Give me money and non-Dominican prostitutes!

To celebrate the six-year anniversary of the journalistic juggernaut that is Manhattan Infidel I decided to throw a party at a swank hotel in midtown Manhattan.  I invited guests to attend and even had Ted Nugent sing some of his songs for the guests. A portion of the proceeds would go to my favorite charity: Funding Manhattan Infidel.  A great time was had by all.

But how would I get the most guests to show up?  After all, the more guests show up the more money we can raise to fund Manhattan Infidel.

Then it hit me.  Why not invite former President Bill Clinton. He’s still popular and gives entertaining speeches.  So I sent a formal letter inviting him.  I waited and finally I got a reply which I now print in full.

To Manhattan Infidel:

Thank you for your kind invitation to attend your charity event.  Even though I have never heard of Manhattan Infidel I am sure we share much common ground chasing after young girls.

Mrs. Clinton sends her best wishes and wishes she could attend but as your next President Queen she has responsibilities elsewhere avoiding the press.

As a humanitarian who has devoted is post presidency to charitable work making millions, sleeping with young girls and ensuring that Hillary becomes President I am more than happy to lend my name to your cause.

Here is a list of my demands.  Please send compliance with my requests to the Clinton foundation no later than a week before your event.

1. In my personal dressing room must be a bowl full of chocolate M&Ms. However, please no orange M&Ms.  If I see one orange M&M I will leave immediately.  You will still have to pay me however.
2. A K9 sweep of the area two hours before my scheduled speech.
3. A private dressing room for my sole use which should be suitably decorated, have a private restroom and shower and be properly heated or air conditioned.
4. Towels:  I will require twenty (20) towels and twelve (12) bars of soap for myself and my lady friends. The towels must be white, bath size and prewashed. Please, no unwashed towels.
5. Dinner:  Table cloths and and napkins should be linen, utensils must be metal (the presence of plastic utensils voids my appearance at your event) and plates and cups stoneware.  Food should be served and presented in the most appetizing manner possible.
6. Six (6) bottles San Pellegrino or Perrier.  Clean ice suitable for drinking should be provided.  The presence of dirty ice voids my attendance at your event.
7.  One (1) extremely long scarf so I can pretend I am the fourth Doctor Who.
8. Five (5) picked eggs, a small blue vibrator and a jelly dolphin balanced on the shaft.
9. One (1) complete set of encyclopedias.  When I say complete I mean complete but with the letters G and H missing.
10. One (1) screwdriver that has accidentally been dropped in a toilet. 
11. Nine (9) whores, ladies of the evening, prostitutes or whatever you want to call them. Respectable high class ones too and not from the Dominican Republic like my fellow Democrat Bob Menendez likes.
12. No Daleks or Cybermen shall be allowed on the premises.  The presence of Daleks and/or Cyberman will void my attendance at your event. Sorry to be a stickler on this but I had a bad experience with them once in England.
13. One (1) Dick Vitale impersonator impersonating Dick Vitale as Hamlet. “To be or not to be baby, oh yeah that is the question.”  This would be amusing.  If you can arrange this I will be content with eight (8) prostitutes.
14. And finally, $500,000 dollars in cold cash (unmarked bills in tens and 20s) hand delivered to me before my speech.  The failure to deliver this cash to me will void my appearance at your event.  Not, however, my previous 13 demands, especially the ones involving prostitutes.

Well that was quite a list of demands.  But I had to comply.  Having Clinton at my anniversary party would really enhance my blog’s prestige.  Just don’t tell him that three (3) of the prostitutes I hired were Dominican.

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