Your 2014 Yankees (The Annoying Drunk Girl Edition)

“The thought of death is peppermint to you/when games begin with patriotic song/and a democratic sun beats broadly down” ~ John Updike

The Yankees take batting practice before the game

The Yankees take batting practice before the game

On a steamy Friday night in the Bronx, the Yankees, having just won two out of three against the Red Sox welcomed the Kansas City Athletics Royals to town.  The Yankees started Michael Pineda (3-4 1.80) and the Royals James Shields (13-7 3.23).

It was a pitcher’s duel all the way.  Kansas City scored the only run of the game (unearned at that) when in the top of the third yesterday’s hero for the Yankees Chase Headley committed an error and let a routine ground ball from Alcides Escobar go under his glove.  Escobar ended up on second base.  The next batter, Nori Aoki, on an 0-1 pitched singled home Escobar.  1-0 Royals after 2 1/3.

And that was the final score.  Pineda lasted seven innings giving up 3 hits and one run (unearned) while striking out four.  Shields went 8 1/3 innings giving up three hits, no runs and striking out six.

Not much to talk about in this game other than the great pitching performances by both pitchers. Pineda is proving that if his arm stays healthy he can be a dominant pitcher even without globs of pine tar liberally applied to his neck.

This game was actually the way baseball was meant to be played.  Two dominant pitching performances. Neither manager was tempted to use six pitchers.  The game was only two and a half hours instead of the mandatory 3 1/2 to 4 hours.  (A relief to say the least.)

The Yankees are now 4 1/2 games out of the second wild card position.  Despite this, and Derek Jeter’s “Farewell Tour”, attendance was only 36 thousand.  Baseball is in trouble and the changes brought about by Selig have done nothing but delay the inevitable.

Manhattan Infidel’s suggestions to save baseball:

Eliminate the second wildcard.

Make the League championship series a best of five again.

Make the division series a best of three.

Eliminate interleague play.

Eliminate the pitch count.  Let pitchers pitch until their arms fall off. You don’t train for a marathon by running less.  You run more and build up your body.  The same should apply to pitchers.  Have them pitch more innings to build up the arm.  And yet baseball “experts” are talking of going to six man rotations.

Eliminate between innings entertainment and loud music blasted from speakers.

Eliminate mascots.

Eliminate the Designated Hitter.  Eliminate the Designated Hitter.  Eliminate the Designated Hitter.  This cannot be stressed enough.  When this was introduced in 1973 the rot set in.

Eliminate 800 dollar box seats behind home plate with special menus and delivery service of your food. You want a hot dog?  This is America and get it the way a citizen of a Republic should: Wait for the hot dog man to come around or get your privileged ass on the concession line and wait your turn.

Baseball is the most unique game.  No clock.  Played on a diamond in a park, not a gridiron in a stadium.  It is the most perfect game for summer. Baseball was made for lazy Sunday afternoons or evenings in July and August.  With the heat and humidity life slows down. Baseball reflects this. (Or it should.) Let people relax in the stands, sip a beer, have a hot dog and watch a game.

Baseball is the most overmanaged, overanalyzed game ever.  Announcers talk too much.  Shut up will you. Managers manage too much.  Get rid of your clipboards.  As it was said in Bull Durham: “This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains.”

Here ends my rant on how to save baseball.

Notes on the game:

Today the Yankees celebrated Hispanic heritage month.  The first 10,000 Hispanics to gain entry illegally to Yankee Stadium were granted amnesty.  It’s called compassionate conservatism.

The Derek “automatic out”  Jeter farewell tour continues.  His first two times up he swung at the first pitch and grounded out.  His third time up he actually took some pitches and waited until the count was 3-2 before grounding out.  He finally got a single in the bottom of the ninth and stole second but was stranded as Brett Gardner and Carlos Beltran struck out to end the game.  (Beltran struck out looking.  Met fans will be familiar with this.)

Will the Yankees make the playoffs?  No. Why?  Mark Teixeira and Derek Jeter.  Tex is batting .220 and is washed up.  We are stuck with him for two more years.  Jeter is a future hall of famer and one of the greatest.  But move him down in the lineup. He’s killing us in the two-hole.

During the game a very annoying drunk girl sat down next to me.  She put her arm around me and said “I like you. You’re my friend.”  She then took a photo of me to put on facebook.  At various intervals during the game she kept telling me how much she liked me and during the playing of YMCA after the sixth inning got up and grinded her ass in my face.

Fortunately she didn’t throw up on me.  I was waiting for the projectile vomiting but that never happened.  I was also waiting for her to morph into shitfaced, jabbering, snarling brute drunk girl.  Luckily for me by the time the game ended she was merely at the silent, sobbing, sad drunk girl phase.

The Stages of Drunk Girl:

  1. Happy
  2. Very happy
  3. Touchy feely
  4. Touchy feely and promiscuous
  5. Silent and sad
  6. Weeping
  7. Shitfaced, jabbering, snarling brute
  8. Hungover and oh-by-the-way-I-have-herpes

May drunk girl stick to going to Jets games.

Best heckle of the game:

My heckle of “Da mihi castitatem et continentiam, sed noli modo (Give me chastity and continence, but not just yet)!” didn’t fire up the crowd. Maybe they didn’t know Latin.

Reader mail:

L.K. of New Jersey writes “Continence and Chastity?  Aren’t they the children of Sonny and Cher?”

Son, you’re bothering me.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes “Continence and chastity?  Is this part of Governor Cuomo’s so-called ‘Safe Act?’ “

So-called Governor Cuomo is a fascist pig and should be voted out of office, never again to be trusted by Americans with power.

Someone known as L.T. of New York writes, “Continence and chastity? Are those collectibles?”

Um. Yes.  Can you buy some for me.  I’ll add them to my Beatles collection.

My record this year stands at  4-8. My next game is Wednesday September 10th against the Tampa Bay Rays.

Go Yankees!



10 Responses

  1. I don’t know about your analogy of pitching and marathon running, but I agree with everything else you proposed. Maybe we bloggers can start a Manhatten Infidel for Baseball Commissioner campaign. You don’t have anything better to do, do you?

  2. innominatus says:

    Agree with your suggestions 100%. As if baseball wasn’t already over-analyzed to death, “they” keep coming up with new stats to make it worse and worse. WHIP? WAR? ERA+?

    Simple game should be left simple.

  3. petermc3 says:

    As a Met fan since 1962 I resemble your remark: The Mets suck on their own so butt out.
    As for the Jeters, I mean Yanks, the last time I attended and sat in my friend Mike’s 6th row 1st baseline seats, they had to carry my sleeping body out to the parking garage.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      I remember when the Mets used to own New York. I blame Doc Gooden’s coke habit for ruining the franchise. (Or maybe it was Carlos’ Delgado and Beltran.)

  4. petermc3 says:

    Yep, they sure did own New York. Pitching, pitching, pitching. In the 80’s the Mets won more games than any team in baseball yet managed to win only one World Series.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      Years ago (around 1991) I was having lunch in a diner in Chelsea in Manhattan and who would be eating at the booth next to me? Ron Darling and his wife and loud annoying brat child.

  5. petermc3 says:

    I wonder if he left a tip?

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>