There is no place for this statue of a priest on a Catholic university!

The campaign to remove the statue of the priest had been in high gear for awhile now.

“This statue is offensive in so many ways” said the student director of the Committee for Racial, Gender and Sexual Sensitivity.

It represents patriarchy at its worst.  It shows a white male of northern European origin “priestsplaining” to indigenous peoples of color. My blood boils just looking at this statue.  The native Americans, a noble race, are in a subservient position. As weak and helpless victims of color they have no choice but to submit to the white priest or die.  Indeed the shirtless native American on his knees probably just performed fellatio on the priest at the priest’s insistence.  Sickening stuff.  And just look at the cross in the priest’s hand.  A cross!  On display!  In public!  I didn’t go to a Catholic university to have Catholicism shoved down my throat.  I came here to get a degree in Queer Activism.

Over at the campus office of Lesbians Opposed to Man Things, its directress applauded the removal of the statue.

I cry myself to sleep every night thinking of the war and misery non-females bring to this world.  It’s no coincidence that a penis is shaped like a missile.  They are both harbingers of death. If I could ban penises from this campus I would.  But some of my best transsexual friends are pre-op.

The first among equals “I despise patriarchy and titles”  at the campus organization for Trigger Warnings also announced its support for the statue removal.

I was in the campus cafeteria lecturing the food servers as to the fact that no trigger warnings were put on the menu stating that their food contains gluten when my colleague informed me of the removal of the offensive object. I was so happy I reached into my pocket and pulled out some gluten-free corn meal to nibble.  It gives me spiritual strength. This is a great day.  A great day! Oh my insides!  I can feel them pulling together in gluten-free harmony!

The Jesuit college administrator explained his reasons for removing the statue:

We in the Jesuit order are very cognizant of the fact that Christianity, and specifically Catholicism, is one long 2000 year hate crime. We apologize for this and promise to remove all crosses from our college as soon as possible.  After all, didn’t Vatican II outlaw doctrine?  I think it did.  I never read the documents of Vatican II myself but that sounds plausible.  I invite our student body to the ceremony Friday night were we rename the statue of Mary the “Statue of a Feminist Warrior Opposed to Patriarchy.”  Mary would have approved.

He also explained that starting next semester pants will be optional on campus.

“Zippers are so patriarchal and oppressive, don’t you think?”

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There you have it readers.  A Catholic University removes a statue of a priest because it represents the triumph of Christianity.  We. Are. Doomed.  You might as well find a strong warlord to give you protection because a new dark age is upon us.  And if you think I’m making this up, well, here’s the story:

We Are Doomed!

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