Nothing says “screwed” quite like Pete Best

Church and Dwight Company, manufacturer of Trojan Condoms, which account for 70.5 percent of all condom purchases in the United States, has announced an unprecedented and exclusive endorsement deal with former Beatles drummer Pete Best.

“This is certainly a historic occasion” said  an executive from Church and Dwight at a press conference announcing the deal.

We looked long and hard for a spokesman for our product and Pete is the person for us and we are the product for Pete.  We hope that this partnership will expand the Trojan brand and we will come into more homes.

As Best looked on Church and Dwight’s President explained why the two were a perfect fit.

Sex drugs and rock and roll. What kid doesn’t like that combination? We needed a rock star to cement the relationship.  We thought of hiring one or both of the two surviving Beatles but since they are actually Beatles they were too busy using our product to endorse it.  Then we considered Yoko but she tested as too masculine for our target audience.  Then we considered the surviving Monkees but again, being rock stars, they were out on tour using our product and were too busy to endorse it. So what did that leave us with?  It was either Pete Best or Bill Clinton and Clinton was too expensive. Fired just as the Beatles were about to become famous.  Spent his life eaking out a living while his former band mates became the biggest act on Earth.  Married to the same woman for 50 years while John, Paul and George had sex with more women than every player in the NBA combined.  For these reasons and more nothing says “screwed” quite like Pete Best.

As he finished his remarks the first special “Pete Best” condoms were distributed to waiting reporters.

Wrapped in the Union Jack with the phrase “Pete Best condoms:  When she wants you out and Ringo in” across the package the condoms will cost $12 dollars a pack.    Twenty percent of all proceeds from the sale of Pete Best condoms will go to fighting AIDS.

I know using the proceeds from sex to fund AIDS prevention probably doesn’t make any sense but hey, it makes us feel good about ourselves.

It was then that the man of the moment was brought forward to the microphones.

“I like to thank Church and Dwight for this opportunity” said Best.

You know when the Beatles fired me it was a tough break.  They didn’t even give me any explanation. I’m a better drummer than Ringo!  But I always knew that one day my time would come. And that time is now.

Church and Dwight’s president announced that if the Pete Best line of Trojans is successful they might consider expanding the Pete Best brand into diapers, anti-depressants and even a special “Pete Best Unemployment Office.” 

“The future is unlimited” said the President.

As the press conference broke up Best could be heard asking everyone, “What about food?  I came here because I was told there’d be food.”

Best was later seen rummaging through garbage cans in the parking lot.

(473)

Trust me I’m a scientist!

Today at Manhattan Infidel it is my distinct pleasure to welcome one of the greatest scientific minds of our time, host of PBS’s “Cosmos:  A Spacetime Odyssey” Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson.

MI: Welcome Dr. Tyson.  I’m a big fan.

NDGT: Naturally.  That’s to be expected.

MI: Um. What?

NDGT: Well naturally I would expect a person such as yourself to be a fan of someone better educated and knowledgeable such as myself.

MI: Right. So tell me, what exactly does science mean to you?

NDGT: Science is the study of the universe using observation.

MI: Well that sounds – 

NDGT:  I’m not finished.  Do not interrupt me.  I’m better educated.  Science is the study of the universe using observation.  Once we observe something we, as scientists, formulate laws.

MI: Based on the observations?

NDGT:  I said I wasn’t finished!  No. Not based on the observations.  The observations are merely used to prove our faith in science.

MI:  So you’re saying that you observe something to prove your beliefs?

NDGT: Yes.  As a member of the elite, science is my religion.  It’s a faith-based community of the better educated.  Think of it as Catholicism for those who don’t sit at home wearing wife beater t shirts while drinking cans of Schlitz.

MI: I’m not sure I follow.

NDGT: Of course you wouldn’t.  You’re not as intelligent as I am. In fact you don’t exist.

MI: What?  

NDGT: Nothing exists.  Matter is an illusion. The only thing that exists is myself.  My thoughts constitute reality.  I have thought of you so here you are.

MI: Right.  

NDGT:  If I don’t think of it, it doesn’t exist.  I could wish you out of existence at this very  moment.  Trust me.  I’m a scientist.

MI: You haven’t been taking your medication have you?

NDGT:  I am wishing you out of existence now!  There.  I’ve done it. I have wished you out of existence.

MI: I’m still here.

NDGT: I’m tired of playing with you.  Manhattan Infidel be dead. You be dead!

MI: Right.  I’m still here.

NDGT: No kids came over and played with me today.  Not a single one.  I wanted someone to play with!  I hate everybody that doesn’t like me.  They shouldn’t think bad thoughts about me or I’ll make them go on fire.

MI: What the hell are you talking about?

NDGT: Don’t interrupt me!  I am a scientist! Be nice to me or I’ll put  you in the cornfield!

MI: Yeah you’re a batshit insane scientist it seems to me.

NDGT: You’re a bad man.  You’re a very bad man Mr. Infidel and you keep thinking bad thoughts about me.  I’m going to wish you into the cornfield!

MI: I’m leaving now.

NDGT: You’re a bad man.  A very bad man!  I’m wishing you into – 

MI: Yes, yes, I know.  The cornfield.  

NDGT: Come back!  You’re a bad man!  I don’t like you!

MI:  Just turn out the lights when you leave will you?

NDGT: I am a scientist!  I invented the lightbulb.  Until I wished them all into the cornfield.

You know maybe we shouldn’t think so highly of scientists.

