Charlie Brown receives the news of his conviction and banishment from his school

Charlie Brown received today the bad news he has been dreading for months:  His elementary school had formally accused him of raping the little red-haired girl he had been obsessed with.

Brown’s predator tendencies first came to the attention of the school’s doctrinal counselors when he was overheard telling his friend Linus that he liked the little red-haired girl and that he would “give anything in the world if that little girl with the red hair would come over and sit with me.”

“Naturally we were very concerned” said the school’s nurse, who doubles as the feminist studies instructor.

Such tendencies in a man never end well.  They always end up in the violation of penetration.  We cannot allow young boys to grow up to be men. We asked Charlie to meet with us after school so we could question him about his relationship with the red-haired girl. We asked him if it was true that he would like her to sit next to him. For what purpose, we don’t know but it was probably to put his penis in her mouth. He said, and these are his exact words, “I’d sure like to eat lunch with that little red-haired girl.”  We took this as an oblique reference to cunnilingus, which as you know by school policy is restricted to girls performing on girls.  It’s been proven that early lesbian activity socializes one into the feminist paradigm. I saw it on PBS.

Once Brown’s testosterone-fueled rape fantasy was exposed authorities took action.  The little red-haired girl was taken from her parents to a safe house where she would be free from contact with boys.

Brown was then brought to the local precinct where he was finger printed and asked to sign a statement acknowledging his rape tendencies.

Posters were placed throughout the school with Brown’s picture on it and the caption “Don’t become a rapist like this boy!’  Brown was then asked to address his fellow classmates and confess his sins.  According to several witnesses it didn’t go well.

“Charlie started crying” said his friend Schroeder.

He kept saying over and over, “But I just want to have lunch with the little red-haired girl.  I just want her to sit by me.  Is that wrong?”  We all felt for him but at the same time were glad that it was him up there and not one of us.

“Charlie has yet to realize that all PIY sex is rape” said Lucy, a classmate and frequent antagonist.

Expelled from school and formally branded as a sexual predator the future appears bleak for Charlie Brown. His family has been asked to leave town.

“He doesn’t have many options left” said his former guidance counselor.

His job opportunities will be severely limited.  As a convicted sexual predator his only chance of finding employment will be in the NBA or NFL. And I’ve seen Charlie play baseball.  He’s no athlete.

The last word on this sad development has to be Linus who told reporters that Charlie called his residence after he was expelled to say that he wanted to come over to his house to talk.

“I wouldn’t take his phone call” said Linus.  “Charlie’s toxic right now. I mean I love the guy but I’ve got to think about my future.”

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Elmer J. Fudd pictured with his infamous assault shot gun.

Local resident and hunting enthusiast Elmer J. Fudd was gunned down by a SWAT team today when he refused to give up his “assault” double-barreled shotgun.

“We had no choice” said the Captain of the county’s newly-organized SWAT team.

He refused to give up his shotgun, or rifle.  I don’t know what it was but it looked dangerous.  Probably some sort of modified assault weapon.  Look, haven’t we learned anything after the Newtown tragedy?  The state can no longer tolerate guns like that in the hands of citizens. That’s why Governor Cuomo signed the SAFE act into law.

Fudd was known around town as a gun nut and avid hunter.  As such he had been under police surveillance for awhile.  The EPA had even visited him on one occasion to ask him to stop hunting.

“Look, first off meat is murder” said the EPA agent who visited Fudd.

And if meat is murder then killing meat is a double homicide.  I told him that he had to adjust to modern times.  The second amendment was written long before assault shotguns came into existence. For the greater good he had to give up his guns. Or at least keep them in a safe so his neighbors wouldn’t worry.  He wouldn’t do either. He was just stubborn. He even volunteered to bring his gun to school so children could look at it and see it wasn’t dangerous.  “A gun is a tool” he told  me.  “No better or worse than any other tool: an axe, a shovel or anything.  A gun is as good or bad as the man using it.  Remember that.”  He actually said that.  What kind of crazy talk is that?

Before leaving Fudd the agent told him that he would have a week to surrender his weapons.

