The Apocalypse of Saint Leonardo DiCaprio (Part VI)

Climate change martyr Leonardo DiCaprio

Climate change martyr Leonardo DiCaprio

The Breaking of the First Six Seals (No Not the Singer or Seals You Find in a Zoo)

Chapter Six

And I saw that the newly-married guy from Ocean’s Eleven (no not the original) had opened the first of the seven seals and I heard the first living creature from the IRS saying “Come together right now, over me.” 2. And I saw and behold a white Prius and he who was sitting in the driver’s seat had a bow tie which frankly disturbed me since they haven’t been in style for over 50 years and he went forth as a government expert with the power to tax and destroy.

Strife against the Democratic Party

3.  And when he opened the second seal I heard the second living creature from the EPA saying, “Come together right now over me.”.  And there went fourth another Prius, a red one (I didn’t even know they came in that color and I’d be hesitant to drive it lest people think I’m from a red state) 4. and to him who was sitting in the driver’s seat was given power to shut down coal mines even if they be in blue states.

Empty Store Shelves

5.  And when he opened the third seal I heard the third living creature from the NSA saying, “Come together right now over me.” And I saw, and behold, a black Prius for black is beautiful and he who was sitting in the driver’s seat  had the power to ban food that was bad for people or food from companies that did business with Israel.

Run For Your Life

6.  And when he opened the fourth seal I heard the voice of the fourth living creature from Homeland Security saying “Come together right now over me.  But first take off your shoes” and I saw 7. and behold a pale-green Prius (my personal favorite color) and he who was sitting in the driver’s seat was Billy Joel. And there was given him power to run people over and to kill them.

The Martyrs

8.  And when he opened the fifth seal (by now you know he wasn’t opening up a seal in the zoo, which would be cruel, difficult and bloody.  I mean, have you ever tried it?) I saw under the low-flush throne the souls of those who had to buy carbon credits for the word of climate change and for the witness that they bore. And they cried with a loud voice saying, “We are good people and buying carbon credits makes us feel good about ourselves.  How long dost thou refrain from instituting the Kyoto Treaty?” 9.  And there was given to each of them a white robe and they were told to go to Martha’s Vineyard and rest with the other elite for a little while.

Signs on Earth and in Hollywood

10.  And I saw when he opened the sixth seal (okay maybe this one was a real seal), there was a great earthquake caused by the failure of a Republican congress to pass the Kyoto Treaty. The sun became like unto a person of color and the moon became as blood . 11.  And the stars in Hollywood fell upon the Earth, distressed as they were by climate change.  12.  And Hollywood passed away because all production moved to Vancouver.  13.  And the Kings and princes of the pro-environmental Democratic party hid themselves in the caves and in the rocks of the mountains because it was good for the environment and they feared the results of the midterm elections. 14. And they said “Hide us for people are voting against us.  I guess Americans must be stupid and the great day of their anti-government wrath has come and who is able to stand?”

[To be continued]



2 Responses

  1. At least Billy Joel found a job he was good at doing.

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