Secret Service Reveals White House Security Protocols

The ever so-secure White House

The ever so-secure White House

In another damaging blow to the Secret Service it was announced that bullet holes were found in the windows of the White House and that on another occasion an intruder had jumped the White House fence and gotten farther inside the Executive Mansion than previously reported. After Secret Service Director Julia Pierson was grilled on Capitol Hill she released her agency’s security protocols in an effort to allay criticism.  I now present to my readers said protocols.

Gunfire is heard outside the Executive Mansion.  Agents should:

  1. Immediately remove the President from the danger.
  2. Investigate the gunfire.
  3. Declare an emergency.
  4. 1, 2 and 3 simultaneously.
  5. Gunfire? Come on. This is Washington DC.  When don’t we hear gunfire?

Upon routine inspection of the White House bullet holes are found in several windows.  Agents should:

  1. Do nothing.  I mean no one got hurt.  No harm no foul.
  2. Depends.  I might show some South American women the bullet holes and brag about how my life was in danger.  Chicks dig that.
  3. Who cares about a few bullet holes.  I’m going to bang that South American chick.
  4. Have the maid clean it up.  If she refuses threaten to deport her family. Damn pain in the ass Puerto Ricans.
  5. I don’t know.  Ronco must sell some sort of miracle bonding shit or something that will fix it.  I think I saw it in one of their commercials.

A man has jumped the White House fence and is running towards the building. Agents should:

  1. Let someone else tackle him.  I don’t want to fill out the paperwork.
  2. Cut him some slack.  He’s probably trying to escape a gang shooting.
  3. Let him enter the unlocked front door and once he’s inside ask him if he knows any hot South American women he could hook you up with.
  4. Take turns shouting “Run Forrest Run!” and laugh.
  5. Hey, my shift is almost over.  I didn’t see nothing.

No seriously guys. That intruder is now in the White House!

  1. Don’t freak out.  Smoke some pot.
  2. Is the intruder Muslim?  We have nothing to fear.  Islam is the Religion of Peace™.
  3. Jesus he’s cutting my goddamn head off!
  4. Does this fit the definition of workplace violence?
  5. Is the intruder a teabagger?  Don’t take any chances just shoot the son of a bitch.

There may have been an electronic breach of White House computers.

  1. I have no idea how all the White House computer’s home page was changed to Busty Asian Babes.
  2. I don’t know how they got my credit card number.  It wasn’t me.
  3. Yes I sent a selfie to a South American woman of me masturbating at a White House computer but I was off duty.
  4. Seriously.  Busty Asian Babes.  Mm.  I almost bust a nut.
  5. Bomb Syria.

I don’t know about you readers but with the release of these protocols I can rest assured that the Secret Service is doing its utmost to protect the President.


7 Responses

  1. I think they should investigate the shooters to find out why they are such lousy shots.

  2. petermc3 says:

    To start with, any intruder wearing Nike’s and a headscarf and/or dirty pajama top should be escorted immediately to the White House prayer room.
    Any intruder with a latino surname should immediately be issued a drivers license and food stamps just in case he left his home.

    Immediately replace unqulified fat white female bureaucrat head of secret service head with an inexperienced unqualified black female LGBT affiliated bureaucrat.

  3. Petermc3 says:

    Check spam folder

  4. Petermc3 says:

    Fry up a slab in a cast iron pan when you’ve run out of corned beef hash.

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