown; and manifested his socialist glory, and the mainstream media did believe in him.

And the pasch of  the Jews was at hand, and Barack did not call the Israeli prime minister though he did call for a two-state solution.

And he found in the Capitol them that called themselves “teabaggers” who believed in limited government.

And when he made, as it were, a scourge of little cords, he drove the teabaggers out of the Capitol building and the Constitution he did overthrow.

And to the teabaggers he said:  Make not America a place of limited government with low taxes.

And his disciples in the mainstream media remembered that is is written: The zeal of socialist redistribution hath consumed me.

The teabaggers answered, and said to him: What sign dost thou show us, and where do you get the authority to unilaterally declare which laws will be followed and which not?

Barack answered, and said unto them:  Thou art stupid.  Destroy the Constitution and in three days I will write a better one, for I am a constitutional scholar.

The teabaggers said:  Two hundred and twenty four years was this Constitution ours and wilt thou write another one in three days?

But Barack spoke of the Constitution of Redistribution.

When he was risen again from the dead, his disciples in the mainstream media remembered that he had said this and they believed in socialism and the word of Barack.

Now when he was at the Capitol many believed in his name, seeing the power of redistribution around him.

But Barack did not trust himself unto them, for that he knew all men.

And because he needed not that any should give testimony of man; for he knew what limited government was to man.

(to be continued.)

(554)

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8 Jan 14

Bill de Blasio’s Daughter Admits Substance Abuse Problems

Depression made me do drugs and wear whatever the hell is on my head.

Depression made me do drugs and wear whatever the hell is on my head.

With our new mayor Bill de Blasio firmly ensconced in office, attention has shifted to his daughter Chiara de Blasio who has posted a video online talking about her troubles with substance abuse.  As a public service to my readers I now present a transcript of Miss de Blasio’s video.  Hopefully those of my readers with substance abuse issues will continue to read my blog seek professional help.  Because a mind, like Gene Kelly’s toupee, is a terrible thing to waste.

Hello I’m Chiara de Blasio, daughter of the mayor of New York City.

Every kid who grows up in New York grows up pretty fast, especially if like me, you come from an upper middle class privileged background.  I remember my father saying that the kids he was running guns to in Nicaragua didn’t grow up as fast as me.

I’ve had depression, clinical depression for like my entire adolescence.  Knowing that you don’t have the latest video game is bound to depress a kid, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.

It made it easier, the more I drank and did drugs to be accepted by people I wouldn’t normally be accepted by – you know.  Poor kids.

When I went off to college I didn’t do the proper mental and emotional work. Like all those in the inner city I kinda just thought all my problems would go away If I got on a plane and flew to an elite Ivy league university 3,000 miles away.  I went to class but I didn’t really understand what I had to be doing to be a successful student. Someone said “study.”  But he was a Republican so I ignored the racist.

I had physical insecurity issues and I tried to hide my appearance behind the flowers I put on my head but that only made me stick out further.  I think they were flowers. Might have been cake.

I kept telling myself I wouldn’t smoke weed and being only half black I only smoked half the joints that were given to me.

My therapist, and really don’t all kids have therapists, recommended group outpatient therapy where I could work through my issue with other children of rich folk who live in elite Brooklyn neighborhoods.

My mom tried real hard to help me anyway she could but she was real, real busy trying to look like Danny Glover.

Removing substances from my life has opened so many doors.  Literally.  I used to have problems with doorknobs when I was stoned.  They made me laugh.  I mean have you ever looked at a  doorknob?  They are funny. But now that I’m sober I can open them.

I’m doing well in school now.  I actually did some homework, just like those who go to public schools and get graded have to do.

Getting sober is always a positive thing.  Well, mostly a positive thing.  Now that I’m sober what the hell am I wearing in my hair?

This thing in my hair frightens and confuses me.

This thing in my hair frightens and confuses me.

I’ll have to speak to my therapist about this.

There’s still so much work to be done in modifying how the masses think.  What? Oh yeah, about alcohol and drug addiction I meant.  Not private property.

