This man died at McDonalds, the victim of processed food and gunshot wounds

The rapper known as Big Paybacc died while at a McDonalds in Palmdale, California.

According to witnesses, the rapper whose real name was Habeeb Ameer Zekajj, was eating a Big Mac with large fries, soda and a side of McNuggets when he died.

“Yeah he was sitting at the booth next to me” said a patron.

He was having a Big Mac and a shitload of McNuggets.  I think he ordered 20 of them. He was talking about his new rap song when he just grabbed his heart and collapsed.  I think he grabbed his heart.  It might have been the back of his head because that’s where the shooter was.  I told the brother not to order so many McNuggets. Those things will kill you!  Everyone knows the white man makes McNuggets and sells them to the black man to kill him!

When police arrived they assessed the situation.

“We had one young black man dead” said an officer.

We looked at his tray and saw the Big Mac, large fries and McNuggets and knew immediately it was probably a heart attack. Obesity is an alarming problem in the black community. He also had six exit wounds on his body.  Someone said it might be bullet wounds but of course any such speculation would be racist.

“He just keeled over and expired on the scene” said an emergency medical technician.

We tried to revive him but were unsuccessful, probably because of the gaping wound in his head, though the meal he was eating didn’t help.  I mean the fries alone probably clogged his arteries to the point where his heart stopped.  Though again we won’t know if the multiple bullet wounds to his body were a contributing factor until the autopsy results come in.  He also was obese.

The EMT’s last comment points out the number one cause of death of black males between the age of 16 and 35: Obesity, followed by high blood pressure, sickle cell anemia, Taylor Swift and multiple bullets wounds to just about anywhere on the body.

The McDonalds that Big Paybacc had his last meal issued the following statement:

The entire McDonald’s family is saddened by the death of Big Paybacc.  While none of us had ever heard of him or downloaded his songs from iTunes we understand that he was beloved in the Palmdale rap community and was often referred to as the next Sir Mix-A-Lott.  We at McDonalds are also concerned over reports that Big Paybacc died while eating a Big Mac.  We promise a full investigation into the incident and if the autopsy shows that the Big Mac contributed to Big Paybacc’s death will pull the item from our Palmdale store.  We care about the health of the black community and for the immediate future, out of an abundance of concern, will only sell salads at the location.  We have also made a contribution to the Reverend Jesse Jackson’s Rainbow Coalition.

Big Paybacc’s fiance was too distraught to talk to reporters though she told a friend that she begged him not to go to the McDonalds because he was obese and everyone knows that obesity is the number one killer of black men.

“He’s gone!  He’s gone!’ she cried as she collapsed into the arms of relatives.  “Damn you Taylor Swift this is your fault.”

A candlelight vigil will be held in downtown Palmdale to remember all the victims of McDonalds. Those attending the vigil will be asked to leave their guns at home.

Taylor Swift could not be reached for comment.

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Yes I will marry you!

Patricia “Peppermint Patty” Reichardt  married her lover Marcie in a ceremony attended by Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Linus, Schroeder, Charlie Brown’s teacher and Peppermint Patty’s entire woman’s lacrosse semi-pro team.

“This is the happiest day of my life” said Peppermint Patty after the ceremony.

For a long time I thought I’d never see this day.  But I thank the Circuit Court in this state for legalizing same sex marriage.  It’s a step forward in the long march of civilization out of the dark ages. Now Marcie and I can hold our heads high and declare our love. 

When asked when she first realized she had feelings for Marcie, Peppermint Patty said in retrospect it was love at first sight.

She sat behind me in class. She kept calling me sir. I was a confused kid. Confused about a lot of things. Confused about whether Snoopy was a funny looking kid with a big nose or a dog. Confused about whether Charlie Brown’s guest cottage was really a dog house. Confused about my sexuality. I thought I was in love with Charlie Brown until I realized I wanted to subvert the dominant paradigm.  Anyway Marcie was in my gym class and we had lockers next to each other.  That’s where we first kissed.  I’ve never felt anything like Marcie’s lips on mine.  We had to hide our love at first.  But when Marcie came out I had to come out with her.

