15 Sep 14

From the Manhattan Infidel Future Archives: A Discussion of President Obama’s “Post” Presidency

The world doesn't appreciate me!

The world doesn’t appreciate me!

Being a time traveler, as I assume most bloggers are, I sat down with some representatives from the mainstream media and popular culture in the year 2019 to discuss the impact of former President Obama’s “post” Presidency, which lasted roughly from his unofficial abdication in late 2013 until January 20, 2017.  Joining me in the discussion will be former Meet the Press host David Gregory, Mexican mouse Speedy Gonzalez and Gwyneth Paltrow.

MI: Good afternoon all.

SG:¡Andale! ¡Andale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Yii-hah

DG: I have a 30 round gun magazine in my hand.

GP: Just because I believe water has feelings does not make me batshit insane.

MI: Yes it does Ms. Paltrow.  Now let’s talk about the interregnum.  The first in U.S. history where a sitting president got bored with his job and effectively left office to play golf for the remainder of his term.  I have the statistic here and between December 2013 and January 2017 President Obama went golfing 452 times, attended Broadway plays 286 times, had dinner with interesting Italians 272 times and vacationed in Martha’s Vineyard 96 days leaving only 89 days in three years where he was in his office.

DG: I remind you I have a 30 round gun magazine in my hand.  

MI: Your point being?

DG: Don’t make fun of President Obama. He’s a brilliant intellect and America didn’t deserve him.  The world community didn’t appreciate him.  And so he left the world to its own devices.

MI: Do you think that was wise?  After ISIS captured the entire middle east Obama issued a statement saying that the development was almost as disturbing as his latest round of golf.  What sort of message do you think that sent to Putin, who then occupied Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania?

DG: I have a 30 round gun magazine in my hand.

MI: You know that’s illegal.  I could have you arrested.

[Police place David Gregory in Handcuffs]

DG:You can’t arrest me.  I’m David Gregory.  I used to host Meet the Press.  I was important!  Please. Let me be important again. The only job I’ve had since I was fired was playing Pete Best in a dinner theater production of Beatlemania.

[Gregory is tasered and led away]

MI: I guess that leaves just the three of us.  Speedy let me direct this question to you.  After the 2014 midterms went disastrously for the Democrats and they lost the Senate, President Obama unilaterally opened the southern border and granted amnesty to all.  Soon after that Texas, California and New Mexico seceded and joined Mexico.

SG: Si.  They no make southern borders like they used to.  Speedy no have to be speedy anymore.  Swim across river and come into Texas.  Speedy become slow and put on mucho weighto.  Speedy take nitrates for chest pain and can no take Cialis.  Speedy no have fun with the ladies.

MI: And you blame President Obama?

SG: Si. El Presidente ignore responsibility.  Speedy made bad lifestyle choices because of senor.

MI: I see.

SG: Speedy feel tightness in el pecho.  Speedy collapse.

[Speedy clutches his chest and collapses unconscious]

MI: Is he dead?

GP: Death is an organic process.  Decomposition is beautiful. When I die I’m going to have my decomposition photographed and put on Twitter.

MI: Okay, now Miss Paltrow, since it’s only the two of us left me ask you about the time Putin invaded Canada  in 2015 and used it as a forward base to attack the United States.

[Silence]

MI: Miss Paltrow?

GP: You gave me a glass of water.  

MI: Yes.

GP: A glass of water to drink.

MI: Yes.

GP:  You realize water has feelings.  Is this part of your war on water?

MI: Um.  No I just thought you might be thirsty. Now back to the question, When Putin invaded Canada – 

GP: I refuse to answer that question until this glass of water is set free. 

MI: You don’t want to drink it?

GP:  The only fluid I drink is my own urine.

MI: Right.  Well I see we’re out of time.  I’ll just back away slowly.

And so ended my trip to 2019.  I’m not going to tell you who’s president in 2019 but think hair plugs, white trash and Delaware.

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12 Sep 14

My Exclusive Interview with Senator Kirsten Gillibrand

I am NOT your girl toy!

I am NOT your girl toy!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to have an exclusive interview with New York’s junior Senator,  the lovely Kirsten Gillibrand.

MI: Good afternoon Senator Gillibrand.

KG: You called me lovely?  You called me lovely?  I am not your girl toy!

MI: Um, sorry.

KG: Would you call Chuck Schumer lovely?

MI: Well no.  He’s quite homely.

KG: Precisely.  I am so sick of you non-Democratic men and your non-Democratic double standards of sexism.

MI: Okay, okay.  Let’s start the interview.  In your new book you talk about a senator who called your porky.  Which senator was this?