Substance abuse is a disease, just like cancer. No one chooses to get cancer.  And no once chooses to open a refrigerator and drink 12 beers before vomiting.

I wanted to speak out because people are suffering from this disease.  But now thanks to the Affordable Care Act they don’t have to suffer.  You like your drugs? You can keep your drugs.

Nobody can do sobriety on their own.  It takes a village to raise a sober child.  It takes adult caregivers.  Yes, caregivers.  Not parents.  Parents implies a family unit opposed to the state.  Caregiver implies a person sent from the state to give you Demerol.

I’m Chiara de Blasio and my parents paid for this message.

I”m sure all my readers wish her continued success in sobriety. Though studies have shown that sober people do not read my blog.

(1166)

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7 Jan 14

MSM Discovers Pope Francis is Catholic; Asks How this Happened

You mean he's a Catholic? We waz robbed!

You mean he’s a Catholic? We wuz robbed!

Shock and disbelief ran through the corridors of the mainstream media today after it was discovered that Pope Francis is Catholic.

“How the hell does a thing like this happen” declared Time Magazine’s outraged managing editor, Nancy Gibbs.

We just made him our man of the year. If we had known he was Catholic we never would have done that.  Catholics are evil.  The Church is evil.  Christians are evil. Republicans are evil.  Evil is everywhere except in the Democratic party.  Not that I’m saying evil exists because that would be making a bourgeois value judgement.  But everyone who isn’t a liberal Democratic is evil.  That’s why we made Francis the man of the year.  We all thought he was one of us. He hates the same things we hate:  the Church.  Capitalism.  Dogma and Organized religion, except for Islam which as we all know is the Religion of Peace.  I don’t have to tell you we have egg on our faces.

Sources say the news of the Pope’s Catholicism first broke when a reporter for CNN went to interview Francis and witnessed him saying Mass.

There was this procession and it looked like they were all walking behind someone carrying two tire irons. I asked what it was and someone said “Pope Francis is walking behind a cross.” Cross?  I didn’t even know he was angry.  Then he started to elevate something and I asked what he was doing.  I was told he was elevating the host.  I thought that meant he was promoting Jimmy Falon.  But they told me it was the body and blood of Christ.  It was then that I first realized that Pope Francis was a Catholic.  I felt so disgusted.  I had to run out and vomit in the street.

Simultaneously with the incident in Rome, reporters for MSNBC verified Pope Francis’ Catholicism by asking one of their Hispanic cleaning ladies about him.

“We love Hispanics deeply” said a source at the network who wishes to remain anonymous.

They are peoples of color and they vote Democrat. Well, except for the Cubans so they don’t count.  Anyway as I was saying we love Hispanics but we are troubled by their religiosity.  It seems so out of character for a Democrat.  But she confirmed that Pope Francis is indeed a Catholic.  We had to fire her just to be safe.

With the disturbing news that their favorite anti-dogma, pro-socialism, pro-gay marriage public figure was indeed Catholic the major media outlooks have banded together to ensure that a fraud like Pope Francis never again pulls the wool over their eyes.

“It’s all about fact-checking” said a producer.

We are going to double check things from now on. Being in the news industry normally I don’t concern myself with facts but sometimes you have to do your homework. Like that time I was going to do an article about President Johnson assassinating President Kennedy.  I googled “Johnson killed Kennedy” and they said it was true.  Then I ran the story.

As for the newly-discovered Catholic Pope Francis, Time Magazine has withdrawn its Man of the Year award.

“We should have gone with Miley Cyrus” said Gibbs.  “She sets a better moral example.”

(1221)

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6 Jan 14

My Exclusive Interview with Pajama Boy

I like hot cocoa except when it burns my throat

I like hot cocoa except when it burns my throat

With there being much confusion regarding the Affordable Care Act (Is the website working, has my insurance company received my payment, when is the deadline) the Obama administration rolled out a new ad featuring the so-called “Pajama Boy” that was supposed to get people talking.  The ad was unsuccessful and Pajama Boy was roundly mocked.

Being a fair man except when drunk and/or on a hallucinogenic and/or chaining Olivia Wilde up in my basement I decided to let Pajama Boy tell his story.

