You mean he’s a Catholic? We wuz robbed!

Shock and disbelief ran through the corridors of the mainstream media today after it was discovered that Pope Francis is Catholic.

“How the hell does a thing like this happen” declared Time Magazine’s outraged managing editor, Nancy Gibbs.

We just made him our man of the year. If we had known he was Catholic we never would have done that.  Catholics are evil.  The Church is evil.  Christians are evil. Republicans are evil.  Evil is everywhere except in the Democratic party.  Not that I’m saying evil exists because that would be making a bourgeois value judgement.  But everyone who isn’t a liberal Democratic is evil.  That’s why we made Francis the man of the year.  We all thought he was one of us. He hates the same things we hate:  the Church.  Capitalism.  Dogma and Organized religion, except for Islam which as we all know is the Religion of Peace.  I don’t have to tell you we have egg on our faces.

Sources say the news of the Pope’s Catholicism first broke when a reporter for CNN went to interview Francis and witnessed him saying Mass.

There was this procession and it looked like they were all walking behind someone carrying two tire irons. I asked what it was and someone said “Pope Francis is walking behind a cross.” Cross?  I didn’t even know he was angry.  Then he started to elevate something and I asked what he was doing.  I was told he was elevating the host.  I thought that meant he was promoting Jimmy Falon.  But they told me it was the body and blood of Christ.  It was then that I first realized that Pope Francis was a Catholic.  I felt so disgusted.  I had to run out and vomit in the street.

Simultaneously with the incident in Rome, reporters for MSNBC verified Pope Francis’ Catholicism by asking one of their Hispanic cleaning ladies about him.

“We love Hispanics deeply” said a source at the network who wishes to remain anonymous.

They are peoples of color and they vote Democrat. Well, except for the Cubans so they don’t count.  Anyway as I was saying we love Hispanics but we are troubled by their religiosity.  It seems so out of character for a Democrat.  But she confirmed that Pope Francis is indeed a Catholic.  We had to fire her just to be safe.

With the disturbing news that their favorite anti-dogma, pro-socialism, pro-gay marriage public figure was indeed Catholic the major media outlooks have banded together to ensure that a fraud like Pope Francis never again pulls the wool over their eyes.

“It’s all about fact-checking” said a producer.

We are going to double check things from now on. Being in the news industry normally I don’t concern myself with facts but sometimes you have to do your homework. Like that time I was going to do an article about President Johnson assassinating President Kennedy.  I googled “Johnson killed Kennedy” and they said it was true.  Then I ran the story.

As for the newly-discovered Catholic Pope Francis, Time Magazine has withdrawn its Man of the Year award.

“We should have gone with Miley Cyrus” said Gibbs.  “She sets a better moral example.”

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