KG: I don’t remember.  I don’t remember his name.

MI: Seriously?  It’s not like there are thousands of senators.

KG: No. I don’t remember his name.  Let me just say that comments like that are so typical of Republican men and their war on women.

MI: So he was a Republican?

KG: I assume so.  I don’t remember who he was.

MI: You can’t remember a face?  He’s a colleague after all.  I assume you must have bumped into him on the Senate floor.

KG: I don’t remember.  And let me just say that comments like his are sadly not isolated.  One other senator walked up to me and took his member out and started stroking it while saying, “Come on honey.  I know you want it.”

MI: My god that’s horrible.  Who was this?

KG:  I don’t recall.  I’m hazy on the name.  All I know is he was a Republican senator from Colorado.

MI: Colorado doesn’t have a Republican senator. He must have been a Democrat.

KG: No. You must be mistaken. A Democrat would never do that.  Democrats have respect for women and female reproductive freedom. They aren’t part of the partisan war on women waged by Republicans.

MI: Yes. Of course.

KG: And another time a colleague brought me into his office.  I thought he was going to discuss a bill.  But instead he sat me on his couch and started pulling my dress up.  “Trust me” he kept saying.  “I’m a senator.”  Well he had me.  I was taken against my will and violated sexually.

MI: Who was this?

KG: I don’t remember. He was a Republican from Connecticut.

MI: Again, Connecticut doesn’t have a Republican senator. He must have been a Democrat.

KG: Isn’t that just like right-wing bloggers such as yourself.  Always trying to make partisan points instead of talking about the important things, like Republicans and their medieval attitude towards women. It’s a war.  They want all woman barefoot, pregnant and tied to the stove.

MI: I don’t think  that is quite accurate.

KG: Oh and I almost forgot. One time a senator said I looked “chipper.”

MI: Chipper?  Is that all?

KG: Yes but it’s the deeper meaning of chipper that bothers me. He called me chipper because he didn’t think of me as an equal.

MI: Right. I suppose you don’t know who this was either?

KG: Oh yes I know who it was.  It was Marco Rubio.  A Republican.

MI: Right.

KG: So typical of Republicans.

MI: Well that’s about all the questions I have time for.  

KG: Are you dismissing me?

MI: Um, well, I guess you could say that.  The interview’s over.

[Gillibrand starts yelling.]

KG: You Republicans are all alike.  You use women and toss them aside.

MI:  Jesus all that’s happening is the interview is over.

[Gillibrand starts to unbutton her blouse.]

KG: I’m going to have to sleep with you aren’t I?  I am tired of being used by right-wingers!

MI: Right  Bye.

KG: Please. Please. I beg you. Don’t leave me.

And that was the interview.  The bitch is crazy.

(676)

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11 Sep 14

Your 2014 Yankees: The He Might Be Usher Edition

“Baseball is the only place where a sacrifice is really appreciated” ~ Unknown

photo (27)

No 9/11 post today.

I am sick of 9/11.  I am sick of how our oversocialized, guilt-ridden left uses it as a “teachable moment” to discuss white privilege and the historical sins of America.

I am sick of 9/11 being used as an example of “tolerance.”  Let’s not forget, please have Muslim Imams at all prayer services.  Anything else would be racist you hick, hateful Americans.

I’m sick of the permanent police state that has risen up in the wake of 9/11.

I’m sick of how the two worst Presidents in American history (Bush 43 and Barack “Drone Strike” Obama) have destroyed in 13 years what it took their predecessors 225 years to build.

Bin Ladin won.  America died on 9/11.

So instead I will talk about the Yankee game I went to last night.

Ah, baseball.  The American game.  Played mostly by Dominicans, Venezuelans and those filthy foreigners, the Japanese.

On a late September evening I found myself in the Bronx to watch the Yankees (ain’t making the playoffs) struggle against the Tampa Bay Rays.  The Yankees started Chris (Who? No he’s on first) Capuano (2-3 4.90) and the Rays Jake Odorizzi (10-12 4.08).

Last Friday’s game was a brisk 2 1/2 game the way baseball is supposed to be played.  1-0. Two pitchers used.  Wednesday’s game was modern baseball.  Four hours and 11 pitchers.

Yankee starting pitcher Capuano lasted only a third of an inning. After a leadoff single to Ben Zobrist, Evan Longoria walked.  Will Myers then doubled home Zobrist.  After a walk to James Loney Yuniel Escobar singled home Longoria.  Logan Forsythe then singled home Loney. Capuano was replaced by Chase Whitley.  Ryan Hanigan then hit a sacrifice fly to left field scoring Loney.  4-0 Tampa Bay after half an inning.