MI: Good morning Pajama Boy

PB: Is it morning?  I should go back to sleep.

MI: I didn’t mean that literally.  It’s the afternoon.

PB: Oh good.  I can watch Steve Harvey and Ellen DeGeneres.

MI: So tell me, why did you agree to pose for the ad for the Affordable Care Act?

PB: My mother said I had to or she wouldn’t make my bed.

MI: I see.  And you always do what your mother tells you?

PB: Yes.  I love my mother.  She makes me dinner.

MI: So I take it you still live at home?

PB: Of course. Don’t all boys live at home?

MI: Boys yes.  But at a certain age you become a man and move out and get your own place.

PB:  Your own place?  But who tucks you in at night.

MI: A woman.

PB: My mother’s a woman.

MI: A lover.

PB: I love my mother.

MI: Okay let’s try another track.  What do you do for a living?

PB: Living?

MI: Yes.  What is your job?  Your vocation?

PB: I don’t have a job.  It’s not that I don’t want to work it’s just that all the jobs out there don’t appeal to me.  I had a job once and people were mean to me and told me to do stuff I didn’t want to do.

MI: Yes.  That’s a job.

PB: Well I don’t like it.  Why can’t I be paid for sitting at home in front of my computer. No one is mean to me then.

MI: How did you – 

PB: Ouch!  Ouch!  Ouch!

MI: What happened?  What’s wrong?

PB: I burned the roof of my mouth on this hot chocolate!  It hurts!  It hurts!  Make it better!

MI: What?  I don’t –

PB: Make it better!

MI: I don’t know.  Suck on an ice cube or something.

PB: I don’t like you.  You’re mean!  You see!  This is why I need the affordable care act! Oh god the roof of my mouth!  It burns!  It burns!

MI:  Do you want me to call a doctor?

PB:  I don’t have insurance.  This is an emergency!  I need help!

MI: It’s not an emergency.

PB:  Get out!  Get out! You brute!  You manly brute!  I just want to cry.  Mom!

And so I left Pajama Boy and his burned mouth.  Hopefully his mother took care of him and made it all better.

(1851)

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3 Jan 14

Star Fleet Establishes New Guidelines for Communicator Use

Yes, Captain. I've seen your penis before. No need to send me another selfie.

Yes, Captain. I’ve seen your penis before. No need to send me another selfie.

Still reeling from the suspension of James T. Kirk for “inappropriate selfie sending“, the United Federation of Planets has implemented new procedures governing communicator protocol.

“These communicators are for official business” said the president of the Federation of Planets.

We can’t have our officers using them to send out pictures of their private regions.  It’s nonmilitary.  It’s bad for morale.  And it clutters the Federation servers.  We almost missed an attack by a Klingon Bird of Prey when our network crashed because of Kirk’s thousands of images of his penis. That’s no way to run an interstellar organization.

The trouble for Star Fleet began when they signed an exclusive contract with Apple to give all employees new Apple communicators with graphics capability.

The old communicators were no-nonsense and pure military.  All you could do was call someone.  They fit the purpose for which they were supposed to be used.  But then some admiral started complaining because he wanted to send photos of himself on the bridge to his grandchildren.  So we contacted Apple.   I wasn’t happy about the new communicators.  It was a drastic change in culture. But hey, you have to keep admirals happy.

Soon after the new communicators were distributed the trouble started.  While on a mission to try to convince the Halkan council to mine more dilithium crystals, Kirk created an international incident by sending a photo of his penis to the council leader’s daughter.

He claimed it wasn’t him, that he was in some parallel universe and it must have been his evil doppelganger.  We didn’t believe him but we let it go because, at the time, it was an isolated incident.

But soon the selfies were being sent by everybody.

Who knew Star Fleet officers could be so horny.  Everyone was sending photos of their penis.  Kirk, Spock, McCoy. Hell, even Uhura was sending photos of her penis which kind of freaked us all out since no one even knew she was a tranny.

Under General Order no. 37, any Star Fleet officer who “sends a photo commonly known as a selfie or otherwise makes known his genitalia in a nonmilitary fashion will be docked two weeks vacation time.”

