Charlie Brown received today the bad news he has been dreading for months: His elementary school had formally accused him of raping the little red-haired girl he had been obsessed with.
Brown’s predator tendencies first came to the attention of the school’s doctrinal counselors when he was overheard telling his friend Linus that he liked the little red-haired girl and that he would “give anything in the world if that little girl with the red hair would come over and sit with me.”
“Naturally we were very concerned” said the school’s nurse, who doubles as the feminist studies instructor.
Such tendencies in a man never end well. They always end up in the violation of penetration. We cannot allow young boys to grow up to be men. We asked Charlie to meet with us after school so we could question him about his relationship with the red-haired girl. We asked him if it was true that he would like her to sit next to him. For what purpose, we don’t know but it was probably to put his penis in her mouth. He said, and these are his exact words, “I’d sure like to eat lunch with that little red-haired girl.” We took this as an oblique reference to cunnilingus, which as you know by school policy is restricted to girls performing on girls. It’s been proven that early lesbian activity socializes one into the feminist paradigm. I saw it on PBS.
Once Brown’s testosterone-fueled rape fantasy was exposed authorities took action. The little red-haired girl was taken from her parents to a safe house where she would be free from contact with boys.
Brown was then brought to the local precinct where he was finger printed and asked to sign a statement acknowledging his rape tendencies.
Posters were placed throughout the school with Brown’s picture on it and the caption “Don’t become a rapist like this boy!’ Brown was then asked to address his fellow classmates and confess his sins. According to several witnesses it didn’t go well.
“Charlie started crying” said his friend Schroeder.
He kept saying over and over, “But I just want to have lunch with the little red-haired girl. I just want her to sit by me. Is that wrong?” We all felt for him but at the same time were glad that it was him up there and not one of us.
“Charlie has yet to realize that all PIY sex is rape” said Lucy, a classmate and frequent antagonist.
Expelled from school and formally branded as a sexual predator the future appears bleak for Charlie Brown. His family has been asked to leave town.
“He doesn’t have many options left” said his former guidance counselor.
His job opportunities will be severely limited. As a convicted sexual predator his only chance of finding employment will be in the NBA or NFL. And I’ve seen Charlie play baseball. He’s no athlete.
The last word on this sad development has to be Linus who told reporters that Charlie called his residence after he was expelled to say that he wanted to come over to his house to talk.
“I wouldn’t take his phone call” said Linus. “Charlie’s toxic right now. I mean I love the guy but I’ve got to think about my future.”