My Exclusive Interview with Neil deGrasse Tyson

Trust me I'm a scientist!

Trust me I’m a scientist!

Today at Manhattan Infidel it is my distinct pleasure to welcome one of the greatest scientific minds of our time, host of PBS’s “Cosmos:  A Spacetime Odyssey” Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson.

MI: Welcome Dr. Tyson.  I’m a big fan.

NDGT: Naturally.  That’s to be expected.

MI: Um. What?

NDGT: Well naturally I would expect a person such as yourself to be a fan of someone better educated and knowledgeable such as myself.

MI: Right. So tell me, what exactly does science mean to you?

NDGT: Science is the study of the universe using observation.

MI: Well that sounds – 

NDGT:  I’m not finished.  Do not interrupt me.  I’m better educated.  Science is the study of the universe using observation.  Once we observe something we, as scientists, formulate laws.

MI: Based on the observations?

NDGT:  I said I wasn’t finished!  No. Not based on the observations.  The observations are merely used to prove our faith in science.

MI:  So you’re saying that you observe something to prove your beliefs?

NDGT: Yes.  As a member of the elite, science is my religion.  It’s a faith-based community of the better educated.  Think of it as Catholicism for those who don’t sit at home wearing wife beater t shirts while drinking cans of Schlitz.

MI: I’m not sure I follow.

NDGT: Of course you wouldn’t.  You’re not as intelligent as I am. In fact you don’t exist.

MI: What?  

NDGT: Nothing exists.  Matter is an illusion. The only thing that exists is myself.  My thoughts constitute reality.  I have thought of you so here you are.

MI: Right.  

NDGT:  If I don’t think of it, it doesn’t exist.  I could wish you out of existence at this very  moment.  Trust me.  I’m a scientist.

MI: You haven’t been taking your medication have you?

NDGT:  I am wishing you out of existence now!  There.  I’ve done it. I have wished you out of existence.

MI: I’m still here.

NDGT: I’m tired of playing with you.  Manhattan Infidel be dead. You be dead!

MI: Right.  I’m still here.

NDGT: No kids came over and played with me today.  Not a single one.  I wanted someone to play with!  I hate everybody that doesn’t like me.  They shouldn’t think bad thoughts about me or I’ll make them go on fire.

MI: What the hell are you talking about?

NDGT: Don’t interrupt me!  I am a scientist! Be nice to me or I’ll put  you in the cornfield!

MI: Yeah you’re a batshit insane scientist it seems to me.

NDGT: You’re a bad man.  You’re a very bad man Mr. Infidel and you keep thinking bad thoughts about me.  I’m going to wish you into the cornfield!

MI: I’m leaving now.

NDGT: You’re a bad man.  A very bad man!  I’m wishing you into – 

MI: Yes, yes, I know.  The cornfield.  

NDGT: Come back!  You’re a bad man!  I don’t like you!

MI:  Just turn out the lights when you leave will you?

NDGT: I am a scientist!  I invented the lightbulb.  Until I wished them all into the cornfield.

You know maybe we shouldn’t think so highly of scientists.


4 Responses

  1. So, how is the view from the cornfield? Flat as piss on a platter, right?

  2. petermc3 says:

    So then global warming/climate change although real is imagined or imagined yet real is bigger than all of us or we are bigger than all of us and when a natural disaster ends all things yet leaves Manhattan Island intact will we still be able to buy a loaf of rye bread at Schnitzers?

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