The Yankees got a run back in the bottom of the first when on an 0-2 pitch Brian McCann homered to right field.  4-1 Tampa after one.

In the bottom of the third the Yankees scored twice.  A leadoff single by left fielder Chris Young was followed by a walk to Jacoby Ellsbury and Young reached third on catcher Ryan Hannigan’s throwing error. Brian McCann then singled home Young and Ellsbury.  4-3 Tampa after three.

In the bottom of the fourth the Yankees scored when Chris Young homered to left field.  4-4 after four innings.

In the fifth the Yankees took the lead for good when after Brian McCann was hit by a pitch, Mark Teixeira (yes, that Mark Teixeira) tripled home McCann. Chase Headley then singled home Teixera.  6-4 Yankees after five.

A pair of doubles in the eighth scored Chase Headley and Ichiro Suzuki.  The Rays got a run in the top of the ninth when Evan Longoria hit his 20th home run.

Final score:  Yankees 8 Tampa Bay 5. Preston Claiborne (3-0 3.20) got the win for the Yankees and Odorizzi was charged with the loss for the Rays.

Notes on the game:

Your humble blogger was in his usual seat in the bleachers sitting next to someone who may or may not have been popular singer Usher.

This man may or may not have been in the bleachers

This man may or may not have been in the bleachers

Why he may have been Usher?  He was signing autographs and was with a white chick.

Why he may not have been Usher?  He was sitting in the bleachers. If it were really Usher he’d be snorting cocaine of a hooker’s ass in a luxury box seat.

The Derek “Automatic Out” Jeter retirement tour continued.  He went 0-4.

Last Friday it was annoying drunk girl who sat next to me.  Last night it was annoying fat kid.

The stages of annoying fat kid:

  1. Soft drinks
  2. More soft drinks
  3. Foot long hot dogs
  4. A tub of fries and sliders
  5. Burping
  6. Candy
  7. Burping

The Manhattan Infidel heckle of the game:

My heckle of “Life is a misery.  Death an uncertainty.  Or is it true that death will cut off and put an end to all care and all feeling? “ didn’t fire up the crowd.  Libertines!

Reader mail:

A.P of Poughkeepsie writes, “Taxes are a misery.”

Teabagger!  It is your duty to pay your fair share.

L.K of New Jersey writes, “My new tattoo is causing me misery.”

Well the scrotum is naturally sensitive son.  Perhaps you should consider getting your next tattoo on your arm.

Someone who calls herself L.T. of New York writes, “Being outbid on a Beatles guitar is misery.”

Not being outbid on Pete Best. Now that’s misery.

My record this year stands at 5-8.  My next game is Saturday September 20th against the Toronto Blue Jays.

Go Yankees!

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10 Sep 14

Lee Harvey Oswald for President 2016!

Lee Harvey Oswald is the best candidate for President in 2016.

Lee Harvey Oswald is the best candidate for President in 2016.

Being a member of the MSM it is my job to do whatever I can to help the Democratic Party.  As such I have spent the past few weeks evaluating the Democratic candidates for President and have found all them lacking.

Elizabeth Warren?  Attractive with impeccable socialist credentials.  As a native American she will add another constituency of color for the Democrats.  However she’s from Massachusetts and as such probably roots for the Red Sox.  And Manhattan Infidel cannot bring himself to vote for someone who roots for the Red Sox.

Hillary Clinton?  She has a long record of service to our country as First Lady, senator and Secretary of State. And as lesbian she will consolidate the Democratic Party’s hold on the anti penis-in-vagina sex folk.  However she’s not hot and non hot females should be ignored.

So who does that leave is with?  In my opinion there is only one candidate that the Democratic Party can unite around:  Lee Harvey Oswald.

For starters, Lee Harvey Oswald served honorably in the Marine Corp.

Lee Harvey Oswald, proud military man.

Lee Harvey Oswald, proud military man.

By nominating him the Democrats will be able to do an end run around Republican criticism that Democrats are soft on defense.

After serving his country, Oswald vacationed in the Soviet Union for a few years.  Given his exposure in Russia (he even married a Russian woman), who better than Lee Harvey Oswald to “reset” relations between our two countries?  With tensions at a level not seen since the Cold War our country needs a man like Lee Harvey Oswald.

Lee Harvey Oswald is a socialist.  As a member of the Fair Play for Cuba committee he was ashamed of America’s reflexive and non-nuanced anti-communist stance. He was also arrested for his beliefs,

Lee Harvey Oswald for President

Lee Harvey Oswald for President

making him an community organizer familiar with civil disobedience.  May Lee Harvey Oswald organize us all into the socialist worker’s paradise.