As for Captain Kirk, he has issued a statement apologizing for his actions and announced that he will be entering a rehab center on the planet of Risa.

“Risa?  Great.  Well, at least he’ll be too busy to send selfies” said the president.

(522)

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2 Jan 14

Tragedy Strikes Global Warming Cruise

Next year I'm definitely going with Disney cruise lines.

Next year I’m definitely going with Disney cruise lines.

Tragedy struck when a research ship, studying the effects of global warming was trapped in a flow of ice near Antarctica and crushed, killing all on board.

The Russian ship Akademik Shokalskiy became trapped in a thick flow of ice on Christmas day.  All attempts to rescue the passengers and crew were hamperd by the record ice.

“We came here to study the effects of man-made global warming” said the research director.

Sea ice is disappearing everywhere.  I mean there is no sea ice left whatsoever! The science is settled.  As to why we are currently trapped in ice I have no scientific explanation.  Perhaps it’s Sarah Palin’s fault.  Or the record increase in global temperature has somehow forced all the water to become ice because when water becomes warm it turns to ice.  That’s a scientific fact.

Experts in global warming say that the ship was trapped in ice possibly because it was on the water.  Said one:

The dramatic increase in global warming means that ice, a malevolent force that is pure evil, will have nowhere to go. Seeking a place to wreak havoc upon mankind, whom they blame for the destruction of their natural habitat, they will go out into the open seas and find research vessels.  If only the ice knew that the research vessel was its friend.  If only the ice knew that the research vessel was searching for a cure to man-made global warming.  Why it’s almost like the ice has no consciousness! 

As the ice advanced and trapped the ship, pressing in against its sides, frightened passengers could hear groaning and popping noises as the hull was crushed.

As the ship started to break up communication between the passengers, crew and would be rescuers became intermittent.

One of the last messages received from the ship came from the leader of the expedition.  It read:

I’m very, very cold.  So very very cold.  I never knew global warming could cause such cold.  The science is settled!  My ass is stuck to the toilet!

Using ship to ship radio a passenger complained about the cruise and asked for a refund.

I hate global warming now more than ever.  Next year I’m definitely going to use Carnival Cruise Lines.  I mean sometimes their ships lose power and we can’t use the toilets for a week but at least we don’t get crushed to death by global warming ice.

A feature film depicting the plight of the ship is already in production.  Entitled, “Death by Global Warming Deniers” the movie will star Matt Damon as the plucky Russian Captain who saves his entire crew and melts the ice by reading from the works of Al Gore.

“I’m proud to be involved with this project” said Damon.  “I’m smart.  Not like people say!”

(979)

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31 Dec 13

Diary of An Accomplished, Independent Feminist Political Operative

I love him! He makes me feel helpless and that makes me feel powerful

I love him! He makes me feel helpless and that makes me feel powerful

 

The big news this week in New York is that Lis Smith, Mayor-elect de Blasio’s communications director has shacked up with disgraced former governor Eliot Spitzer, aka, Client Number Nine.

Many are wondering how Smith, 31, a smart, accomplished career woman could become involved with the hooker happy ex-governor.

“Why is she with him?  You have to question her judgement” said a political aide to de Blasio.

I mean she’s smart.  And accomplished. She’s accomplished things.  She’s on de Blasio’s transition team and does transition stuff.  And you don’t get on a transition team to do transition things unless your accomplished.  I mean she’s accomplished stuff.  Lots of stuff.  Don’t ask me specifics but she’s accomplished.

With many wondering the same thing I was lucky enough to steal, make up, obtain a copy of Lis Smith’s diary.  I think this sheds some light on how an accomplished, transitional career woman can find herself sleeping with Eliot Spitzer.

Dear diary: It’s me, Lis again.  It’s the end of the day and I feel lonely.  I’m smart, and very accomplished.  The mayor elect of New York has named me to his transition team.  So why do I feel so lonely? My mother says I need a man.  She’s so bourgeois!  What do I need a man for.  I’m accomplished!