When the week was up the SWAT team surrounded his residence and told him to come out with his hands up.  Elmer opened his front door,dressed to go hunting with his infamous double-barreled assault shotgun his hands.

“Shhh. Be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting wabbits” he was heard to say followed by “Kiww the wabbit, kiww the wabbit, kiww the wabbit!”

“We knew we had a potentially explosive situation on our hands” according the the SWAT captain.

We didn’t know if he had any hostages in the house and we had to diffuse things. Neighborhood children were watching. What sort of message would we be sending if we didn’t take him out.  He disobeyed a direct order to lay down his weapon.  So we opened fire.

For a full minute a hale of bullets pierced the screaming Fudd.  When it was over Fudd lay motionless on his stomach.

We approached very carefully because we didn’t know if he was alive.  No one wanted to take any chances.

Agents soon discovered that Fudd was miraculously still alive.

“Where’s my gun?  I just want to go hunting” he mumbled.

Even bleeding profusely from multiple bullet penetrations he still wanted his gun. That just goes to show you how dangerous gun nuts are.  So we finished him off with a few rounds to the head.

Fudd’s house will be torn down and a plaque placed at the location as a reminder of the dangers of guns in the hands of private citizens.

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Beware children begging for candy

Halloween. A time of candy.  A time of dressing up in costumes.  A time of terror. For this blogger anyway.  Many people view Halloween as a harmless holiday.  These people are wrong.  Since I always have the welfare of my readers in mind I will use this post to warn of the terrors of this day.

It is a socialist holiday!  Candy is redistributed to young kids.  This in turns makes the children used to getting something for free. Not only do they get used to it but the children begin to demand free stuff.  Studies have shown that children who demand free stuff have a 95 percent chance of voting Democrat when they grow up. The other five percent become emotionally stunted, start blogs and live lonely, isolated, celibate lives, never knowing the touch of a woman.

Don’t believe me?  Let me share a story with you that happened to me one Halloween.  I had just finished reading a novel organizing my porn bookmarks when there was a knock at the door.  Ah, Halloween revelers I said to myself.  Putting on my smoking jacket pants I went to answer the door.

Now being a blogger I am a man of words.  I believe words have meaning.  One should not use a word unless one means it.  It is with this in mind that I decided I was not going to give out candy.  Instead I would show the kids card tricks.  The kids do say “trick or treat” after all.

I opened the door to be greeted by at least ten kids in costumes shouting “trick or treat.”  They they peered around me, looking for candy.

“I don’t any candy for you” I told them. “But I do have a trick.”

I produced a deck of cards.

“This may look like an ordinary deck of cards but with this deck I shall now amaze you with card tricks!  The great Manhattan Infidel is my name and card tricks are my game!”

I was greeted with silence, which in my foolish naivete I took as a good sign. The kids must be eager to see my card tricks.

It was then that something was thrown at me.

“Come on Mister.  Where’s our f*cking candy?”

While hardly a puritan I was surprised by this language.  I began to teach the children about proper etiquette. They were not pleased with my lecture

“F*ck you mister.  Give us what we want!  Give us our f*cking candy.  We f*cking deserve it!”

I remonstrated with the children, reminding them once again that they had said “Trick or treat.” and that I was giving them a trick.

One of the kids kicked me in the shin.  What happened next was hazy but my last conscious memory of that night was of kids stepping over me to get into my  home.

“Look for the candy.  Take everything that’s not tied down” one kid said.

When I awoke my house was ransacked. All the food was gone.  All electronic equipment was gone.  They even took my Japanese sex robot.  (And what does a ten-year old need a Japanese sex robot for?)

As the ambulance arrived and paramedics treated me I gave my statement to the police.

“I never saw anything like it” I said.  “It was like they were out of control. Rabid almost.”

“The kids were probably in the midst of a socialist cold turkey withdrawal” one of the cops told me.

 It happens all the time.  When they expect free stuff and then do not get it things get ugly.  Myself? I just give the kids what they want.  It’s safer and more compassionate.  And I feel good about myself for doing it.

And that is my story.  Readers, beware this Halloween.  Junkie, socialist kids are everywhere. Protect yourself.  Lock your doors.  Turn out your lights.  Pretend your not home and they might leave you alone.

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