As the owner of an assault rifle,

Private ownership of rifles is bad.

Private ownership of rifles is bad.

Oswald knew how dangerous it is to let the public own such weapons.  Only President Oswald will be able to help the Democrats ban private ownership of all guns.

Lee Harvey Oswald, military man.

Lee Harvey Oswald, resident of Russia.

Lee Harvey Oswald, community organizer and practitioner of civil disobedience.

Lee Harvey Oswald, gun owner.

Lee Harvey Oswald, socialist who successfully redistributed John Kennedy’s brain matter.

All these reasons and more make Lee Harvey Oswald the best choice for President in 2016.

Vote For Oswald.  He’s the man for America!

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9 Sep 14

Government Nationalizes Burger King!

This company used to be evil. Now the government owns it.

This company used to be evil. Now the government owns it.

With the stroke of his pen, President Obama today ordered the nationalization of all Burger King restaurants in the United States as well as any and all profit Burger King may make.

“This is a great day for America” beamed the President in his stylish tan suit.

No longer will private companies be allowed to avoid paying their fair share of taxes. This decision of Burger King to buy the Canadian doughnut chain Tim Horton’s and move to Canada was nothing more than a sordid tax dodge.  I have stopped this. Congress wouldn’t act so I did.  I have a pen.  I used my pen.  Let this be a lesson to other private companies who might be considering the same thing.  In America you answer to the government. You cannot make decisions that adversely affect the people.  That’s not how America works.

Since the news broke that Burger King would move its offices to Canada Washington has felt the need to act.

“We can’t let this company betray the people like this” said senate Majority leader Harry Reid (D-Nev).

What they are doing is wrong. Morally wrong and fiscally wrong.  They say their taxes are too high and that they are just trying to maximize profit? Isn’t that the same thing all tyrants have said throughout the ages? “We must do this to make more money?”  What is money?  Money is the root of all evil.  This so-called corporation is guilty of having a deficit of economic patriotism.  The American people have spoken and the President, our leader, has acted.  This is a historic day. 

The moment President Obama issued the executive order, all Burger King employees became government employees with full government benefits.

As a government-run institution, Burger King will now have to modify its menu to comply with strict government health standards.  Condiments will no longer be allowed at Burger King restaurants.

“Ketchup makes black people fat” said Reid.

Who knows.  If Michael Brown had less ketchup in his diet perhaps he would be still alive and legally buying cigars at grocery stores in Ferguson.

Also more emphasis will now be placed in Burger King’s advertisements on their salads.  But this does not mean those who like their burgers should be alarmed.

“Don’t worry” said President Obama.

If you like your whopper you can keep your whopper.  Nothing will change.  Except that Americans who eat at Burger King will have to answer a few simple questions such as what do you weigh, should you be eating a burger at your weight and wouldn’t you rather have a salad.  I’m surprised Republicans are against this. Do they deny that obesity is an epidemic in America?

Still others are suspicious of President Obama’s actions.

“Everybody knows Mrs. Obama is behind this” said a congressman on Capitol Hill.

She loves Burger King and sneaks out of the White House every night to get to a store.  The Secret Service has to open the Burger King and cook her whopper. She’s just trying to make sure that whoppers will always be available to her.

U.S. citizens will have until March 31, 2015 to sign up at a Burger King exchange or face a fine.

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8 Sep 14

Your 2014 Yankees (The Annoying Drunk Girl Edition)

“The thought of death is peppermint to you/when games begin with patriotic song/and a democratic sun beats broadly down” ~ John Updike

The Yankees take batting practice before the game

The Yankees take batting practice before the game

On a steamy Friday night in the Bronx, the Yankees, having just won two out of three against the Red Sox welcomed the Kansas City Athletics Royals to town.  The Yankees started Michael Pineda (3-4 1.80) and the Royals James Shields (13-7 3.23).

It was a pitcher’s duel all the way.  Kansas City scored the only run of the game (unearned at that) when in the top of the third yesterday’s hero for the Yankees Chase Headley committed an error and let a routine ground ball from Alcides Escobar go under his glove.  Escobar ended up on second base.  The next batter, Nori Aoki, on an 0-1 pitched singled home Escobar.  1-0 Royals after 2 1/3.

And that was the final score.  Pineda lasted seven innings giving up 3 hits and one run (unearned) while striking out four.  Shields went 8 1/3 innings giving up three hits, no runs and striking out six.