Dear diary: Sorry for the last post.  I was feeling sorry for myself.  Probably because Republicans have declared war on women.  Anyway I had dinner with Eliot Spitzer today. I like him.  He’s reliably pro-abortion.  

Dear diary: I had dinner with Eliot again. He brought a gift for me!  He handed me and IUD and said, “Here, this is for your pussy.  You’re going to need it tonight, if you know what I mean.”  I was shocked.  But then I remembered that Republicans have declared war on women and then I didn’t feel so bad.

Dear diary: Eliot spent the night at my place.  I was able to use the IUD.  We had sex.  I know he’s old enough to be my father but he’s a Democrat and that makes it okay. The sex was rough.  Very rough.  He kept his socks on and insisted I call him “The Big Man.”  At one point he tied me up the the bed and started choking me. I was frightened at first and felt weak and helpless but then I remembered that feminist power comes through weakness.  Only through powerlessness can I be powerful.  Anyway when we finished he took his socks off and threw them at me and said, “Clean yourself up you tramp.”  Thank god he isn’t a Republican or I might have cried.

Dear diary: I took my man, I mean my partner since man is a patriarchal term, to meet my mother.  She is so old-fashioned.  “I would never date a married man 25 years older than I am” she said.  I think she’s a Republican.  Anyway we had a great dinner.  Then after dinner when I was cleaning the dishes – Eliot says that a bitch like myself must clean the dishes, he’s so funny that way – my mother and Eliot disappeared.  I was worried at first but then I found them together in the bedroom. Eliot was on top of my mother and saying “Call me the Big Man.”  He then threw his socks at her and said “Clean yourself up bitch.”  I was jealous at first but then I remembered that jealousy is patriarchal.  Anyway I can’t blame my mother for sleeping with him.  He’s a Democrat and he supports female reproductive freedom.  And that’s just sexy!

Dear diary: Eliot beat me up pretty badly.  I guess he was just so enraged by the Republican war on women.  I forgave him.  God is this love?

I have presented these fragments from Lis Smith’s diary in the hope that it will make her affair with Spitzer easier to understand.  I believe it does.

(6945)

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30 Dec 13

A Special Message From the A&E Television Network

We are reinstating the bearded hick but not because we were worried about losing profit.

We are reinstating the bearded hick but not because we were worried about losing profit.

With the recent controversy regarding Duck Dynasty, the suspension of Phil Robertson and his subsequent reinstatement I thought it fitting that I dedicate today’s post to the reconciliation of our bruised, battered country.  Without further adieu I now present the message from A&E announcing Robertson’s reinstatement:

As a global media content company, A&E Networks’ core values are centered around creativity, inclusion and mutual respect for ourselves and other members of the elite. We believe it is a privilege for our brand of crappy storage wars TV shows to be invited into people’s homes and we operate with a strong sense of integrity and deep commitment to these principals. Except when GLAAD threatens us.  

That is why we reacted so quickly and strongly, okay, cowardly to a recent interview with Phil Robertson. While Phil’s comments made in the interview reflect his personal views based on his own beliefs, non-elite hick that he is, and his own personal journey, hopefully far away from us in New York, he and his family have publicly stated they regret the “coarse language” he used and the misinterpretation of his core beliefs based only on the article. He also made it clear he would “never incite or encourage hate.” We at A&E Networks make it a point to never incite or encourage hate.  Except when it’s directed towards teabaggers or Christians.  But hey, they don’t deserve respect anyway.  Also, we at A&E would like to reiterate that we do not hold Phil Robertson’s viewpoint on homosexuality.  For the most part. We hate homosexuals too, but for the right reason:  They charge too much when redecorating our summer homes in the Hamptons.

But Duck Dynasty is not a show about one man’s views. It resonates with a large audience because it is a show about family.  That and Americans are stupid.  I mean, that’s not why we hired the Robertsons.  We made this show to laugh at these bearded hicks.  But America has come to love them.  This embarrasses us. The next time you are sipping expensive champagne during intermission at the Metropolitan Opera you try explaining to your friends why your network has Duck Dynasty.  We can’t say “because it’s our most profitable show” because then we look like capitalists.  Stupid capitalists.  Stupid, teabagging capitalists.

