The New NFL: Compassionate, Sensitive, Pro-Woman

Football must become more sensitive or it will be banned!

Football must become more sensitive or it will be banned!

Reacting to recent developments with NFL players and domestic violence, commissioner Roger Goodell implemented “Operation Sensitive” which took effect immediately.

“The NFL has heard the outrage of its critics” declared Goodell.

The NFL is a brand.  A brand that has entertained Americans with their game for decades.  But that is not enough anymore.  There is no room in the NFL for violence. On or off the field.  Under Operation Sensitive there will be a zero tolerance policy for aggression, be it micro-aggression or macro-aggression.

Goodell then announced some of the more important points of Operation Sensitive.

  1. Cheerleaders will be replaced by feminist studies professors.  Instead of revealing outfits they shall wear pantsuits.  The feminist studies professors will watch from the sidelines and any egregious display of patriarchy will be penalized.
  2. Scores will not be kept.  “I think we are all in agreement that the concept of a final score with a winner or a loser would affect the self-esteem of the losers and might lead to the winners going on a rampage of rape” said Goodell.
  3. When attempting a pass the quarterback must alert the other team where and who he is going to throw the ball to, lest it be taken as a sign of micro-aggression.
  4. Physical contact will not be allowed.  If players get a taste for physical contact this might continue off the field and lead to aggression against women.  In  place of tackling all helmets will be fitted with laser pointers.  If a running back is hit with the pointer he shall be declared down.
  5. Under the old rules once a player has been deemed down a whistle would be blown signaling that the play is dead.  However under Operation Sensitive whistles could be construed as “patriarchal and authoritarian.”  Instead the referee will shout, “Equality! No judgments!’
  6. Once a referee shouts this players must shake hands with the other team.  Hugs, while not technically necessary, will be encouraged.
  7. If a receiver drops a pass there will be a timeout.  The affected receiver will be given counseling and told that just because he dropped the ball he is still a good person and that he should not rape women.
  8. During half-time instead of “entertainment” the stadium will show a PSA about domestic violence and how to avoid it.  Those in attendance will be given a questionnaire to fill out asking them if they are prone to acts of micro or macro aggression.  Those who answer in the affirmative will be moved to cheaper seats farther away from the field.  “Aggression must be punished” according to Goodell.  “The only way to punish these fans who still cling bitterly to guns, religion and sports is to give them worse seats.”
  9. Because field goal kickers are traditionally the most sensitive and prone to hurt feelings among all NFL players, the rules for field goal kicks shall be changed.  All kicks shall take place from the 1 yard line to reduce the chances of a miss.  If perchance a kicker still misses the attempt he will be allowed to cry.  After all, expressing inner sensitivity is the best way to avoid micro or macro aggression against women.
  10. After the game is over fans and players will be encouraged to watch The View on ABC. They will also be encouraged to talk openly about their feelings of micro and macro aggression with a psychologist.

“We hope that by implementing these changes the NFL brand will continue to be popular for years to come” declared Goodell.

He then started crying.

“I’m crying because I’ve just remembered an incident of microaggression I committed in college” he said between sobs.


6 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    ….and so it came to pass that plane loads of rugby players without passports or visas, after trampling the INS nd TSA agents at JFK and Newark airports, made their way to Met Life Stadium where they proceeded to make fun of the Jets and Giants before mauling to death all the players. Obama then sent a bust of himself to the queen in a show of Gratitude. The queen returned the bust.

  2. Competitive sports must all be banned! Competition is bad for the human psyche. Government especially does not like competition.

  3. Bob Agard says:

    Thanks for giving me some ideas how to make my sons more sensitive. I linked to you here:

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