From the Manhattan Infidel Archives: Titanic Sunk by Iceberg Lettuce!

An iceberg lettuce just like this one sunk the Titanic.

An iceberg lettuce just like this one sunk the Titanic.

Since it is a slow day here at Manhattan Infidel I have reached back into the archives to present a story first reported on the pages of this blog back in 1912:

Dateline April 14, 1912:  Tragic News from The Atlantic.  Titanic Sunk by Iceberg Lettuce!

News comes to us over the wireless that the RMS Titanic was struck by iceberg lettuce approximately 375 miles south of Newfoundland and sunk.  Despite the fact that the North Atlantic at this time of year is known to have pack iceberg lettuce the Titanic was apparently steaming ahead at full speed when it struck the iceberg lettuce.

As to why the Titanic acted so recklessly despite receiving wireless reports of iceberg lettuce in the vicinity we at the Worldwide Headquarters™ of Manhattan Infidel can only speculate that perhaps Captain Smith, his mind warped by capitalism, felt that breaking a transatlantic speed record was more important than the lives of his passengers.  Or perhaps the Titanic, carrying meat-eating people of northern European origin purposely hit the iceberg lettuce in an attempt to damage a healthy green and a source of vitamin A and potassium.

If the cause was capitalism then the Worldwide Headquarters™ of Manhattan Infidel repeats its call for government redistribution of wealth.  If the United States can bring down the tycoons and fat cats and establish a perfect socialist system then perhaps tragedies such as this could be avoided in the future.

If the Titanic hit the iceberg lettuce on purpose we see this as confirmation that eating meat leads to wrath, anger and war-like behavior.  Indeed, socialism and vegetarianism go hand in hand.

When will our leaders in Washington correct our flawed constitution to address the behavior of American citizens?  For only by changing and controlling behavior can socialism be established. For true socialism is internal, of the heart and not external.

It is time for righteous anger against the capitalist meat eaters!  Reports from survivors aboard the RMS Carpathia tell of passengers in the cold north Atlantic clutching at pieces of iceberg lettuce and screaming “I’m drowning. I’m cold and I’m drowning.  But at least I can eat this lettuce and drown healthy!”

We here at Manhattan Infidel sympathize with the potential vegetarians as they were sacrificed to the interests of capitalistic meat eaters.  Our eyes well with tears as we think of hundreds of passengers waiting to die in the cold ocean, comforted only by green, healthy lettuce.  Our only hope is that their final moments were comforted by thoughts of socialism and vegetarianism.

We hope that this tragedy will further the cause of peace, socialism and veganism throughout the world.


Update Update Update Update Update Update Update Update Update Update


It turns out our initial reporting on this tragedy was faulty.  The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, not iceberg lettuce.  We apologize for this error and remind our readers that icebergs are caused by the scourge of climate change.

As you can see, the reporting at the Worldwide Headquarters™ of Manhattan Infidel was just as accurate then as it is now.


One Response

  1. Don’t worry! It was only the “tip” of an iceberg lettuce that got in your eye.

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