My Exclusive Interview with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell

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Just don’t kill anyone, okay?

Since the suicide of Aaron Hernandez attention has once again focused on the NFL and their players. Many are asking the question, “Are NFL players naturally violent?” 

With this in mind I sat down with the Commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Goodell.

RG: What? What? Did you kill somebody? Is that a gun?

MI: No. I’m not an NFL player.

RG: I apologize. I’m just so jumpy nowadays. 

MI:  That’s understandable.

RG: I mean what ever happened to the good old days when the worst thing our players were doing was exposing themselves to schoolchildren? Pete Rozelle doesn’t know how good he had it.

MI: You’re referring to Lance Rentzel?

RG: Yes. He was married to Joey Heatherton. God she was a hottie. When you’re married to that why expose yourself to a ten-year old?

MI: I have no idea. But lets talk about the epidemic of violence among NFL players. Does the Commissioner’s office have a plan to combat this?

RG: Yes we have that I have recently put into motion.

MI:  And that plan is?

RG: I have mailed out a questionnaire to all players with two questions:  1. Have you ever knocked your wife unconscious in an elevator; and 2. If I handed you a gun would you use it to kill anybody?

MI: I see. What was the response?

RG: Very encouraging. To the first question 32 percent said they would not knock their wife unconscious in an elevator. That’s almost a third!  A third! Twenty-nine percent said they might if they were coked up and 39 percent said that their wife is a stripper so she gets what she deserves and I can respect that.

MI: And the second question?

RG: Also very encouraging. Thirty-nine percent said that if handed them a gun they would not kill anybody. Well, probably not. Unless the person was a stripper. Or were withholding profits from their meth dealings. Or if they happened to be in an elevator and had just knocked their wife unconscious in which case they might have to kill her just to cover their tracks. And I can respect that. The other 61 percent could not answer the question as it might violate their parole. That also I can respect.

MI: What can those who are NFL fans gather from this information?

RG:  The majority of those who play in the NFL are non-violent. Unless they are married to a stripper. Or have a gun. Or have a gun in an elevator. Or have to confront their business partner about a meth deal gone bad. In other words NFL players are just like other Americans. Just stay away from them in an elevator. And don’t screw them out of their drug money.

MI:Okay well that’s about – 

[Gunfire is heard]

RG: What the f*ck? I was told this building didn’t have an elevator?  How did anyone from the NFL get in here? It’s not that Colin Kaepernick fellow is it?  

MI: I think we should hide under the desk until the active shooting situation is over.

RG: F*ck me. This is totally going to screw next year’s questionnaire.

So you see, NFL players are just like you and me. Non-violent and respectful of their stripper wives.

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