…and the award for best beheading goes to….

Award Shows.  Who doesn’t love them? The glamour.  The celebrities.  The red carpet.  The acceptance speeches.

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have searched the world for busty Asian women things that might be of interest to my readers.

Perhaps my readers were unaware  that in ISIS controlled territory not only do they provide free healthcare to all but that ISIS also promotes a rich intellectual and cultural life.  Recently they held the first annual “ISIS Culture Awards” which honored those who have contributed the most to the Caliphate.  I am honored to share the results with my readers.

The first category is “”Best Performance of Shooting Infidels in the Head.”

The competition in this category was quite competitive.  Over 200 ISIS fighters submitted  videos of themselves shooting infidels in the back of the head.  However after consultation the ISIS judges selected Mohammed Omar.

“We selected him for a number of reasons” said the judges. “His accuracy of fire. The volume of infidels shot.  His artistry with a weapon and his goat.”

Tragically Mohammed was unable to pick up the award in person having been killed in a drone strike earlier in the week.

The category “Best Musical Adaptation of an Infidel Being Shot in the Head” was controversial to say the least, as music has been banned in the Caliphate.  After much discussion the award went to Jethro Tull.

“Hey, if we can win for best heavy metal band I guess we can win for this” said Ian Anderson.  “So where are the groupies?  What is this ISIS?  I mean I told them I was a flautist and they said I had to be beheaded. What gives?”

Tragically Ian Anderson was beheaded shortly after accepting his award.

The “glamour” or “marquee” award had to be the much anticipated, “Best Beheading of an Infidel.”

This is similar to ‘Best Picture” in that it is awarded at the end of the show.  Over 1500 ISIS fighter submitted tapes. After a week weeding out the real beheadings from the fake ones this still left over 800 possible winners of the award.

To further reduce the possible winners, ISIS Awards producers requested personal meetings to verify that they were in fact Muslims and not just homicidal maniacs, non-Muslims or Justin Beiber.

Finally after everyone who wasn’t an authentic ISIS fighter was eliminated the award went to former singer Cat Stevens who converted to Islam and is known as Yusuf Islam. “ I’d like to thank the producers for recognizing my work though I am confused since I haven’t actually beheaded anyone.  Perhaps they had me confused with someone else. Or maybe they are fans of my music, which is now available on iTunes.”

When producers discovered their error Stevens was beheaded.

The ISIS Awards concluded with the category, “Best Love of Goat.”

The winner of this category was Tariq Rashid, a 23 year old who lists his hobbies as “poetry, world peace, flower arranging, beheading infidels and the love of a fine goat.”

Tragically Tariq was unable to pick up his award as another ISIS fighter had beheaded him after mistaking him for an infidel.

The ISIS Culture Awards can be seen in their entirety on the WB Network.

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