Here at the Worldwide Headquarters™ of Manhattan Infidel we are taking a break from the depressing world of politics to recharge our batteries. And what better way to do that than to present yet another horoscope.
Horoscope valid in continental United States only. Do not read horoscope if you are taking nitrates for chest pain as it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure. Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough before reading a horoscope.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)
You don’t have to push yourself every moment of every day. But you probably should push yourself now. I mean run. You are surrounded by ISIS terrorists who want to cut your head off. And don’t hope to die a martyr. Unless you are a member of the press President Obama will make no mention of your beheading. You probably deserved it anyway you Christian! Your lucky number is eight. Unless you are about to be beheaded, in which case you don’t have a lucky number.
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)
No. You are not a failure. Unless you have been captured with an Aries by ISIS terrorists and are about to be filmed having your head cut off. In which case, yes, you probably are a failure. Serves you right for being a Christian. At least you will die knowing your head was cut off by a practitioner of the religion of peace.™ Your lucky number is eight. Yes, we were originally going to give that number to an Aries but he’s been beheaded. So take it.
Gemini (May 22-June 21)
Do whatever it takes to get along with people this week. If you have to, convert to Islam and turn in an Aries Christian. Better he get his head cut off and not you. Oh, and better not be a woman. Sure you have a pretty head but what good will that do you after you have been genitally mutilated? Your lucky number is three. Unless you are a woman. What good would it do giving you a lucky number. It would just confuse you. Math is hard after all.
Cancer (June 22-July 23)
If you are a typical Cancerian you are probably too modest to push your way to the front of the line. Which in this case is a good idea since you are in a line with other captured Christians about to be beheaded. Hopefully you are in the back of the line. This will give you enough time to think of an escape plan. Look around you. Can you build a rudimentary lathe? What’s a lathe you ask? Google it on your iPhone while you wait to be beheaded. Your lucky number is Pi.
Leo (July 24-Aug 23)
Follow your instincts. Especially if your instincts are telling you to join a Gemini in ratting out an Aries. Better the Aries gets beheaded and not you. While you are hiding out try to construct a rudimentary lathe. What? What do you mean “What’s a lathe?” Do I have to tell you people everything? Steal a Cancer’s iPhone and look it up you ignorant swine.
Virgo (August 24-September 23)
Your emotions run deeper than you like to admit. Which is why you are crying right now. You don’t want to be beheaded with the other Christians. Serves you right for not building that rudimentary lathe when you had the chance. You and Leos deserve to die. I’m not even going to tell you what your lucky number is because you don’t deserve one. Quit crying you disgust me.
Libra (September 24-October 23)
Put yourself in a loved one’s hands. Unless that loved one is a Leo or a Gemini. They will rat you out in a second. Have fun being beheaded. I’m not going to ask you if you built a rudimentary lathe since I already know the answer to that. What the hell is wrong with you people? Your lucky number is a zero, just like you.
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)
With Mars transitioning the career area of your chart you will be even more ambitious than you usually are So convert to Islam. Rat out an Aries. Cut his head off. I bet you’ve even built a rudimentary lathe you go-getter! Just don’t tell your fellow Muslims about your lathe. They mistrust technology.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)
You may be outgoing by nature but you still tend to hold back a bit emotionally. That is why you will not cry on the video showing you being beheaded. You are a mystery and no one knows what your final thoughts are. Perhaps you are lamenting the fact that you didn’t steal Scorpio’s lathe? Your lucky number is also a mystery.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)
What is right for you might not be right for someone else. In other words it’s okay for them to be beheaded but not you. I’m not going to ask you if you built a rudimentary lathe to escape since I know you already have. What? You haven’t? You were too busy watching porn? I hope it was at least Asian porn? It wasn’t? Then you have wasted your time. Your lucky number is go f*ck yourself.
Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)
It’s good that you are not afraid to articulate what you believe. But telling your captors that you can’t be beheaded because you built a rudimentary lathe is not a good idea. In fact everybody now hates you because you have alerted ISIS to our superior lathe technology. Soon they will reverse engineer a rudimentary lathe and conquer the world! Thanks again asshole. I”m not going to give you your lucky number since you don’t deserve one.
Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)
You may feel that you can take on the world and win. Why is this? Have you constructed a lathe? You haven’t? Then your optimism is misplaced. May you be the last person on the beheading line and may the sword the ISIS member is using be very, very dull. May it take a few passes to separate your head from your torso. All rudimentary lathe haters deserve to die. Your lucky number is “Oh god I can feel my head being cut off! I thought I was supposed to lose consciousness. I can feel every back and forth motion of the sword cutting deeper and deeper into my flesh.”