We are reinstating the bearded hick but not because we were worried about losing profit.

With the recent controversy regarding Duck Dynasty, the suspension of Phil Robertson and his subsequent reinstatement I thought it fitting that I dedicate today’s post to the reconciliation of our bruised, battered country.  Without further adieu I now present the message from A&E announcing Robertson’s reinstatement:

As a global media content company, A&E Networks’ core values are centered around creativity, inclusion and mutual respect for ourselves and other members of the elite. We believe it is a privilege for our brand of crappy storage wars TV shows to be invited into people’s homes and we operate with a strong sense of integrity and deep commitment to these principals. Except when GLAAD threatens us.  

That is why we reacted so quickly and strongly, okay, cowardly to a recent interview with Phil Robertson. While Phil’s comments made in the interview reflect his personal views based on his own beliefs, non-elite hick that he is, and his own personal journey, hopefully far away from us in New York, he and his family have publicly stated they regret the “coarse language” he used and the misinterpretation of his core beliefs based only on the article. He also made it clear he would “never incite or encourage hate.” We at A&E Networks make it a point to never incite or encourage hate.  Except when it’s directed towards teabaggers or Christians.  But hey, they don’t deserve respect anyway.  Also, we at A&E would like to reiterate that we do not hold Phil Robertson’s viewpoint on homosexuality.  For the most part. We hate homosexuals too, but for the right reason:  They charge too much when redecorating our summer homes in the Hamptons.

But Duck Dynasty is not a show about one man’s views. It resonates with a large audience because it is a show about family.  That and Americans are stupid.  I mean, that’s not why we hired the Robertsons.  We made this show to laugh at these bearded hicks.  But America has come to love them.  This embarrasses us. The next time you are sipping expensive champagne during intermission at the Metropolitan Opera you try explaining to your friends why your network has Duck Dynasty.  We can’t say “because it’s our most profitable show” because then we look like capitalists.  Stupid capitalists.  Stupid, teabagging capitalists.

So after discussions with the Robertson family, (not in person of course because then we’d have to leave New York City) as well as consulting with our bottom line and numerous advocacy groups, but mainly our bottom line, A&E has decided to resume filming Duck Dynasty later this spring with the entire Robertson family, even the redneck asshole who started this whole trouble to begin with.

We will also use this moment to launch a national public service campaign (PSA) promoting unity, tolerance and acceptance among all peoples, even Republicans, a message that supports our core values as a company, and the values found in Duck Dynasty. These PSAs will air across our entire portfolio.

Though just between us you can ignore the PSAs.  We’re only airing them because we’re afraid of GLAAD. We’re almost as afraid of them as we are of losing our profits from this redneck show that Americans, stupid people that they are, seem to love.

So enjoy the next season of Duck Dynasty you hicks.  And remember to tune into our new reality show “Dog Crap Wars” which features ordinary Americans who do not summer in the Hamptons bidding on dog crap found in storage lockers.

Hey, it’s a cheap show to produce.  Certainly cheaper than what the interior designer charged for redecorating our summer home in the Hamptons.  Though we might have already mentioned that.

Sometimes we repeat ourselves.  Because repeats are cheap.

Your friends at the A&E Network.

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