Chicks dig the ‘stache.

Note:  The following document was unearthed during research by me and is currently housed at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™  Those wishing to inspect the original document to verify its authenticity send me money.  Lots of it.

To His Excellency Franklin Delano Roosevelt, President of the United States of America

Dear Sir:

I am writing to you because as the heads of two nations currently locked in conflict I am hoping we can avoid further bloodshed and find a common ground. Let me briefly list a few things that we have in common.

• We are both progressives.  I am a socialist as I believe you are too.  We both believe in the redistribution of wealth and the role that government can play in the lives of our subjects.
• We both hate banks. If I may I’d like to quote from your inaugural address:  “Practices of the unscrupulous money changers stand indicted in the court of public opinion…..there must be strict supervision of all banking and credits and investments…..but in the event that the congress shall fail to take one of these two courses…..I shall not evade the clear course of duty that will then confront me.  I shall ask the congress for….broad executive power….”

Why sir when I read these words of yours tears came to my eyes. Strong executive action!  Humbling the evil Jew bankers!  I couldn’t have said it better myself. Why must our countries be at war?  You and I are united in our struggle against capitalism and its evils.

• I have interred the Jews.  You have interred the Japanese. In both cases the State acted to protect itself from a vicious and perfidious enemy.
  
• We both hate Stalin and recognize that communism is the second greatest threat to peace today, second only to unfettered capitalism.
• We both hate Wendell Wilkie and have seen Churchill naked.  (See I make with the funny.  Rest assured.  We Germans have ways of making you laugh.)

With all we have in common I must ask you again why are we fighting each other? Let us unite and show the world what the glory of a socialist German-American partnership can do.

In return for an alliance between us I promise to send you those nude photos of Marlene Dietrich that I have.

Yours sincerely,

Adolf Hitler

The archives at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ also contain FDR’s reply to Hitler:

Adolf Hitler, German Chancellor

Dear Adolf:

Let me say what a pleasure it was to receive your letter.  I never knew we had that much in common.

Just one thing.  You mentioned nude photos of Marlene Dietrich. If you do indeed have these in your possession I can assure you that I will do all in my power to finalize an official alliance between our two nations.  I want to see her naked.  (What can I say.  I am a Democrat.) Just be sure my wife doesn’t see them. She likes her as well.  Yes, I have a lesbian wife.  As I said, I am a Democrat.

Yours sincerely,

Franklin Delano Roosevelt, President, United States of America

Now I don’t know why this alliance never came about but I am sure I speak for most of my readers when I say that it is a shame it never did.  The world would have been a much better place.  And I want to see Marlene Dietrich naked.

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There is no place for this statue of a priest on a Catholic university!

The campaign to remove the statue of the priest had been in high gear for awhile now.

“This statue is offensive in so many ways” said the student director of the Committee for Racial, Gender and Sexual Sensitivity.

It represents patriarchy at its worst.  It shows a white male of northern European origin “priestsplaining” to indigenous peoples of color. My blood boils just looking at this statue.  The native Americans, a noble race, are in a subservient position. As weak and helpless victims of color they have no choice but to submit to the white priest or die.  Indeed the shirtless native American on his knees probably just performed fellatio on the priest at the priest’s insistence.  Sickening stuff.  And just look at the cross in the priest’s hand.  A cross!  On display!  In public!  I didn’t go to a Catholic university to have Catholicism shoved down my throat.  I came here to get a degree in Queer Activism.

Over at the campus office of Lesbians Opposed to Man Things, its directress applauded the removal of the statue.

I cry myself to sleep every night thinking of the war and misery non-females bring to this world.  It’s no coincidence that a penis is shaped like a missile.  They are both harbingers of death. If I could ban penises from this campus I would.  But some of my best transsexual friends are pre-op.

The first among equals “I despise patriarchy and titles”  at the campus organization for Trigger Warnings also announced its support for the statue removal.

