Out of Work Again, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Hopes For a Better 2014

I know next year I will find steady employment!

I know next year I will find steady employment!


With Christmas over, many Americans who relied on the holiday find themselves out of work.  Famed reindeer Rudolph is one of them.  I caught up with him as he waited in line at the local unemployment office.

MI:  Good morning Rudolph.

RRNR:  What’s up?

MI:  After the glory and romance of Christmas eve, do you find it strange to be in line asking for unemployment benefits?

RRNR:  It is what it is.  I happens every year.

MI:  What about the other reindeer?  Donner?  Blitzen? Comet?  Are they also looking for work?

RRNR:  Nah, you see, they all work for Santa. He keeps them after the holidays and they do other work, like keep the computers at the north pole up and running.  Stuff like that.

MI:  But he doesn’t keep you on?  I don’t understand.

RRNR: I’m not technically an employee of the North Pole.  I’m a contractor.  A second class employee as it were.  So after the holiday he lets my contractor know my services aren’t needed anymore.

MI:  But why doesn’t Santa just hire you full time?

RRNR:  My contractor sponsored my Visa.  If Santa hires me I lose my North Pole Visa and have to go back to my homeland.

MI:  Which is?

RRNR:  Detroit.

MI:  I see.  I understand the reluctance now.  But can’t Santa sponsor your Visa if he hires you?

RRNR:  Good luck getting the cheap, fat bastard to do that.

MI:  So why go back to working at the North Pole every year?

RRNR:  What the f*ck am I going to tell my kid?  He’s so proud that his dad helps Santa deliver presents every year.  I can’t say no.

MI:  Okay.  So what do you do for work the rest of the year?

RRNR:  Whatever my contractor sends me to do.  Sometimes I clean brush.  Other times I plow the streets after a snow storm.  It’s not steady work but I’ll take whatever I can.

MI:  Have you considered getting another job? Perhaps quitting the contracting job you have now?

RRNR:  Look, what did I just finish f*cking telling you?  My contractor has my Visa.  Do you want me to go back to Detroit?  The city is overrun by wild dogs.  I wouldn’t last a minute.  It’s, it’s……..

[Rudolph breaks down crying]

RRNR:  Oh god I’ve made such a mess of my life.  My contractor has me by the thumb.  Clarice is bleeding me dry with alimony.  I don’t have any marketable skills besides this stupid red nose. I’m just trying to make ends meet.

MI:  Sorry to hear that.  I didn’t know you had it so rough.

RRNR:  I just need some money to pay my rent.

MI:  Um, I’ll see if I know anyone who needs a reindeer.


RRNR:  I’ll suck your d*ck for twenty bucks.

MI:  What?

RRNR:  I said I’ll suck your d*ck for twenty bucks.

MI: Yeah, um.

RRNR:  Come on man, I need the money!  Fifty bucks and I’ll let you do me in my pooper.  Just let me clean it first.

MI: Oh look at the time.  I better be going.

And so ended my encounter with perhaps the most famous reindeer of all.  All I can say is make wise choices, my readers.  Because if you don’t you’ll end up like Rudoph.


One Response

  1. petermc3 says:

    I recommend he relocate to the West Village: Where the bucks have plenty of dough.

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