Not much to talk about in this game other than the great pitching performances by both pitchers. Pineda is proving that if his arm stays healthy he can be a dominant pitcher even without globs of pine tar liberally applied to his neck.

This game was actually the way baseball was meant to be played.  Two dominant pitching performances. Neither manager was tempted to use six pitchers.  The game was only two and a half hours instead of the mandatory 3 1/2 to 4 hours.  (A relief to say the least.)

The Yankees are now 4 1/2 games out of the second wild card position.  Despite this, and Derek Jeter’s “Farewell Tour”, attendance was only 36 thousand.  Baseball is in trouble and the changes brought about by Selig have done nothing but delay the inevitable.

Manhattan Infidel’s suggestions to save baseball:

Eliminate the second wildcard.

Make the League championship series a best of five again.

Make the division series a best of three.

Eliminate interleague play.

Eliminate the pitch count.  Let pitchers pitch until their arms fall off. You don’t train for a marathon by running less.  You run more and build up your body.  The same should apply to pitchers.  Have them pitch more innings to build up the arm.  And yet baseball “experts” are talking of going to six man rotations.

Eliminate between innings entertainment and loud music blasted from speakers.

Eliminate mascots.

Eliminate the Designated Hitter.  Eliminate the Designated Hitter.  Eliminate the Designated Hitter.  This cannot be stressed enough.  When this was introduced in 1973 the rot set in.

Eliminate 800 dollar box seats behind home plate with special menus and delivery service of your food. You want a hot dog?  This is America and get it the way a citizen of a Republic should: Wait for the hot dog man to come around or get your privileged ass on the concession line and wait your turn.

Baseball is the most unique game.  No clock.  Played on a diamond in a park, not a gridiron in a stadium.  It is the most perfect game for summer. Baseball was made for lazy Sunday afternoons or evenings in July and August.  With the heat and humidity life slows down. Baseball reflects this. (Or it should.) Let people relax in the stands, sip a beer, have a hot dog and watch a game.

Baseball is the most overmanaged, overanalyzed game ever.  Announcers talk too much.  Shut up will you. Managers manage too much.  Get rid of your clipboards.  As it was said in Bull Durham: “This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains.”

Here ends my rant on how to save baseball.

Notes on the game:

Today the Yankees celebrated Hispanic heritage month.  The first 10,000 Hispanics to gain entry illegally to Yankee Stadium were granted amnesty.  It’s called compassionate conservatism.

The Derek “automatic out”  Jeter farewell tour continues.  His first two times up he swung at the first pitch and grounded out.  His third time up he actually took some pitches and waited until the count was 3-2 before grounding out.  He finally got a single in the bottom of the ninth and stole second but was stranded as Brett Gardner and Carlos Beltran struck out to end the game.  (Beltran struck out looking.  Met fans will be familiar with this.)

Will the Yankees make the playoffs?  No. Why?  Mark Teixeira and Derek Jeter.  Tex is batting .220 and is washed up.  We are stuck with him for two more years.  Jeter is a future hall of famer and one of the greatest.  But move him down in the lineup. He’s killing us in the two-hole.

During the game a very annoying drunk girl sat down next to me.  She put her arm around me and said “I like you. You’re my friend.”  She then took a photo of me to put on facebook.  At various intervals during the game she kept telling me how much she liked me and during the playing of YMCA after the sixth inning got up and grinded her ass in my face.

Fortunately she didn’t throw up on me.  I was waiting for the projectile vomiting but that never happened.  I was also waiting for her to morph into shitfaced, jabbering, snarling brute drunk girl.  Luckily for me by the time the game ended she was merely at the silent, sobbing, sad drunk girl phase.

The Stages of Drunk Girl:

  1. Happy
  2. Very happy
  3. Touchy feely
  4. Touchy feely and promiscuous
  5. Silent and sad
  6. Weeping
  7. Shitfaced, jabbering, snarling brute
  8. Hungover and oh-by-the-way-I-have-herpes

May drunk girl stick to going to Jets games.

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of “Da mihi castitatem et continentiam, sed noli modo (Give me chastity and continence, but not just yet)!” didn’t fire up the crowd. Maybe they didn’t know Latin.

Reader mail:

L.K. of New Jersey writes “Continence and Chastity?  Aren’t they the children of Sonny and Cher?”

Son, you’re bothering me.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes “Continence and chastity?  Is this part of Governor Cuomo’s so-called ‘Safe Act?’ “

So-called Governor Cuomo is a fascist pig and should be voted out of office, never again to be trusted by Americans with power.

Someone known as L.T. of New York writes, “Continence and chastity? Are those collectibles?”

Um. Yes.  Can you buy some for me.  I’ll add them to my Beatles collection.