All was not well however and the couple did experience some resistance from the town because of their declaration of love.  Most notoriously Peppermint Patty’s father, who used to refer to her as his “rare gem” disowned her after the announcement and did not attend the ceremony at City Hall.

In place of her father the bride, in a sweet moment that brought tears to those in attendance, was given away by former love interest Charlie Brown.

“I always knew something was up with Peppermint Patty” said Mr. Brown.

She kicked my ass every time at baseball. Then when we went to the prom together she asked me what that bulge was in my pants and if I had an infection.  I told her it was my penis. She screamed and threw up.  Another time I was flirting with her and I asked her to polish my knob. So I get home from school and my father wants to talk to me. “What the hell is going on with you and that tom boy?” he asked.  It turns out that Peppermint Patty was in my bedroom polishing my door knob. She takes things very literally I guess.  My father grounded me for a week. But anyway, I’m glad she and Marcie have found each other.

As the applause died down Charlie Brown’s teacher got up to make a brief toast.

“Wah wah wah.  Wah wah wah wah wah.  Wah wah!‘ she told the newlyweds.

“I’ve never heard my teacher sound more articulate than that” declared Charlie Brown.

As for their future, Peppermint Patty and Marcie are planning on raising a family.

“Sir wants me to be inseminated” said  Marcie.  “We are going to use Linus’ sperm. He has the right qualities we want to pass on to our children.’

(1169)

I feel that Star Fleet disrespected my indigenous culture and traditions.

Mr. Spock, formerly first officer of the Starship Enterprise is suing Star Fleet for “emotional damage due to discrimination” over a controversial incident at his Pon Farr ritual on his home world of Vulcan.

While little is known of the specifics of the Pon Farr  (“It is not spoken of with outworlders” said Spock) it is known that he engaged in a duel to the death with his captain and best friend James T. Kirk (pictured here).

Spock and I are very close.

At the end of the duel Spock was the apparent victor and Kirk lay dead at his feet.

After beaming back up to the Enterprise a grief-stricken Spock was surprised to be greeted by a very much alive Kirk.  A elated but confused Spock then learned that Kirk’s death was staged and that the Enterprise’s chief medical officer, Leonard “Bones” McCoy had given Kirk a drug to simulate death.

The faking of Kirk’s death is at the core of Spock’s lawsuit.

Speaking through his attorney Spock let it be known that he felt personally offended.

The Pon Farr is sacred to Vulcans.  It’s how we choose our mates.  It’s similar to the Friday night hookup in bars that you humans practice on Earth.  My betrothed mate, T’Pring chose the challenge, which is her right.  During a challenge the combatants fight until one is dead.  I fought Kirk to the death.  It’s a ritual that comes down to us from the time of the beginning, without change.  This is the Vulcan heart.  This is the Vulcan soul.  This is our way. And this outlander, McCoy negates our tradition by giving my combatant a neuroparalyzer drug.    How would you humans like it if I messed with your tradition?  What if I started telling human children that Santa doesn’t exist and to believe in him is illogical?  What if I told humans that their so-called reality TV shows are all fixed?

So I get back to the nearest Star Base to file a complaint and I find out that not only is Star Fleet not taking my complaint seriously but that they are looking the other way.  “McCoy did right” an admiral told me.  “We can’t afford to lose a Star Fleet captain.  Stupid Pon Farr ritual be damned.”  Stupid Pon Farr ritual?  I would have punched him if it had been the logical thing to do.  We Vulcans are superior to you humans in every way.  Your lack of logic is appalling.  Take Lt. Uhura for instance.  I told her that there is no logic in wanting Kirk and not me.  She said “Logic has nothing to do with the beast with two backs.”

Star Fleet has responded to Commander Spock’s lawsuit with a terse statement:

We cannot comment on an ongoing lawsuit.  However we wish to point out that Star Fleet prides itself on its diversity, multiculturalism and tolerance.  We respect all indigenous cultures and traditions.  Well, except for the Irish of course.

If Spock wins his lawsuit he plans on retiring to Vulcan and opening a dry-cleaning store.

“It is logical.  Everyone needs their clothes dry cleaned at some point.  And with Vulcan’s highly logical business-friendly tax environment I am ensured of a steady income.”

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