The Apocalypse of Saint Leonardo DiCaprio (Part II)

Climate change martyr Leonardo DiCaprio

Climate change martyr Leonardo DiCaprio

Chapter Two

1. To the angel of Climate Change of the church at New York write: Thus says he who holds the keys to the seven Priuses in his right hand, who walks in the midst of the Priuses even though he himself prefers SUVs:  2. I know you have a socialist mayor and that thou canst not bear evil men (the conservatives) but has tried them who say they are climate change apostles and are not and has found them un-Prius worthy. 3.  But I have this against thee, that thou has a Republican mayor from 1994 to 2014.  4.  Remember therefore whence thou has fallen and repent by giving money to climate change charities or else I will come to thee and take thy Priuses.  5. He who has good hearing (thanks to Obama Care) let him hear what the spirit of Climate Change says.  6.  Him who believes in the settled science of Climate Change I will permit to use 100 watt bulbs and drive SUVs and use high-flush toilets, because you are a good person.

To the Church of Climate Change in Chicago

7.  And to the angel of the Church at Chicago write:  Thus says the man who won the 2000 election. 8.  I know thy tribulation and thy high crime rate and that thou has Obama’s former chief of staff as mayor.  9.  Fear not high crime for thou has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation. 10.  What has this to do with climate change?  I don’t know.  Sometimes I get distracted.  What was I saying?  Oh yes.  11.  Be thou faithful to the Church of Climate Change unto death (hopefully not by a drive by shooting) and I will give thee air conditioners that really run cold.  12.  I know they are bad for the environment but we are liberals.  Good people.

To the Church of Climate Change in Los Angeles

13.  And to the angel of the Church of Climate Change at Los Angeles write:  Thus says he who has a mansion in Tennessee that has a high carbon footprint (but I am a good person so it’s okay when I do it):  13.  I know where thou dwellest in a desert with no natural water supply: and thou holdest fast to my church by diverting water from farmers to save the Delta Smelt fish. 14.  But I have a few things against thee.  15.  For thy show biz studios take their business elsewhere where there are lower taxes.  16.  This is unpatriotic.  17  Your state legislature should pass a law forbidding studios from leaving the state or I will come to thee quickly and take thy SUVs and cocaine and teenage boys away from thee.  18.  To thee who has good hearing and hasn’t been put to death by an Obama Care death panel let him hear what the Spirit of the Climate Change Church has to say.  19.  To him who has overcome I will give hidden tax breaks and SUVs.

To the Church of Climate Change in Austin

20. And to the angel of the Church at Austin write:  Thus says the man who has many carbon credits:  21.  I know thy works, thy blue voting pattern in a solidly red state.  22.  But I have this against thee that thou sufferest the death penalty which is not progressive.  23.  Please kill only the unborn.  24.  If you insist on having the death penalty I will strike thy children with death or move them to areas of Texas that are solidly red.  25.  That which thou hast hold fast until I come in my private jet. 26. Yes, again probably not good for the environment but I am a good person and am allowed this. 27.  He who has a hearing aide paid for by the Affordable Care Act let him hear what the Spirit of Climate Change says.

[To be continued]


3 Responses

  1. DiCrapsalot _ is that an Irish name? We Scots have never much trusted the Irish.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      As they say the Scots became English and kept their freedom. The Irish remained Irish and lost theirs.

  2. petermc3 says:

    Everybody Wang Chung tonight for the man with the Algoredian Beard.

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