Spock Sues Star Fleet!

I feel that Star Fleet disrespected  my indigenous culture and traditions.

I feel that Star Fleet disrespected my indigenous culture and traditions.

Mr. Spock, formerly first officer of the Starship Enterprise is suing Star Fleet for “emotional damage due to discrimination” over a controversial incident at his Pon Farr ritual on his home world of Vulcan.

While little is known of the specifics of the Pon Farr  (“It is not spoken of with outworlders” said Spock) it is known that he engaged in a duel to the death with his captain and best friend James T. Kirk (pictured here).

Spock and I are very close.

Spock and I are very close.

At the end of the duel Spock was the apparent victor and Kirk lay dead at his feet.

After beaming back up to the Enterprise a grief-stricken Spock was surprised to be greeted by a very much alive Kirk.  A elated but confused Spock then learned that Kirk’s death was staged and that the Enterprise’s chief medical officer, Leonard “Bones” McCoy had given Kirk a drug to simulate death.

The faking of Kirk’s death is at the core of Spock’s lawsuit.

Speaking through his attorney Spock let it be known that he felt personally offended.

The Pon Farr is sacred to Vulcans.  It’s how we choose our mates.  It’s similar to the Friday night hookup in bars that you humans practice on Earth.  My betrothed mate, T’Pring chose the challenge, which is her right.  During a challenge the combatants fight until one is dead.  I fought Kirk to the death.  It’s a ritual that comes down to us from the time of the beginning, without change.  This is the Vulcan heart.  This is the Vulcan soul.  This is our way. And this outlander, McCoy negates our tradition by giving my combatant a neuroparalyzer drug.    How would you humans like it if I messed with your tradition?  What if I started telling human children that Santa doesn’t exist and to believe in him is illogical?  What if I told humans that their so-called reality TV shows are all fixed?

So I get back to the nearest Star Base to file a complaint and I find out that not only is Star Fleet not taking my complaint seriously but that they are looking the other way.  “McCoy did right” an admiral told me.  “We can’t afford to lose a Star Fleet captain.  Stupid Pon Farr ritual be damned.”  Stupid Pon Farr ritual?  I would have punched him if it had been the logical thing to do.  We Vulcans are superior to you humans in every way.  Your lack of logic is appalling.  Take Lt. Uhura for instance.  I told her that there is no logic in wanting Kirk and not me.  She said “Logic has nothing to do with the beast with two backs.”

Star Fleet has responded to Commander Spock’s lawsuit with a terse statement:

We cannot comment on an ongoing lawsuit.  However we wish to point out that Star Fleet prides itself on its diversity, multiculturalism and tolerance.  We respect all indigenous cultures and traditions.  Well, except for the Irish of course.

If Spock wins his lawsuit he plans on retiring to Vulcan and opening a dry-cleaning store.

“It is logical.  Everyone needs their clothes dry cleaned at some point.  And with Vulcan’s highly logical business-friendly tax environment I am ensured of a steady income.”


6 Responses

  1. Captain Kirk should be demoted to inter-galactic traffic cop. We can’t have a Star Fleet Commander who cheats. We know how that type of thinking worked out on earth back in 2009.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      But…but….cheating is good. In 2009 cheating led to the election of a President who brought about the socialist workers paradise on Earth!

  2. Yes, very curious indeed is the statistically low proportion of Irish Star Fleet Academy graduates. I hear a Scottish secret society has something to do with it. Scotch and Bones.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      It’s a well-known fact that Star Fleet discriminates against the Irish.

      • innominatus says:

        And good on ’em for doing so. Remember that one time an Irishman was on the Enterprise? All he did was get drunk and sing about taking Kathleen home. Star Fleet will never make that mistake again.

        • Manhattan Infidel says:

          Star Fleet is now “dry” on all their ships, though I understand there is still a black market for Romulan Ale.

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