We must ban all assault curbs!

Secretary of State John Kerry, an avid bicyclist, broke his leg in France after the bike he was riding was attacked by an assault curb.

“The bike that Secretary Kerry was peacefully riding was attacked by a curb” said a State department spokesperson.

The Secretary broke his right femur. The Secretary is stable and never lost consciousness.  Though frankly that’s hard to tell sometimes.  We think he never lost consciousness. And what we think is all that matters.

Moments after the incident occurred and the brave Secretary fell, the Secret Service sprang into action and peppered the curbside with bullets.

“The offending curb was tackled by our brave agents once the gunfire had subsided” declared the Secret Service Director Joe Clancy.

The curb was sectioned off and our agents began to interrogate it. Specifically we wanted to know if it had any contact with so-called Tea Party organizations in the United States. One can’t be too careful when dealing with anti-government extremists, even if they are curbstones. The suspect refused to talk.  You could say he was quiet as a rock.  Having gotten no information from him and as it was after 5 pm local time our agents then proceeded to make plans to pick up hookers for the evening.

Taken to a local hospital Kerry’s leg was set and he is resting comfortably.

“His only request was that James Taylor be flown to France to sing to him” said a nurse.

Taylor was then flown to France to comply with the Secretary’s demand.

Brought into the Secretary’s hospital room Taylor pulled out his guitar and began serenading those in attendance with numbers from his new CD.

“I don’t understand” said one doctor who was lucky enough to witness the impromptu concert. “Is this an American form of torture?”

It wasn’t until Taylor started singing “You’ve got a friend” that the French started politely clapping.

“Oh it is James Taylor.  I thought it was Ron Howard’s brother.”

The curb meanwhile was transferred under heavy guard to a CIA prison in Norway to be interrogated.

“There will be no stone left unturned until we discover who he is working for” said CIA director John O. Brennan.

It is doubtful that this curbstone would have chosen to attack the Secretary of State of the most powerful, I mean the second most powerful, I mean the third most powerful country in the world by itself.  He had to have had outside backing. Was he financed by right wing terrorists from Duck Dynasty?  This is why we are waterboarding him as we speak.  There will be zero tolerance for right-wing terrorism.

While the CIA interrogates the curb the FBI will be investigating probable links between the the suspect and global warming.

“Could the curb have become unstable because of global warming?  Is that why it jumped out and attacked the Secretary?  We need to investigate this.  And money must be spent!” said FBI director James Comey.

The curb meanwhile denies trying to injure Kerry and refuses to talk to anyone.

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