The Apocalypse of Leonardo DiCaprio

Climate change martyr Leonardo DiCaprio

Climate change martyr Leonardo DiCaprio

In late 2014 distinguished actor and climate change activist Leonardo DiCaprio was named a Messenger of Peace by the United Nations.  Shortly after this, when unscientific Republicans gained control of the Senate he was exiled to the rocky island of Martha’s Vineyard for his witness to the settled science of climate change. Shortly after his exile he wrote his apocalypse, or “revelation” of things that were, and are, and will be.  The book is one of hope, but also of warning. Its aim is to assure the church of environmental activism of their eventual victory.  The precise time of this victory lies hidden with Al Gore, but it is certain.

Chapter One

The Revelation of Al Gore which climate change gave to him, to make known to his servants the things that must shortly come to pass; and he sent and signified them to his servant Leonardo DiCaprio; 2 who bore witness to the word of Climate Change and to the testimony of Al Gore, to whatever he saw. 3 Blessed is he who reads with a 40 watt light bulb and those who hear the words of this prophesy and keep the things that are written therein; for the time is at hand.


4 Leonardo DiCaprio to the seven Democratic churches that are in North America: the progressive spirit be with you and peace from him who sold his TV station to Arabs and from the seven spirits of the progressive movement who are before his throne. From Al Gore who is the faithful witness and the ruler of the Kings of the Earth (If the Supreme Court hadn’t ruled against him in 2000 that is.) To him who has loved us and washed us from our sins with the Church of Climate Change. Amen

6 Behold, Al Gore comes with the clouds (caused by climate change), and every eye shall see him, and they also who pierced him by doubting the settled science of climate change. And all the Republicans of the Earth shall wail over him. Even so. Amen.

Leonardo Told to Write his Visions

7 I, Leonardo, your elite brother and partner in the tribulations and kingdom that are the Church of Climate Change, was on the island called Martha’s Vineyard, because of the testimony of climate change. 8 I was drinking rum and coke with George Clooney and I heard behind me a great voice, not unlike the braying of Michelle Obama 9 saying “What thou seest write in a book or on an iPad and send to the seven churches of Climate Change in New York and to Chicago and to Los Angeles and to Austin and to Philadelphia and to Harrisburg and to Boston.”

Visions of Al Gore

10 And I turned to see the voice that was speaking to me, really hoping it wasn’t Michelle Obama since I can’t stand that bitch. And having turned I saw seven golden Priuses. 11 and in the midst of the seven Priuses Al Gore, clothed with a garment reaching to his ankles. 12 But his head and his hair were white as wool and his eyes seemed very tired. 13 his feet smelled and he had in his right hand he held the keys to seven Priuses

13 And when I saw him I fell at his feet like one worshiping Kim Kardasian’s fine ass. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying “Do not be afraid. I have sold my TV station to Arabs but I still care about the environment. 14 Write on an iPad therefore the things that thou has seen, and the things that are, and the things that are to come hereafter. 15 As for the mystery of the seven Priuses and seven keys for the seven Priuses – the seven Priuses get good gas mileage and prevent polar bears from drowning. The seven keys are necessary to start the cars.”

[To be continued]


2 Responses

  1. Mr. Di Crapsalot and his friend Mr. Goriness have carbon foot prints bigger than many nations.

  2. LSP says:

    That’s quite a “revelation”, but where does Gwyny fit in?


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