(509)

This man is angry. Very angry indeed.

Famed extra-terrestrial Marvin the Martian was ordered by a judge today to attend 200 hours of anger management counseling sessions after he once again threatened to destroy the Earth.

“Mr. Martian” said the judge at the sentencing.

I have listened to the testimony.  I have heard eyewitnesses describe how you planned to destroy the Earth with a, quote, “Earth-shattering kaboom” because it blocked your view of Venus.  You have admitted that you would do this if you could find your Illudium Q-36 explosive space modulater, which thank god has been banned by international treaty.  I cannot allow you to destroy our planet.  The destruction of Earth will have an adverse affect upon the environment and may lead to climate change.  So I hereby sentence you to 200 hours of counseling. This desire of yours to rid Earth bespeaks of your inner anger management issues. Hopefully the therapy sessions will help you.

As he left the courthouse Marvin was approached by reporters who asked him his response to the sentence.

“Anger management therapy sessions?” scoffed Mr. Martian.

Oh this makes me angry.  Very angry indeed!  All I wanted to do was get a better view of Venus.  I spent 2,000 years researching the exact formula for my Illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator.  And when I finally perfect it it is stolen by an Earth creature.  I think I have a right to be angry!  I want my Earth-shattering kaboom!

The court-appointed anger management therapist, Vanessa De LaRosa welcomes the opportunity to help Mr. Martian.

“I’ve had many celebrity clients in the past” she said.

Rock stars, actors, rock star actors, actors who want to be rock stars, rock stars who want to be actors, professional athletes, underworld figures, figure skaters, figure skaters who want to be underworld figures.  I’ve had them all. And I have helped them all. 

She then went on to describe her methods.

I try and find the root cause of the anger.  Did they have a happy childhood?  Do they have mother issues?  Is the sex life okay?  Because if it’s not that can lead to anger and they might do something desperate and shameful like starting a blog.  So I get them to talk to me.  Open up.  Discuss their feelings. You’d be surprised at my success rate. There is no anger that talking and positive reinforcement can’t help.  I hope to cure Mr. Martian of his desire to destroy the Earth with his explosive space modulator. And once we peel back the layers of anger I introduce my clients to yoga.  Yoga is incompatible with anger.

When informed that he would have to do yoga, Marvin the Martian expressed displeasure.

“Oh this makes me angry.  Very angry indeed!”

Mr. Martian’s therapy sessions will begin next week at the conclusion of which he will have to sign an affidavit promising not to destroy the Earth.

(617)

Football must become more sensitive or it will be banned!

Reacting to recent developments with NFL players and domestic violence, commissioner Roger Goodell implemented “Operation Sensitive” which took effect immediately.

“The NFL has heard the outrage of its critics” declared Goodell.

The NFL is a brand.  A brand that has entertained Americans with their game for decades.  But that is not enough anymore.  There is no room in the NFL for violence. On or off the field.  Under Operation Sensitive there will be a zero tolerance policy for aggression, be it micro-aggression or macro-aggression.

Goodell then announced some of the more important points of Operation Sensitive.

1. Cheerleaders will be replaced by feminist studies professors.  Instead of revealing outfits they shall wear pantsuits.  The feminist studies professors will watch from the sidelines and any egregious display of patriarchy will be penalized.
2. Scores will not be kept.  “I think we are all in agreement that the concept of a final score with a winner or a loser would affect the self-esteem of the losers and might lead to the winners going on a rampage of rape” said Goodell.
3. When attempting a pass the quarterback must alert the other team where and who he is going to throw the ball to, lest it be taken as a sign of micro-aggression.
4. Physical contact will not be allowed.  If players get a taste for physical contact this might continue off the field and lead to aggression against women.  In  place of tackling all helmets will be fitted with laser pointers.  If a running back is hit with the pointer he shall be declared down.
5. Under the old rules once a player has been deemed down a whistle would be blown signaling that the play is dead.  However under Operation Sensitive whistles could be construed as “patriarchal and authoritarian.”  Instead the referee will shout, “Equality! No judgments!’
6. Once a referee shouts this players must shake hands with the other team.  Hugs, while not technically necessary, will be encouraged.
7. If a receiver drops a pass there will be a timeout.  The affected receiver will be given counseling and told that just because he dropped the ball he is still a good person and that he should not rape women.
8. During half-time instead of “entertainment” the stadium will show a PSA about domestic violence and how to avoid it.  Those in attendance will be given a questionnaire to fill out asking them if they are prone to acts of micro or macro aggression.  Those who answer in the affirmative will be moved to cheaper seats farther away from the field.  “Aggression must be punished” according to Goodell.  “The only way to punish these fans who still cling bitterly to guns, religion and sports is to give them worse seats.”
9. Because field goal kickers are traditionally the most sensitive and prone to hurt feelings among all NFL players, the rules for field goal kicks shall be changed.  All kicks shall take place from the 1 yard line to reduce the chances of a miss.  If perchance a kicker still misses the attempt he will be allowed to cry.  After all, expressing inner sensitivity is the best way to avoid micro or macro aggression against women.
10. After the game is over fans and players will be encouraged to watch The View on ABC. They will also be encouraged to talk openly about their feelings of micro and macro aggression with a psychologist.

“We hope that by implementing these changes the NFL brand will continue to be popular for years to come” declared Goodell.

He then started crying.

“I’m crying because I’ve just remembered an incident of microaggression I committed in college” he said between sobs.

(707)