My record this year stands at  4-8. My next game is Wednesday September 10th against the Tampa Bay Rays.

Go Yankees!

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5 Sep 14

Horoscope Time! (The Rudimentary Lathe Edition)

Obey your horoscope or suffer the consequences!

Have you considered the many benefits of constructing a rudimentary lathe?

Here at the Worldwide Headquarters™ of Manhattan Infidel we are taking a break from the depressing world of politics to recharge our batteries.  And what better way to do that than to present yet another horoscope.

Horoscope valid in continental United States only.  Do not read horoscope if you are taking nitrates for chest pain as it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure.  Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough before reading a horoscope.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

You don’t have to push yourself every  moment of every day.  But you probably should push yourself now.  I mean run.  You are surrounded by ISIS terrorists who want to cut your head off.  And don’t hope to die a martyr.  Unless you are a member of the press President Obama will make no mention of your beheading.  You probably deserved it anyway you Christian! Your lucky number is eight.  Unless you are about to be beheaded, in which case you don’t have a lucky number.

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

No. You are not a failure.  Unless you have been captured with an Aries by ISIS terrorists and are about to be filmed having your head cut off.  In which case, yes, you probably are a failure. Serves you right for being a Christian.  At least you will die knowing your head was cut off by a practitioner of the religion of peace.™  Your lucky number is eight.  Yes, we were originally going to give that number to an Aries but he’s been beheaded.  So take it.

Gemini (May 22-June 21)

Do whatever it takes to get along with people this week. If you have to, convert to Islam and turn in an Aries Christian.  Better he get his head cut off and not you.  Oh, and better not be a woman.  Sure you have a pretty head but what good will that do you after you have been genitally mutilated?  Your lucky number is three.  Unless you are a woman. What good would it do giving you a lucky number.  It would just confuse you.  Math is hard after all.

Cancer (June 22-July 23)

If you are a typical Cancerian you are probably too modest to push your way to the front of the line.  Which in this case is a good idea since you are in a line with other captured Christians about to be beheaded.  Hopefully you are in the back of the line.  This will give you enough time to think of an escape plan.  Look around you.  Can you build a rudimentary lathe? What’s a lathe you ask?  Google it on your iPhone while you wait to be beheaded. Your lucky number is Pi.

Leo (July 24-Aug 23)

Follow your instincts.  Especially if your instincts are telling you to join a Gemini in ratting out an Aries.  Better the Aries gets beheaded and not you.  While you are hiding out try to construct a rudimentary lathe. What?  What do you mean “What’s a lathe?”  Do I have to tell you people everything?  Steal a Cancer’s iPhone and look it up you ignorant swine.

Virgo (August 24-September 23)

Your emotions run deeper than you like to admit.  Which is why you are crying right now.  You don’t want to be beheaded with the other Christians.  Serves you right for not building that rudimentary lathe when you had the chance. You and Leos deserve to die.  I’m not even going to tell you what your lucky number is because you don’t deserve one.  Quit crying you disgust me.

Libra (September 24-October 23)

Put yourself in a loved one’s hands.  Unless that loved one is a Leo or a Gemini. They will rat you out in a second. Have fun being beheaded. I’m not going to ask you if you built a rudimentary lathe since I already know the answer to that.  What the hell is wrong with you people?  Your lucky number is a zero, just like you.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

With Mars transitioning the career area of your chart you will be even more ambitious than you usually are  So convert to Islam. Rat out an Aries.  Cut his head off.  I bet you’ve even built a rudimentary lathe you go-getter!  Just don’t tell your fellow Muslims about your lathe.  They mistrust technology.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

You may be outgoing by nature but you still tend to hold back a bit emotionally.  That is why you will not cry on the video showing you being beheaded. You are a mystery and no one knows what your final thoughts are.  Perhaps you are lamenting the fact that you didn’t steal Scorpio’s lathe? Your lucky number is also a mystery.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

What is right for you might not be right for someone else.  In other words it’s okay for them to be beheaded but not you. I’m not going to ask you if you built a rudimentary lathe to escape since I know you already have.  What?  You haven’t?  You were too busy watching porn?  I hope it was at least Asian porn? It wasn’t?  Then you have wasted your time.  Your lucky number is go f*ck yourself.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

It’s good that you are not afraid to articulate what you believe.  But telling your captors that you can’t be beheaded because you built a rudimentary lathe is not a good idea.  In fact everybody now hates you because you have alerted ISIS to our superior lathe technology. Soon they will reverse engineer a rudimentary lathe and conquer the world!  Thanks again asshole.  I”m not going to give you your lucky number since you don’t deserve one.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

You may feel that you can take on the world and win.  Why is this?  Have you constructed a lathe?  You haven’t?  Then your optimism is misplaced.  May you be the last person on the beheading line and may the sword the ISIS member is using be very, very dull.  May it take a few passes to separate your head from your torso. All rudimentary lathe haters deserve to die. Your lucky number is “Oh god I can feel my head being cut off!  I thought I was supposed to lose consciousness.  I can feel every back and forth motion of the sword cutting deeper and deeper into my flesh.”

