Beware children begging for candy

Halloween. A time of candy.  A time of dressing up in costumes.  A time of terror. For this blogger anyway.  Many people view Halloween as a harmless holiday.  These people are wrong.  Since I always have the welfare of my readers in mind I will use this post to warn of the terrors of this day.

It is a socialist holiday!  Candy is redistributed to young kids.  This in turns makes the children used to getting something for free. Not only do they get used to it but the children begin to demand free stuff.  Studies have shown that children who demand free stuff have a 95 percent chance of voting Democrat when they grow up. The other five percent become emotionally stunted, start blogs and live lonely, isolated, celibate lives, never knowing the touch of a woman.

Don’t believe me?  Let me share a story with you that happened to me one Halloween.  I had just finished reading a novel organizing my porn bookmarks when there was a knock at the door.  Ah, Halloween revelers I said to myself.  Putting on my smoking jacket pants I went to answer the door.

Now being a blogger I am a man of words.  I believe words have meaning.  One should not use a word unless one means it.  It is with this in mind that I decided I was not going to give out candy.  Instead I would show the kids card tricks.  The kids do say “trick or treat” after all.

I opened the door to be greeted by at least ten kids in costumes shouting “trick or treat.”  They they peered around me, looking for candy.

“I don’t any candy for you” I told them. “But I do have a trick.”

I produced a deck of cards.

“This may look like an ordinary deck of cards but with this deck I shall now amaze you with card tricks!  The great Manhattan Infidel is my name and card tricks are my game!”

I was greeted with silence, which in my foolish naivete I took as a good sign. The kids must be eager to see my card tricks.

It was then that something was thrown at me.

“Come on Mister.  Where’s our f*cking candy?”

While hardly a puritan I was surprised by this language.  I began to teach the children about proper etiquette. They were not pleased with my lecture

“F*ck you mister.  Give us what we want!  Give us our f*cking candy.  We f*cking deserve it!”

I remonstrated with the children, reminding them once again that they had said “Trick or treat.” and that I was giving them a trick.

One of the kids kicked me in the shin.  What happened next was hazy but my last conscious memory of that night was of kids stepping over me to get into my  home.

“Look for the candy.  Take everything that’s not tied down” one kid said.

When I awoke my house was ransacked. All the food was gone.  All electronic equipment was gone.  They even took my Japanese sex robot.  (And what does a ten-year old need a Japanese sex robot for?)

As the ambulance arrived and paramedics treated me I gave my statement to the police.

“I never saw anything like it” I said.  “It was like they were out of control. Rabid almost.”

“The kids were probably in the midst of a socialist cold turkey withdrawal” one of the cops told me.

 It happens all the time.  When they expect free stuff and then do not get it things get ugly.  Myself? I just give the kids what they want.  It’s safer and more compassionate.  And I feel good about myself for doing it.

And that is my story.  Readers, beware this Halloween.  Junkie, socialist kids are everywhere. Protect yourself.  Lock your doors.  Turn out your lights.  Pretend your not home and they might leave you alone.

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