The foggy conditions in Hell are the reason I was late

The perennially late mayor of New York City, Warren Wilhelm, Jr., (better known by his stage name of Bill de Blasio) today angered Satan, one of his biggest backers, by showing up 45 minutes late for a scheduled meeting.

“I had a very rough night and woke up sluggish” said the mayor.

I should have gotten myself moving quicker.  I just woke up in the middle of the night, couldn’t get back to sleep and I felt really sluggish and off-kilter this morning.

De Blasio was supposed to meet with Satan at 10 am.  He boarded a police boat piloted by Charon, Hell’s official ferryman, for what was scheduled to be a 35 minute boat ride to Hell, despite weather reports the night before that there might be fog.

“The fog caught me off guard” said de Blasio.  “But given the atmospheric conditions in Hell I guess I should have expected it.”

Satan, however, was having none of it.

“He treated me like garbage” said Satan.

Do you know how many strings I had to pull to get that tall freak elected mayor?  I was his earliest supporter.  I gave time and money to his campaign.  All I ask in return is a little respect.  

The meeting was arranged so that the two could talk about de Blasio’s attempt to set up a socialist worker’s paradise in the Big Apple.

“Socialism has been an interest of mine for a couple thousand years” said the angry devil.

You could say I invented socialism.  It’s my proudest achievement.  Socialism and The View. Yeah, that TV show was all my idea. Anyway, back to socialism.  Nothing brings about despair quicker than socialism.  Nothing reduces mankind to poverty quicker than socialism.  You can see why I’m so hot on it. De Blasio is the biggest booster of socialism in office right now.  Well, we also got Elizabeth Warren but Cherokees scare me.  Everything that de Blasio intends to do is right out of my playbook. I want wealth redistribution.  It promotes envy and class warfare, which are two of my most effective weapons. I wanted to let the mayor know that he had my full support and if he ever wanted anything from me to let me know. Instead the jackhole shows up late.  My time is valuable too.

When the mayor finally arrived he shook Satan’s hand and made a few brief remarks before departing.

“I knew I should have supported Lhota” (de Blasio’s Republican opponent in the mayor’s race) said the Devil before returning to his office.

De Blasio later released a statement thanking Satan for meeting with him and reiterating that he continues to think of the Devil as a valued ally and looks forward to his continued support.

“All we’ve been through over the years, ever since the days we worked together for the Sandinistas in Nicaragua has only reinforced our shared commitment to socialism.”

And for those of you wondering, yes, our jackhole mayor makes it a point to be late:

Mayor de Blasio late for Memorial

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