Star Fleet Establishes New Guidelines for Communicator Use

Yes, Captain.  I've seen your penis before.  No need to send me another selfie.

Yes, Captain. I’ve seen your penis before. No need to send me another selfie.

Still reeling from the suspension of James T. Kirk for “inappropriate selfie sending“, the United Federation of Planets has implemented new procedures governing communicator protocol.

“These communicators are for official business” said the president of the Federation of Planets.

We can’t have our officers using them to send out pictures of their private regions.  It’s nonmilitary.  It’s bad for morale.  And it clutters the Federation servers.  We almost missed an attack by a Klingon Bird of Prey when our network crashed because of Kirk’s thousands of images of his penis. That’s no way to run an interstellar organization.

The trouble for Star Fleet began when they signed an exclusive contract with Apple to give all employees new Apple communicators with graphics capability.

The old communicators were no-nonsense and pure military.  All you could do was call someone.  They fit the purpose for which they were supposed to be used.  But then some admiral started complaining because he wanted to send photos of himself on the bridge to his grandchildren.  So we contacted Apple.   I wasn’t happy about the new communicators.  It was a drastic change in culture. But hey, you have to keep admirals happy.

Soon after the new communicators were distributed the trouble started.  While on a mission to try to convince the Halkan council to mine more dilithium crystals, Kirk created an international incident by sending a photo of his penis to the council leader’s daughter.

He claimed it wasn’t him, that he was in some parallel universe and it must have been his evil doppelganger.  We didn’t believe him but we let it go because, at the time, it was an isolated incident.

But soon the selfies were being sent by everybody.

Who knew Star Fleet officers could be so horny.  Everyone was sending photos of their penis.  Kirk, Spock, McCoy. Hell, even Uhura was sending photos of her penis which kind of freaked us all out since no one even knew she was a tranny.

Under General Order no. 37, any Star Fleet officer who “sends a photo commonly known as a selfie or otherwise makes known his genitalia in a nonmilitary fashion will be docked two weeks vacation time.”

As for Captain Kirk, he has issued a statement apologizing for his actions and announced that he will be entering a rehab center on the planet of Risa.

“Risa?  Great.  Well, at least he’ll be too busy to send selfies” said the president.


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