Bill de Blasio’s Daughter Admits Substance Abuse Problems

Depression made me do drugs and wear whatever the hell is on my head.

Depression made me do drugs and wear whatever the hell is on my head.

With our new mayor Bill de Blasio firmly ensconced in office, attention has shifted to his daughter Chiara de Blasio who has posted a video online talking about her troubles with substance abuse.  As a public service to my readers I now present a transcript of Miss de Blasio’s video.  Hopefully those of my readers with substance abuse issues will continue to read my blog seek professional help.  Because a mind, like Gene Kelly’s toupee, is a terrible thing to waste.

Hello I’m Chiara de Blasio, daughter of the mayor of New York City.

Every kid who grows up in New York grows up pretty fast, especially if like me, you come from an upper middle class privileged background.  I remember my father saying that the kids he was running guns to in Nicaragua didn’t grow up as fast as me.

I’ve had depression, clinical depression for like my entire adolescence.  Knowing that you don’t have the latest video game is bound to depress a kid, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.

It made it easier, the more I drank and did drugs to be accepted by people I wouldn’t normally be accepted by – you know.  Poor kids.

When I went off to college I didn’t do the proper mental and emotional work. Like all those in the inner city I kinda just thought all my problems would go away If I got on a plane and flew to an elite Ivy league university 3,000 miles away.  I went to class but I didn’t really understand what I had to be doing to be a successful student. Someone said “study.”  But he was a Republican so I ignored the racist.

I had physical insecurity issues and I tried to hide my appearance behind the flowers I put on my head but that only made me stick out further.  I think they were flowers. Might have been cake.

I kept telling myself I wouldn’t smoke weed and being only half black I only smoked half the joints that were given to me.

My therapist, and really don’t all kids have therapists, recommended group outpatient therapy where I could work through my issue with other children of rich folk who live in elite Brooklyn neighborhoods.

My mom tried real hard to help me anyway she could but she was real, real busy trying to look like Danny Glover.

Removing substances from my life has opened so many doors.  Literally.  I used to have problems with doorknobs when I was stoned.  They made me laugh.  I mean have you ever looked at a  doorknob?  They are funny. But now that I’m sober I can open them.

I’m doing well in school now.  I actually did some homework, just like those who go to public schools and get graded have to do.

Getting sober is always a positive thing.  Well, mostly a positive thing.  Now that I’m sober what the hell am I wearing in my hair?

This thing in my hair frightens and confuses me.

This thing in my hair frightens and confuses me.

I’ll have to speak to my therapist about this.

There’s still so much work to be done in modifying how the masses think.  What? Oh yeah, about alcohol and drug addiction I meant.  Not private property.

Substance abuse is a disease, just like cancer. No one chooses to get cancer.  And no once chooses to open a refrigerator and drink 12 beers before vomiting.

I wanted to speak out because people are suffering from this disease.  But now thanks to the Affordable Care Act they don’t have to suffer.  You like your drugs? You can keep your drugs.

Nobody can do sobriety on their own.  It takes a village to raise a sober child.  It takes adult caregivers.  Yes, caregivers.  Not parents.  Parents implies a family unit opposed to the state.  Caregiver implies a person sent from the state to give you Demerol.

I’m Chiara de Blasio and my parents paid for this message.

I”m sure all my readers wish her continued success in sobriety. Though studies have shown that sober people do not read my blog.


1 Comment

One Response

  1. bob agard says:

    I’ll overlook that last research and add a comment. I have a feeling that Mayor de Blasio will provide lots of material for Manhattan Infidel in the months and years to come. Here’s to you!

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