Today at Manhattan Infidel I am pleased to present to you the official daily horoscope. I’m not sure I totally believe in horoscopes but sometimes they can be accurate. (Like the time my horoscope told me that the burning wasn’t an eternal flame, to quote the Bangles, but gonorrhea.)
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)
You will experience a great surge of energy and enthusiasm. And why not? You’re back in the United States after an extended stay in Liberia as a doctor. Boy didn’t Liberia suck? All those feverish, dying Africans? But now it’s time to relax and enjoy the American lifestyle. Don’t worry about that pesky fever. White people don’t get Ebola. It’s science, bitches.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
Don’t let others talk you into doing something that will tie you down for weeks at a time! Quarantine? Pshaw! Not necessary. You have your own interests like bicycling with your boyfriend. If others get sick you can’t be blamed. You’re a good person remember. And Ebola is not contagious for white people. Look up the science, bitches.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)
A major change of direction is not needed, despite what some people may be telling you. There is no need for you to inconvenience your lifestyle with a quarantine. Sure you vomited on a flight from Liberia to the United States but it was probably just bad airplane food. Besides since when have quarantines ever been effective? Never! All quarantines do is unjustly stigmatize those in quarantined areas. If Republicans weren’t so anti-science they’d understand this.
Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
You have been pushing yourself too hard and need to slow down. That fever you’re running is pretty high. And your explosive diarrhea probably left you dehydrated. But don’t worry. It’s not Ebola. It’s probably just a common cold. And America thanks you for your dedicated service in Ebola-ravaged areas of Africa. When you feel better we’ll have a toast to your selflessness. If you can get out of your place try going to heavily populated areas like shopping malls and vomit in public. People have to learn not to be afraid.
Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
There are times when you take to much for granted. Stop and smell the roses and appreciate what a good person you are. Oh, and that Aquarius who just threw up on you? She’s a good person too and has dedicated her life to helping those in disease-ridden Africa. Now go clean the vomit off yourself. But not just now. Walk around a little bit and sneeze.
Aries (Mar 21 – April 20)
Don’t let negative thinking get the better of you. That vomit-encrusted Pisces who just sat down next to you in the food court? Totally not contagious. And if perhaps they should have a bout of explosive diarrhea then be compassionate and curse Republicans and their damn budget cuts to public health programs.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
What happens today may not of itself seem of great significance. So you return home from the mall smelling of vomit and diarrhea and have to tell your family how you helped some poor sick person at the mall. You’re a good, compassionate person. If you develop a fever during the night do the safe thing: Get dressed and walk around the neighborhood. If there is a diner or bar still open go inside. Try to sneeze as often as possible. Sneezing helps get rid of any viruses you might have picked up.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
You may think you have energy to spare today but in reality your physical batteries are running low. But don’t blame the Taurus who sneezed on you in that bar. Take some cold pills and go to work. Are you going to let that fever get the best of you? If you feel the urgency to vomit in your cubicle get up and vomit in someone else’s cubicle. No reason why your work space should get all messy.
Cancer (June 22 – July 23)
You won’t lack for confidence today. In fact you are so confident that when you get back from lunch and discover that a Gemini has vomited all over your cubicle you will march into your supervisor’s office and demand a raise. If you throw up on your supervisor he probably deserved it.
Leo (July 24 – Aug 23)
Changes are needed in your life. That’s why you took public transportation home after that Cancer threw up in your office. During your bus trip you start to feel sick and get off to buy toilet paper at a local deli. Before you leave look the owner in the eye and thank him for letting you use his bathroom. As you leave you will vomit all over his Lite beer display.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 23)
You are uneasy about the direction your life seems to be taking. You were meant for so much more than being a simple deli owner. And to top if off, a Leo has thrown up all over your Lite beer display. You should clean it up but you’re late for date with your girlfriend. The diarrhea in the bathroom and the vomit in the display case can wait until tomorrow.
Libra (Sept 24 – Oct 23)
You will find hidden reserves of energy. Haven’t you just cleaned your home and cooked a nice meal for your deli-owning Virgo boyfriend? If he appears flushed at dinner it might be the spices in your meal not any infectious disease he might have contracted. But just in case ask him if he can kindly stop throwing up on the cat.
And there you have it readers. You know, maybe this horoscope thing has some truth to it after all.