(1530)

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4 Sep 14

From the Manhattan Infidel Archives: Titanic Sunk by Iceberg Lettuce!

An iceberg lettuce just like this one sunk the Titanic.

An iceberg lettuce just like this one sunk the Titanic.

Since it is a slow day here at Manhattan Infidel I have reached back into the archives to present a story first reported on the pages of this blog back in 1912:

Dateline April 14, 1912:  Tragic News from The Atlantic.  Titanic Sunk by Iceberg Lettuce!

News comes to us over the wireless that the RMS Titanic was struck by iceberg lettuce approximately 375 miles south of Newfoundland and sunk.  Despite the fact that the North Atlantic at this time of year is known to have pack iceberg lettuce the Titanic was apparently steaming ahead at full speed when it struck the iceberg lettuce.

As to why the Titanic acted so recklessly despite receiving wireless reports of iceberg lettuce in the vicinity we at the Worldwide Headquarters™ of Manhattan Infidel can only speculate that perhaps Captain Smith, his mind warped by capitalism, felt that breaking a transatlantic speed record was more important than the lives of his passengers.  Or perhaps the Titanic, carrying meat-eating people of northern European origin purposely hit the iceberg lettuce in an attempt to damage a healthy green and a source of vitamin A and potassium.

If the cause was capitalism then the Worldwide Headquarters™ of Manhattan Infidel repeats its call for government redistribution of wealth.  If the United States can bring down the tycoons and fat cats and establish a perfect socialist system then perhaps tragedies such as this could be avoided in the future.

If the Titanic hit the iceberg lettuce on purpose we see this as confirmation that eating meat leads to wrath, anger and war-like behavior.  Indeed, socialism and vegetarianism go hand in hand.

When will our leaders in Washington correct our flawed constitution to address the behavior of American citizens?  For only by changing and controlling behavior can socialism be established. For true socialism is internal, of the heart and not external.

It is time for righteous anger against the capitalist meat eaters!  Reports from survivors aboard the RMS Carpathia tell of passengers in the cold north Atlantic clutching at pieces of iceberg lettuce and screaming “I’m drowning. I’m cold and I’m drowning.  But at least I can eat this lettuce and drown healthy!”

We here at Manhattan Infidel sympathize with the potential vegetarians as they were sacrificed to the interests of capitalistic meat eaters.  Our eyes well with tears as we think of hundreds of passengers waiting to die in the cold ocean, comforted only by green, healthy lettuce.  Our only hope is that their final moments were comforted by thoughts of socialism and vegetarianism.

We hope that this tragedy will further the cause of peace, socialism and veganism throughout the world.

***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Update Update Update Update Update Update Update Update Update Update

***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

It turns out our initial reporting on this tragedy was faulty.  The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, not iceberg lettuce.  We apologize for this error and remind our readers that icebergs are caused by the scourge of climate change.

As you can see, the reporting at the Worldwide Headquarters™ of Manhattan Infidel was just as accurate then as it is now.

(469)

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Filed in The dark side of popular culture
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3 Sep 14

My Exclusive Interview with Cee Lo Green

If youse aint awake it aint rape

If youse aint awake it aint rape

Today at Manhattan Infidel it is my pleasure to interview one half of the hip hop group Gnarls Barkley and one of the hosts of “The Voice” currently seen on NBC, Cee Lo Green.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Green.

CLG: Let’s make this quick honky.  I got stuff to do.

MI: Um.  Okay.  Let’s start off with the recent controversy surrounding your comments on rape.  You were convicted of felony ecstasy possession and you were accused of giving ecstasy to a woman you had sex with.

CLG: Yeah I gave the bitch some of my stuff.  Bitch never thanked me for it.  What of it?

MI: You tweeted that it wasn’t rape since the victim was not awake.  Let me read your tweet for you: “If someone is passed out they’re not even WITH you consciously.  With implies consent.”  And there is another tweet of yours that says “People who have been raped REMEMBER.”

CLG: So. What’s your point?

MI: Do you honestly expect people to believe that because the women you had sex with was asleep that it wasn’t rape?

