Nothing says “screwed” quite like Pete Best

Church and Dwight Company, manufacturer of Trojan Condoms, which account for 70.5 percent of all condom purchases in the United States, has announced an unprecedented and exclusive endorsement deal with former Beatles drummer Pete Best.

“This is certainly a historic occasion” said  an executive from Church and Dwight at a press conference announcing the deal.

We looked long and hard for a spokesman for our product and Pete is the person for us and we are the product for Pete.  We hope that this partnership will expand the Trojan brand and we will come into more homes.

As Best looked on Church and Dwight’s President explained why the two were a perfect fit.

Sex drugs and rock and roll. What kid doesn’t like that combination? We needed a rock star to cement the relationship.  We thought of hiring one or both of the two surviving Beatles but since they are actually Beatles they were too busy using our product to endorse it.  Then we considered Yoko but she tested as too masculine for our target audience.  Then we considered the surviving Monkees but again, being rock stars, they were out on tour using our product and were too busy to endorse it. So what did that leave us with?  It was either Pete Best or Bill Clinton and Clinton was too expensive. Fired just as the Beatles were about to become famous.  Spent his life eaking out a living while his former band mates became the biggest act on Earth.  Married to the same woman for 50 years while John, Paul and George had sex with more women than every player in the NBA combined.  For these reasons and more nothing says “screwed” quite like Pete Best.

As he finished his remarks the first special “Pete Best” condoms were distributed to waiting reporters.

Wrapped in the Union Jack with the phrase “Pete Best condoms:  When she wants you out and Ringo in” across the package the condoms will cost $12 dollars a pack.    Twenty percent of all proceeds from the sale of Pete Best condoms will go to fighting AIDS.

I know using the proceeds from sex to fund AIDS prevention probably doesn’t make any sense but hey, it makes us feel good about ourselves.

It was then that the man of the moment was brought forward to the microphones.

“I like to thank Church and Dwight for this opportunity” said Best.

You know when the Beatles fired me it was a tough break.  They didn’t even give me any explanation. I’m a better drummer than Ringo!  But I always knew that one day my time would come. And that time is now.

Church and Dwight’s president announced that if the Pete Best line of Trojans is successful they might consider expanding the Pete Best brand into diapers, anti-depressants and even a special “Pete Best Unemployment Office.” 

“The future is unlimited” said the President.

As the press conference broke up Best could be heard asking everyone, “What about food?  I came here because I was told there’d be food.”

Best was later seen rummaging through garbage cans in the parking lot.

(469)