The Apocalypse of St. Leonardo DiCaprio (Part VIII)

Climate change martyr Leonardo DiCaprio

Climate change martyr Leonardo DiCaprio

And when he had opened the seventh seal (okay, we bought dead seals from a zoo), there was silence in the heaven of Climate Change.


Seven Hollywood Starlets with Electric Guitars

2.  And I saw the seven starlets stand before the low-flush throne and there were given to them seven electric guitars. Good ones. 3.  And another starlet came and stood before the low-flush throne having birth control pills in her hand that she didn’t have to pay for seeing as birth control is covered under Obamacare. 4. And there went up before the low-flush throne much incense and guitar feedback.  It was like Jimmy Hendrix playing the Star Spangled Banner at Woodstock. 5.  And there were peals of thunder, rumblings and flashes of lightning and an Earthquake caused by climate change.

The First Six Electric Guitars

6.  And the first starlet sounded her electric guitar.  She couldn’t actually play it and looked like one of those girls from the Addicted to Love video. And there followed hail and fire mingled with blood (Though the hail and fire mingled with blood might actually have been Cajun food) and a third part of the Earth was burnt up and a third part of the trees were burnt up and all the green grass was burnt up because climate change caused drastic temperature increases. Climate change.  Hey!

7. And the second starlet sounded her electric guitar and a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea and a third part of the sea became blood, probably from coal from Appalachia 8. and there died a third part of those creatures that have life in the sea and not just the cute ones and a third part of the ships were destroyed but that was okay since ships cause climate change. Hey!

9.  And the third starlet sounded her electric guitar and there fell from climate change heaven  a great star, burning like a torch.  I asked around and it might have been the Virgin One Spaceship crashing in the Mojave Desert.  And many people died because of Republican budget cuts.

10.  And the fourth starlet sounded her electric guitar and a third was smitten because she was very very hot.  Kinda like Megan Fox.

11. And I beheld, and I heard the voice of an Eagle (I’m not sure if it was Don Henley or Glenn Frey) saying in a loud voice, “Welcome to the Hotel Climate Change you can check out but you can never leave. Hey!”

[To be continued]


2 Responses

  1. Curious minds want to know: will the fat guy ever flush that low-flush throne? The stench is horrible!

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