Affirmative and enthusiastic consent is required.

As everyone is by now probably aware California, perhaps the most progressive state in the nation, has passed a bill, Senate bill number 967, hoping to stem the tide of rape on college campuses.  Here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ we have examined the bill in question.  Still confused as to some of the particulars I contacted California’s elected officials to clarify the issue.  I first tried Governor Jerry Brown but he was unavailable as he is following Linda Rondstadt around on tour.

I then was lucky enough to get in touch with California’s Secretary of State Debra Bowen and she was kind enough to answer my questions.

MI: Thank you for taking my phone call.

DB: Look I told you never to call me again. 

MI: Oh come on baby, don’t be that way.

DB: What happened between us was a one time thing.

MI: You know you want me, admit it.

DB: Please.  I don’t want my husband to find out.

MI:  Okay, I’ll drop it, Sugar Tits.

DB: God you know I can’t resist you when you talk dirty.

MI:Yeah, you’ll get some of this sweet stuff later. First let’s talk about Bill no. 967.

DB: Yes, our sexual consent law.  We hope that this will create “rape free” zones on our college campuses.

MI:  The bill state that any and all sexual acts and any and all escalation of sexual acts must be met with “affirmative consent” meaning affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement to engage in the sexual activity.

DB: Yes.  Exactly that.

MI: So lets say I reach under your blouse and use my fingers to caress your nipples.

DB: Oh god yes!  Yes

MI: Would that count as affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement to continue with the sexual activity?

DB: Shut up and continue playing with my nipples.

MI: Okay here I’m confused. That could be an affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement to continue with the sexual activity but “shut up” sound awfully like no.

DB: Continue!  For god’s sake continue!

MI: Let’s say I want to escalate this and place my hands on your ass?

DB: Yes!  Yes! Do it!

MI: Okay, again.That sounds like affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement, wouldn’t you agree?

DB: Shut up and spank me.  I’m a bad girl.

MI: May I eat you?

DB: Yes!

MI: May I eat you in a boat?  May I eat you with a goat? May I eat you in the rain?  And in the dark?  And on a train?

DB: Yes!  Oh god yes!  F*ck me like an animal!

MI: So I will f*ck you in a box.  I will f*ck you with a fox.  I will f*ck you in the house.  I will f*ck you with a mouse.  I will f*ck you here and there.  I will f*ck you everywhere.

DB: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh…….yessssssss!

MI: Okay I think we’re done here.  You’ve answered my questions and I think we’ve had an excellent opportunity to test affirmative, conscious and voluntary sexual consent in a real world situation.  Now clean yourself up. I’m out of here.

DB:  Oh Manhattan Infidel nobody does it better. Nobody makes me feel like you do. Promise you’ll call?

MI:  I don’t know.  You’re not really my type.

DB:  No!!!!!

[She starts crying]

I think this was very informative.  It went a long way to clarifying what affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement really means.  I once again thank California for leading the way to a more humane, tolerant and progressive society.

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