In the 24 hours since the shocking and unprecedented news first broke that the evil, traitorous Trump fired the great American patriot James Comey the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have been working the phones nonstop to get the facts.
And so for my readers I now present the timeline of the Official Narrative on the James Comey Martyrdom™ (Official Timeline of the Narrative on the James Comey Martyrdom™ not available where prohibited by law.)
Tuesday May 9th 5 pm
Word first arrives at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ that FBI director James Comey had been fired by President Trump. I immediately contacted my local Democratic congressman for his reaction:
MI: Hello is this my local Democratic congressman?
LDC: Si, senor. ¿Cómo puedo ayudarle?
MI: I don’t speak Spanish. Do you speak English?
LDC: No hablo ingles racista hijo de puta
Tuesday May 9th 7:30 pm
Stymied in my efforts to get information from my local congresista demócrata I then called CBS late night host Stephen Colbert to ask him his thoughts on the firing. And as a late night talk show host this means he is a trustworthy source of news.
MI: Hello is this trusted news source and late night talk show host Stephen Colbert?
SC: Yes this is trusted news source and late night talk show host Stephen Colbert. How may I help you?
MI: I’d like to ask you about James Comey.
SC: James Comey? That evil villain. He is the reason Hillary lost the election. Someone should fire him!
MI: Well that’s why I’m calling. He was just fired by Trump.
SC:What? That villain Trump! Comey is an American patriot!
MI: But didn’t you just say he was a villain?
SC:What are you? A cock holster?
Wednesday May 10th, 6 am
Stymied in my efforts to get an answer from trusted news source and late night talk show host Stephen Colbert I contacted my senator, Chuck Schumer.
MI: Hello is this Democratic senator Charles Schumer?
CS: Yes it is. How may I help you?
MI: Do you have any comment on the firing of James Comey?
CS: Trump is Hitler.
CS: Trump is Hitler. He has killed millions. He will kill millions more. We must stop this madman by any means necessary. Legal or extra legal. He killed JFK. He killed RFK. He planned the 9/11 attacks to drive up the price of his Manhattan properties.
MI: Are you insane?
CS: Yes but Trump is Hitler.
Wednesday May 10th 3:20 pm.
Stymied in my efforts to get an answer from my senator I then contacted House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca).
MI: Hello is this House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi?
NP: I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix.
MI: Um, okay.
NP: …and when there was no meat, we ate fowl and when there was no fowl, we ate crawdad and when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand.
MI: Maybe I should call back later?
NP: Edwina’s insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.
MI: I’ll call back later.
We may never find out the reason Comey was fired but we can all agree on one thing: Trump is Pol Pot. I mean Hitler.