I was in the campus cafeteria lecturing the food servers as to the fact that no trigger warnings were put on the menu stating that their food contains gluten when my colleague informed me of the removal of the offensive object. I was so happy I reached into my pocket and pulled out some gluten-free corn meal to nibble.  It gives me spiritual strength. This is a great day.  A great day! Oh my insides!  I can feel them pulling together in gluten-free harmony!

The Jesuit college administrator explained his reasons for removing the statue:

We in the Jesuit order are very cognizant of the fact that Christianity, and specifically Catholicism, is one long 2000 year hate crime. We apologize for this and promise to remove all crosses from our college as soon as possible.  After all, didn’t Vatican II outlaw doctrine?  I think it did.  I never read the documents of Vatican II myself but that sounds plausible.  I invite our student body to the ceremony Friday night were we rename the statue of Mary the “Statue of a Feminist Warrior Opposed to Patriarchy.”  Mary would have approved.

He also explained that starting next semester pants will be optional on campus.

“Zippers are so patriarchal and oppressive, don’t you think?”

**************************************************************************************************************************

There you have it readers.  A Catholic University removes a statue of a priest because it represents the triumph of Christianity.  We. Are. Doomed.  You might as well find a strong warlord to give you protection because a new dark age is upon us.  And if you think I’m making this up, well, here’s the story:

We Are Doomed!

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Peoples of color and their gay, lesbian and transsexual allies need to be segregated!

Dateline 2017

In a far-reaching and historic decision the Supreme Court today decided that safe space zones for ethnic and sexual minorities do not violate the Constitution.

“We find that the existence of segregated safe zones not only not unconstitutional we find them necessary” said justice Sona Sotomayor in the majority decision.

As a woman of color I find that I often feel threatened by my white colleagues on the bench. They think differently than me. I use my experience as a wise Latino woman when judging cases that come before this court.  My colleagues, my white colleagues, have a different standard and often use the founding fathers for an interpretation.  And is it any wonder that lesbians, gays, transgendered, blacks and Hispanics need a break from white faces?  I will not discuss the curious case of Asians at the moment who, being successful and assimilated have betrayed their heritage of color.

Justice Elena Kagan offered similar sentiments.

Often as a women I have to hear threatening speech from my male colleagues.  It’s like they feel that living in America gives them the right to free speech. What about my feelings?  Just the other day I was on the buffet line and I overheard a guy on the line talking about a woman he thought was attractive.  Hello? What about a trigger warning?

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg talked about the historical circumstances of the old segregation and how the new safe zones will be different.

Under the old system of Jim Crow, segregation was imposed from without on peoples of color by those living a powerful, privileged white lifestyle.  Under the new system of safe spaces the segregation will be imposed from within by the peoples of color and their gay, lesbian and transgendered allies.  By imposing this separation from within they are empowering themselves. These safe zones will be separate, yes. But also inherently equal. My only hope is that safe spaces expand to include old Jewish women, midgets and Scottish terriers.

Reaction to the decision has been mostly positive on the nation’s college campuses.

“I want to feel safe and warm and secure” said one woman majoring in lesbian studies.  “And I know I never feel that way around breeders.”

“I don’t want to be around white people” said one black student. “They smell funny.  They smell like soap.”

The only negative reactions have come from campus administrators worried about the expense of setting up segregated safe zones.

“Printing up signs that say ‘Peoples of color only’ alone will be a major expense” said one.

But don’t even get me started on the cost of building separate waiting rooms, separate classrooms and separate dorms.  My god what about the separate drinking fountains.  We’ll have to ensure a separate water supply for peoples of color and their gay, lesbian and transgendered allies.  I know many won’t feel safe until they can be assured that whites will not tamper with their water.

From the White House, President Elizabeth Warren hailed the decision as a giant leap forward for her race.

“As a Navajo, I mean Cherokee, I yearn to be segregated.”

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