Now pay attention 007!

Major Boothroyd, head of the Q Branch of MI6 was fired today, ending his 50-year career supplying state of the art top secret gadgets to the Service’s agents.

“This is the most painful thing I’ve ever had to do” declared M, head of MI6.

It’s just sad.  He is a patriot and a good man. What was once thought of as just a joke or one of Q’s “joke gadgets” are now considered in poor taste.  Poor taste? Kids nowadays have no sense of humor.  They are much too sensitive. But times change and I had to let him go for the good of the Service.  Oh hell.  I’m an old man too. Maybe I should just follow him out the door and let the young shits take over.  Let’s see how long before they run the country into the ground.

The joke gadgets mentioned by M were part of Q’s holiday party specialty where he would devise gadgets for the amusement of the male agents.

I remember one time he invented a typewriter whose keys were coated with a special substance that activated the pleasure centers in a woman’s brain. Basically it made them orgasm.  You know, like the Twilight movies do today.  We used to listen as my secretary, Miss Moneypenny, would start screaming, “James, yes, oh yes” outside my office.  We all thought it was hysterical.  No harm.  No foul.  Just boys being boys. Another time he produced a machine that when activated would produce in women an overwhelming urge to perform fellatio on the next person they saw.  Shockingly inappropriate I must say.  But also shocking hysterical.  I mean come on.  Fellatio with strangers. Now that’s just good clean fun.

But with the influx of younger women from a new generation Q’s jokes grew out of favor and were seen as, at best, in poor taste and at worst, sexual harassment.  M continues:

The first time I heard the term sexual harassment a young agent accused 007 of it.  My first thought was “What? Is he harassing you to have sex with him? Well can’t say I blame him.  I want to bang you as well.”  Actually I should retract that last statement.  I just took my diversity and sensitivity training course and I fee guilty for my thoughts.

From complaints about sexual harassment the MI6 soon had to deal with an epidemic of requests from female employees asking that trigger warnings and safe places be instituted.

A trigger warning? What the hell’s that?  The only trigger warning you’ll get is your head being blown off after I shoot you. Safe space?  Come into my bedroom. I’ll make you feel safe honey.

Q might have been able to withstand the changing times but for the fact that his biggest ally in the Service, the politically connected 007, was forced to take a leave of absence after being accused of sexual harassment by the entire Navajo nation.

Yeah, shame about that.  But 007 did have red fever. Hell what man can resist an native American woman.  The dark skin, the long dark hair, those dresses made out of deer skin that are so easy for a man to remove.  I mean you just pull it over their heads and get on with the raping.  Um, I probably should retract that last statement. Sensitivity training you know.

As for the now disgraced and unemployed Q he plans to release his autobiography, “Sucking it:  My Life as a Sexual Gadget Master.”

Advance orders are already in the millions.

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