Government Nationalizes Burger King!

This company used to be evil.  Now the government owns it.

This company used to be evil. Now the government owns it.

With the stroke of his pen, President Obama today ordered the nationalization of all Burger King restaurants in the United States as well as any and all profit Burger King may make.

“This is a great day for America” beamed the President in his stylish tan suit.

No longer will private companies be allowed to avoid paying their fair share of taxes. This decision of Burger King to buy the Canadian doughnut chain Tim Horton’s and move to Canada was nothing more than a sordid tax dodge.  I have stopped this. Congress wouldn’t act so I did.  I have a pen.  I used my pen.  Let this be a lesson to other private companies who might be considering the same thing.  In America you answer to the government. You cannot make decisions that adversely affect the people.  That’s not how America works.

Since the news broke that Burger King would move its offices to Canada Washington has felt the need to act.

“We can’t let this company betray the people like this” said senate Majority leader Harry Reid (D-Nev).

What they are doing is wrong. Morally wrong and fiscally wrong.  They say their taxes are too high and that they are just trying to maximize profit? Isn’t that the same thing all tyrants have said throughout the ages? “We must do this to make more money?”  What is money?  Money is the root of all evil.  This so-called corporation is guilty of having a deficit of economic patriotism.  The American people have spoken and the President, our leader, has acted.  This is a historic day. 

The moment President Obama issued the executive order, all Burger King employees became government employees with full government benefits.

As a government-run institution, Burger King will now have to modify its menu to comply with strict government health standards.  Condiments will no longer be allowed at Burger King restaurants.

“Ketchup makes black people fat” said Reid.

Who knows.  If Michael Brown had less ketchup in his diet perhaps he would be still alive and legally buying cigars at grocery stores in Ferguson.

Also more emphasis will now be placed in Burger King’s advertisements on their salads.  But this does not mean those who like their burgers should be alarmed.

“Don’t worry” said President Obama.

If you like your whopper you can keep your whopper.  Nothing will change.  Except that Americans who eat at Burger King will have to answer a few simple questions such as what do you weigh, should you be eating a burger at your weight and wouldn’t you rather have a salad.  I’m surprised Republicans are against this. Do they deny that obesity is an epidemic in America?

Still others are suspicious of President Obama’s actions.

“Everybody knows Mrs. Obama is behind this” said a congressman on Capitol Hill.

She loves Burger King and sneaks out of the White House every night to get to a store.  The Secret Service has to open the Burger King and cook her whopper. She’s just trying to make sure that whoppers will always be available to her.

U.S. citizens will have until March 31, 2015 to sign up at a Burger King exchange or face a fine.

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4 Comments

4 Responses

  1. Be a patriot! You canprove you are a patriot by becoming a slave to the federal government. You’llalso have to be a part-time slave to your state and local government too.

    Isn’t America great!

  2. petermc3 says:

    I’ii have it my way: I will pay the fine rather than eat a cardboard whopper.
    P.S. How does the EPA justify the polluting cow farts from the King’s herd?

  3. Matt says:

    I’m thinking the new menu will cause anal leakage. Also, the tag line will change to “Have it our way, or else!”

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