CLG: Yes I do.  What’s the big deal?  All the woman I have sex with are asleep.

MI: What?

CLG: Word. I’m on The Voice with Christina Aguilera.  She is fine.  I want to f*ck her.  But she’s always awake and her bodyguards won’t let me into her hotel room when she’s sleeping.  I’m gonna give her some ecstasy and see if that makes her sleepy.

MI: So ALL of the women you have sex with are asleep?

CLG: Yeah.  Cee Lo’s sensitive about the size of his manhood.  When bitch is asleep bitch can’t make fun of it.

MI: I don’t know what to say.

CLG: Cee Lo’s got a tiny member.  It’s tiny!  Cee Lo cries a lot because it’s tiny.

MI: Um.

CLG: Would you like to see it?

MI: No thanks.

CLG: Oh come on baby.  Let Cee Lo stick it in your face.

MI: I’m going to go now.

CLG: Let Cee Lo stick it in your face. Why won’t you let Cee Lo stick it in your face. Are you going to laugh at my tiny d*ck? Don’t laugh.  Cee Lo is ashamed when he cries.

MI: Um, I – 

CLG: It’s because you are awake. Just like all those bitch women.  Go to sleep bitch.

MI: I’m leaving now.

CLG: Wait.  Come back.  I want to give you my political opinions.  I want to talk about the Republicans and their war on women!  Come back!

That was certainly a strange interview.  It took a lot of of me.  I’m very sleepy.  Wait.  Ah f*ck he put something in my drink!

(634)

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2 Sep 14

ISIS Beheads Hebrew National Franks!

Death to the zionist meat by-product!

Death to the Zionist meat by-product!

ISIS continued its reign of terror through the heartland of Iraq today when a bag of Hebrew National Franks was captured and beheaded in front of cheering militia.

“Today the Zionist pig meat by-product will feel the power of the prophet” declared an ISIS member holding a sword.

For too long we have let the Zionists destroy the purity of the caliphate.  Let this be a warning to all hot dogs.  We will not hesitate to execute them!

And with that short declaration the Hebrew National Franks were held up to the camera and brutally sliced in two.

Reaction to the beheading of the hots dogs was swift, with many in congress calling upon President Obama to order air strikes over ISIS-held territory to ensure the safety of any Hebrew National Franks left remaining.

John McCain (R – Arizona) called for a sustained campaign.

Have we learned nothing from history?  The savage killing of these Hebrew Franks, on the Sabbath no less, calls to mind the atrocities committed by Hitler.  Let us in the United States stand behind our Hebrew meat by-product allies and say “Genocide never again!”

As pressure mounted on the U.S. to respond, President Obama held an impromptu press conference on a golf course in Martha’s Vineyard.

I have seen the video of the cutting in two of the Hebrew meat by-product.  Let me be perfectly clear.  An attack on Hebrew National Franks is an attack on the interests of the United States.  We will not stand by and let this happen.  And as soon as I finish my round of golf I intend to start another round of golf.  But the entire time I will be thinking of and sympathizing with Hebrew National Franks.

With the threat of an all out war of annihilation against all Hebrew meat by-products, the United Nations Security Council met and condemned Israel for Zionist meat by-product aggression against the Arab peoples.

“As long as Israel holds Palestinian territory Hebrew National Franks will be at risk” said Ban Ki-moon, the UN Secretary General.

The people of Israel have brought this atrocity upon themselves.  We once again ask that the Zionist state remove back to its 1967 borders and commit itself to the peace process with Hamas.

Joey Chestnut, winner of the July 4th hot dog eating contest at Coney Island declared his intent to never eat another hot dog until Israel recognizes the right of the Palestinians to their own state.

I never realized before when I was gulping down hot dogs at these contests that I was supporting Zionism.  I now know that eating hot dogs is wrong.  I ask the Muslim world to forgive me.

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry again called for a two state hot dog solution.

Half the hot dogs can be called Hebrew National Franks. The other half can be called Palestinian National Franks.  Only by doing this can peace be restored.

Israeli Prime Minister Bejamin Netanyahu rejected Kerry’s demand.

What the hell’s wrong with people? These are just damn hot dogs.  Despite the name they have nothing to do with Israel.

From Hollywood Penelope Cruz and her husband Javier Bardem announced that they will no longer visit Israel to promote their movies.

By their actions Israel has proven that they don’t care about peace.  How many more meat by-products must be beheaded to satisfy Jewish war lust?

Meanwhile in Iraq ISIS has declared its intent to purge the caliphate of all Hebrew National Franks.

“It’s what the prophet would want” said one.

(909)

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