Whoever this guy is he’s running for President

And so today I present part two of my series “2017 Inaugural Addresses” in which imagine what each candidate for president might say at their swearing in.  Today it is George Pataki’s turn.  George Pataki. Yes.  Pataki.  Who?  He used to be governor of New York State. Yes.  Three terms.  No  he’s a real person and yes he’s seeking the Republican nomination. That’s right. Three terms I said.  Look I don’t care if you believe me google him or go to Wikipedia.

The scene: The west Portico of the Capitol building.  The president-elect George Pataki was due to be sworn in at noon but this had to be delayed when he forgot to bring I.D. with him and security would not let him onto the stage.

Secret Service Agent: Who the hell are you?

George Pataki: Why I’m George Pataki, the president-elect and I’m here to take the oath of office.

Second Secret Service Agent: Who?

George Pataki: George Pataki.  I was governor of New York for three terms.  I was elected President in November and I’m here to take the oath of office.

First Secret Service Agent: We’re going to have to see some I.D.  A driver’s license or a library card.  Come on. Give us something.

George Pataki: I think I have something here. Just let me pull it out of my wallet.

Second Secret Service Agent: He’s reaching for something.  He might be armed. Take him down!  Take  him down!

At this point Pataki was beaten by both agents until rendered unconscious. (For security purposes naturally.) Agents then went through his wallet and found 28 dollars, a coupon to Arby’s and a New York State driver’s license with the name of George Pataki.  After verifying that he was indeed Pataki agents used smelling salts to wake president-elect up. He was the escorted to the podium to take the oath of office delivered by Chief Justice John Roberts.

As Pataki raised his hand there were whispers of “Who the hell is that” from the crowd.

Chief Justice John Roberts: Do you George Pataki solemnly swear or affirm that you will faithfully execute the office of President of the – I’m sorry.  But who are you?

George Pataki: I told those officers before.  I’m George Pataki.  I’m here to take the oath of office.  I was elected president.

Chief Justice John Roberts: No really.   Who are you and how did you get on this platform?

George Pataki:  For the last time.  I’m George Pataki.  I was a three-term governor of New York.

Chief Justice John Roberts: Three terms?

George Pataki: Yes.  I was governor on 9/11.

Chief Justice John Roberts: Of New York?

George Pataki: Yes!

Chief Justice John Roberts: I’m sorry.  I’m just not buying it.  Look sir I don’t know who the hell you are but I’m going to have to ask you to leave before I call security.

George Pataki: But I already gave my I.D. to security.  But if you want I’ll show you too.  Just let me reach into my pocket –

Chief Justice John Roberts: Oh my god he’s going for a gun.  Everybody down!

[Screams are heard as several Secret Service agents surround Pataki and proceed to beat him.]

George Pataki: Not again. Ouch.  Watch my area.  Don’t hit me in my area!

[An agent punches Pataki in his area.]

George Pataki: Oh god my area!

[Pataki loses consciousness.]

After this second breach of security the inauguration was postponed until the Secret Service could identify this person claiming to be the president-elect.

You know it’s a shame Pataki never got a chance to give his speech.  I bet it would have been a good one.  Or not.

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