So after discussions with the Robertson family, (not in person of course because then we’d have to leave New York City) as well as consulting with our bottom line and numerous advocacy groups, but mainly our bottom line, A&E has decided to resume filming Duck Dynasty later this spring with the entire Robertson family, even the redneck asshole who started this whole trouble to begin with.

We will also use this moment to launch a national public service campaign (PSA) promoting unity, tolerance and acceptance among all peoples, even Republicans, a message that supports our core values as a company, and the values found in Duck Dynasty. These PSAs will air across our entire portfolio.

Though just between us you can ignore the PSAs.  We’re only airing them because we’re afraid of GLAAD. We’re almost as afraid of them as we are of losing our profits from this redneck show that Americans, stupid people that they are, seem to love.

So enjoy the next season of Duck Dynasty you hicks.  And remember to tune into our new reality show “Dog Crap Wars” which features ordinary Americans who do not summer in the Hamptons bidding on dog crap found in storage lockers.

Hey, it’s a cheap show to produce.  Certainly cheaper than what the interior designer charged for redecorating our summer home in the Hamptons.  Though we might have already mentioned that.

Sometimes we repeat ourselves.  Because repeats are cheap.

Your friends at the A&E Network.

(582)

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27 Dec 13

Schroeder Shot Dead!

Schroeder in happier times

Schroeder in happier times

Popular pianist Schroeder, who once wowed audiences with his talent, has been discovered dead, the apparent victim of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Police discovered his body slumped over his piano.  In his hand was a note that said, “I ask my fans to forgive me.”

Immediately expressions of sympathy poured in from throughout the world.  From the Republic of South Africa, President Jacob Zuma praised Schroeder for his piano playing and his commitment to social justice.

He often came here and played for our brothers at a time when a white musician to play for us was illegal.  He treated everyone as an equal.  Even dogs.  Why he used to let stray beagles dance on his piano.  He was a brother.  We will miss him.

President Obama praised Schroeder.

He played for me during my campaign and at my inaugural ball.  He was a good man who used the millions he made to combat racism, global warming and income inequality.

Schroeder, who preferred to be known professionally by his last name only (his first name was Larry) burst onto the classical music scene with “Schroeder:  The Basement Tapes” which became the first classical recording to go platinum since “Lady Gaga:  Fully clothed”.

The Basement tapes were followed in quick succession by “Sgt. Schroeder’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” “Schroeder’s White Album” and “The Plastic Schroeder Band.”

The Schroeder phenomenon it appeared was unstoppable, with Schroeder selling out concert halls, touring the world and doing a series of popular TV specials.  It seemed he could do no wrong.

But behind the success darkness lurked.

“It was Lucy” said Schroeder’s manager.  “She was the destroyer of worlds.”

Lucy Van Pelt’s infatuation with Schroeder began at an early age.  At first he was dismissive of her, but when she blossomed into a beauty

Mrs. Schroeder in a candid shot

Mrs. Schroeder in a candid shot

Schroeder overcame his original aloofness and became smitten with her.  A courtship followed and they became married.

But Lucy was a jealous wife.  She didn’t like Schroeder’s long absences from home while was on tour.

“Lucy knew about the groupies and she didn’t like it one bit” said a friend of Lucy.

The two would have frequent fights as Lucy accused Schroeder of cheating on her.  On one occasion she stabbed him in the hand, hoping out of spite to end his career.  Fortunately for Schroeder there was no permanent nerve damage and he continued his touring.

Unable to cope with her jealousy and violent rages, Schroeder hatched a plan to divorce her. One of his last public appearances was in a court asking for a restraining order against his estranged wife.

And now the music world mourns his death.

For the moment police believe it is a suicide but some have doubts.

“If it was a suicide why was the gun taped to his hand” said his lawyer. “And why was the suicide note in Lucy’s handwriting?”

Indeed a disheveled Lucy was captured on security cameras leaving Schroeder’s residence shortly before his body was discovered.

Based on these suspicions police have named Lucy a “person of interest” and have asked anyone with knowledge of her whereabouts to contact them.

(905)

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