A Special Message from the Centers for Disease Control


With the Ebola outbreak in the news we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™  are taking a moment out of our busy schedule to give our readers the latest information from the Centers for Disease Control on how to protect yourself.

Q:  What is the Ebola virus?

A:  The Ebola virus (or Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever) is a highly contagious and deadly disease.  There is no known cure.

Q:  Where did the Ebola virus originate?

A:  Some say Africa, though of course that is speculation and racist.

Q:  But weren’t the first recorded cases from sub-Saharan Africa?

A:  We are scientists.  We are not interested in your “facts.”

Q:  What causes Ebola?

A:  Intolerance, racism and capitalism.  Countries with low tax rates usually experience outbreaks.

Q:  What are the symptoms of Ebola?

A: Fatigue, headache, joint paint, vomiting and diarrhea are the first outward signs of infection though the underlying cause is most likely resistance to the Prophet Muhammad.

Q:  I hear there is an outbreak in Africa and an African man flew to Dallas and became sick.  Is this true?

A:  It is irrelevant where the sick person came from.  We at the CDC are not interested in that.

Q:  But if he did come from Africa shouldn’t we, as a precaution, ban flights from countries with known infectious outbreaks?

A:  Your question betrays your underlying racism and makes me sick.  Granted, not “Ebola” sick but sick from moral outrage that in the 21st century we still have to put up with people like you.

Q:  It’s not a racist question.  It’s common sense.  Wouldn’t the best way to prevent an outbreak in the United States be to ban flights from countries known to have outbreaks?  We temporarily banned flights to Israel over the summer because of the war and feared for the safety of Americans.  Isn’t it the same principle?

A:  The two cases could not be more different. Israel is an occupying power and we banned flights hoping to inflict economic damage on them that would bring them to enter negotiations with the Palestinians.  Quite frankly I am surprised by the ignorance of your question and have already alerted the IRS to possible irregularities in your tax returns.

Q:  But I just want to protect America!  I think we should stop flights from infected countries in Africa.

A:  Why do you hate black people?

Q:  I believe I might be infected.  What can I do?

A:  Try vomiting all over your home.  Then go outside and vomit on your front lawn. Make sure that your neighbors see you vomiting so that they will come to your assistance.

Q:  But won’t that infect my neighbors?

A:  Not if they are progressive and favor higher taxes and redistribution of wealth.

Q:  What about washing my hands?

A:  Yeah right.  Since when has washing ones hands ever kept anyone healthy? Besides, washing ones hands is racist.

Q:  I just vomited all over my home and front lawn.  Teams in HazMat suits have ordered me back inside. Shouldn’t I be taken to a hospital?  

A:  What? And infect hospital workers?  No. The safest thing for you to do is to go back inside. If you have any meat in your refrigerator use the meat to clean up the vomit.  This will disinfect your home.  It also means the meat is safe to eat.

Q:  Really?

A:  I think so.  We are kind of new to this whole infectious outbreak thing.  But this advice comes from Jenny McCarthy so we know it’s reliable.

Q:  So I have nothing to fear?  Ebola has no chance of coming to the United States?

A:  None whatsoever.  Unless an infected man flies to this country or crosses our borders.  But what are the chances of that happening?.

Q:  Thank you for your help and information.  I feel better already.

A:  Don’t mention it.  We at the CDC exist to fight the spread of such infectious diseases such as Ebola and we urge all Americans to vote Democrat.  Only through higher taxes can we prevent an outbreak.

Well I for one feel much safer knowing the Government is on the case.


6 Responses

  1. Read this! Also, read the comments. You will feel so much better. Would I lie to you?


  2. petermc3 says:

    Thanks for the link Jim.
    If we install death panels in all 50 states and Puerto Rico we should be able to clear out the hospitals, designate them as Ebola only, convert any empty space into mini-suites for family members stupid enough to swap spit with infected relatives. If anyone really needs to see a doctor its best they contact the Ebola virus ASAP and they will be admitted pronto.

  3. innominatus says:

    I just *knew* Jenny McC was somehow involved.

    Go Giants!

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