Landmines, naked women and the Safety Dance. All these would make the cup more interesting

Every four years Americans are subjected to that horrible event, the abomination of desolation known as the FIFA World Cup.  Every four years good Americans are kicked out of their favorite bars while Eurotrash moves in, takes their places at the bar and flashes bad teeth while getting drunk and vomiting all over the bathroom wall.

And for all this we have to listen to Eurotrash and their allies in the elite media lecture us on how soccer (and yes it’s soccer not football) is the greatest game ever.

Well it’s not the greatest game ever.  Soccer is about as exciting as watching an octogenarian woman take her false teeth out and blow a 300 pound octogenarian man.

And the only thing worse the the FIFA World Cup is the Woman’s FIFA World Cup, which we are currently suffering through.

And so, with the best interests of my readers in mind I now present a few ways to make the Woman’s abomination of desolation more interesting.

• An all nude World Cup

Let’s face it.  I’d watch the FIFA World Cup if all the athletes had to perform naked. (Except for their sneakers and knee-high athletic socks).  And I’m pretty sure most men would agree with me. So let’s have the athletes naked.  This isn’t sexist.  I’m just trying to improve ratings.

• Have Caitlyn Jenner throw out the first ball

What better way to increase rating and interest in the World Cup than to have the woman of the hour, Caitlyn Jenner, throw out the first ball.  Preferably one of hers. Or both of them.  I understand she is reluctant to part with her testicles and penis but come on!  It’s for the greater glory of soccer.

• Landmines

Have hidden landmines planted throughout the playing field.  I believe this will add some much-needed excitement to the game.  And yes, the athletes will be red-carded whenever they step on a landmine.  It’s only fair. Flopping down on the ground and faking an injury is ruining the sport.  These women have to be taught a lesson. You may have blown both your legs off but the game must go on.

• Men Without Hats

Yes, 1980s new wave Canadian Band Men Without Hats, best known for their single “The Safety Dance.”  My suggestion is a simple one.  At random points during the game (match as the Eurotrash prefer to call it) The Safety Dance will blast from the Stadium’s loudspeakers.  When this happens everyone will be obliged to stop playing and reenact the classic video (seen here).

The Safety Dance – Making the World Cup more exciting!

See?  Now wouldn’t the sight of 30,000 people dancing and singing along to that add some excitement to this god-forsaken boring game? You know it would.

• Waterboarding

I don’t know exactly how this would make the game more exciting.  I just want to see the players waterboarded for the crime of playing soccer.  Hey, I don’t like it either but this is war!  Measures must be taken to ensure that soccer does not gain a foothold in America.  We can’t  pussyfoot around here people!

And there you have it.  Feel free to add your own suggestions.

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